I TRIED FIGURING IT MYSELF...BUT i HAD TO ASK FOR HELP

[lostnspain]

last night I felt lost.. by myself. Today, I called to get a day and time for a meeting 2 hours away from the villiage I live in(they speak english). The person told me to get in a meeting tomorrow,,it doesn´t matter whether I understand the language..just go. SO..I will see what the hours are. As I commit further and further into this I see that I am a mess. I don´t eat, my house is a disaster ( I don´t have the will or desire to clean it). I see I need to take care of myself..I havnt done that in a long time..oh sure If anyone met me they would never guess...but I know how difficult it is to make it through the day. I have hope that my life can be different.

[51anna]

Hi Lostnspain,

I do understand what you mean. On the outside, my life looked very put-together and under control. But, I was falling apart. And, I truly believe that alcoholism is the symptom. So, stopping drinking is essential. But, then you need to work on the underlying causes. I couldn't have continued to poison myself and spiral downward, had I liked myself at all. I had to learn how to do that.

I am glad you are taking steps to recover and I know that you can do it.

[BUTTERFLY-7]

I could Identified with you there are sometimes I don't want to even get up and face life, BUT I guess GOD can take care of people far better off then you and I can, don't loose hope listen even if you can believe, its alright you are a miracle already waiting to happen, I'm proud of you for making that first meeting, it takes courage give your self a pat "when all our dreams are dead we are left with our self" .

[lostnspain]

Poof another day...i have 4 more weeks here in spain..then hopefully when I get back to Nevada I will be able to get into an impatient or is that In patient program. IM reading about co dependence ...(I thought it was my IUD that was making me feel so crazy)...but it´s only the alcohol. ,,and maybe THE man that I hate..I keep finding myself in his presence. thinking****I hate being here with him, HE belittles me, doesnt answer my questions as if I wasn´t talking. When I don´t remember things he acts like Im doing it to make him mad...I am going home after work tonight..to my house. Try to pysch myself out to think Im going to be better.

[Paulie]

...(I thought it was my IUD that was making me feel so crazy).

That could be a part of it, it could be all of the things that you said above. That was a part of it for me, I had mine removed and it did make a difference.

I agree go to a meeting, english or not. Introduce yourself, you dont know who in that meeting will speak english and be able to talk with you.

[CarolD]

I'm so glad you will only be there for another month.
Toxic people and places make me toxic too.

How about a cleaning woman to get your
house in good shape? Perhaps a hair cut?
I find little things often cheer me up.

Blessings

[lostnspain]

Yes, I could get a cleaning person if my house wasnt such a mess...hmmmm. I feel like such a little girl,,I hate this, I did cut my hair for the second time this month. from 4 inches below my shoulders..to shoulder length then short. I like it. This weekend I will stay in the moment and slowly try to organize my house. I have to be in the moment. Thank You Carol.

[indigo]

You seem to be doing well and taking things slowly. I'm glad you like your nex hairstyle.
Yes as Carol said do small things that make you feel better.

[lostnspain]

I´m Ok right now...Ím ok. I have those mood swings..usually not at work. When I´m quiet..when no one else is around.
I will make my bed for myself tomorrow morning...I want to take showers everyday and keep my house clean..but sometimes my brain stops and I can´t do any of these things..especially when I get home from work at night which is usally 9:30..I just want to go to bed..The hours are long here..go to work at 9 til 9. You have lunch but you don´t really relax.

I have been reading in the alcoholics thread/first step/peoples postings. I want to be better. I have a lot of good things in me, but I´m not able to have relationships with anyone right now..I make plans with people but when it´s time to go..I always...always tell them a reason why i can´t. I don´t want to be around anyone,,, Im´very heavy. I´m not happy. I would be considered a dark person.

I use to ocean Kayak out of San Diego and Santa Barbara also in the rivers in upper Sacramento River, Truckee...Sky Jump..Mountain Biking, I worked out almost every day until 2 years ago..Ugh. I have nothing to say to anyone,,except asking questions about themself.

I don´t want my life to return to the same place..because I´m not the same person but..I would like to enjoy life more. I know that will happen if I take care of myself again.

[Paulie]

I would be considered a dark person.

That is your disease talking. Just pick one thing today, just one. Either make your bed, or take a shower, or clean the kitchen....just one. Dont think about tomorrow, just do one right thing.

