insecurity or jealousy?

[LettingGo]

Hi ladies! Well I about freaked when I could not sign on for days! What a reminder that was to me that these boards are such a lifeline to my recovery! Glad to be back. I really missed everyone.

My latest self imposed traumatic chaos is this... I am married to a great guy who is able to drink successfully. I do not think he is an A.... in any case, we used to go to this bar where there is Karaoke all of the time. Well this last week or so he has gone a couple of times without me. OK now this did not used to bug me, but in a sober state of mind, I am truly bothered! I feel like he is not inviting me to go on purpose! I also know that part of him is afraid I will drink again, but I can drink anytime I tell him. It is a matter of choice and he cannot protect me in that way. In fact, that gets me so shook up that it is worse I think than if I was there. I am finding that it is not being in situations like a