[indigo]

Ditto, Paulie is very wise you know.

[lostnspain]

ok...I guess just doing one thing is enough for today. I just got back from the doctor..I got out earlier then what i thought..I just want to go to sleep..I will eat first and listen to a first step meeting whild im in bed. Really one thing is more then enough..but why do i want to do it all and then feel overwhelmed..how crazy is that.

[Paulie]

but why do i want to do it all and then feel overwhelmed..how crazy is that.

It is not crazy. IMO there is a part of our brain that is broken.....that is where our disesase lives. Just take it slow, one thing, one day at a time. Somedays you will do one thing, and then maybe one more thing, dont over think it.

[lostnspain]

That is very good...DON´T OVER THINK IT. I have been up most of the night. When I go to bed very tired I have the most difficult time sleeping. BUT.. today is a good day, light load of classes, and I´m trying to control my thoughts instead of letting my thoughts control me. I still havn´t been able to talk to anyone here in Albacete about AA meetings. I will try again today.
I´m trying not to think about the things I´m not getting done, just focusing on the Have to´s

[Paulie]

Keep your focus small.

And remember, go to an AA meeting, you dont know, someone in the room just might speak english!!!!

[lostnspain]

well it rained today..and it is still raining and there was no cabs when i got off from work. I feel like im chasing this..jeeze..

tonight i called a detox center in america..and they said they would have a bed for me when i got back to america. but it is just for detoxing..afterwards i will need to go to aa meetings..90 in 90 days,,i think thats was Taz said.

[51anna]

Lostnspain,

If you're coming back to the U.S. (or Canada) and you think you need further treatment after the detox, the Salvation Army offers long-term treatment for addicts and it's free. That's what they do.

[CarolD]

Good to know you are making positive plans.

About AA.....there is no set ammount of meetings required
That idea came from treatment centers...not AA.

3 months is considered the time needed to
change behaviors by some behavioral researchers.

When I started AA....
I considered the meetings as classrooms for sober living.
The more I attended....the quicker I learned.

[lostnspain]

I can see how that happens Carol...
I feel more at peace..at this moment..I called my friends that are going to`pick me up at the airport,,They said they have a place for me..It´s so nice to hear peoples voices that are nice..When I called the detox..the lady was so nice. Here the people are so different..
Today Im trying to get my clothes together and sort through things..what im taking with me. If I need to send things over in boxes..this is the hardest. GETTING MY THOUGHTS TOGETHER SORTING...yuck..ORGANIZING...

[Conez]

Hi, ur doing well... its good following ur posts, ur an amazing woman...
hopeful with faith and strength beyond the level u feel u posess. its great to hear ur moving in a positive direction... toward a safe, supportive and comforting english speaking environment and away from the darkness n isolation that can overwhelm u in ur current situation.
best of luck with packin and organizing... it'll lead to brighter days. my thoughts are with u, best of wishes in the coming weeks

[lostnspain]

Today I packed my things..organized..I have a couple of hours more and I´m finished..and I wasn´t stressed..
I need to find more boxes so I can send my winter clothes..to America.
I will mail those off this coming week.
I talk to my daughter tonight..she is very excited to get me back..although she lives in a different state. It will be nice to talk when ever we want.

My body feels like it is going through contortions..twisting inside..my stomech, intestines. I would work for 5 min then stop..work then stop..sometimes I think my brain would disappear .. and I would stop..My brain hurts now..and I´m sleepy it is 11 at night right now.

[51anna]

Hi,

You are doing great!

Getting things organized and making a long-distance move is very tiring and can be so stressful. I am glad you're optimistic and I hope things continue go smoothly for you.

[lostnspain]

Thanks Anna..
I´m dressed, I looked out the window and there were taxi´s waiting in the taxi zone. I hope someone is at the address i found on the internet.
My x called last night to have lunch today in my favorite villiage..I told him yes, regretting i said that. Then I went over in my mind the things he has done..and I decided I dont want to go to dinner and him tell me how bad i am and then i cry and he gets mad and we leave ...as im crying all the way home..It has happened enough times..
this morning i text him and told him that I have pain and Im not able to make it. Yes, I do have pain, Anna....Pain in my heart!
Thanks everyone for your input..
I will write back and tell you how a AA meeting in Spain is when you don´t understand Spanish...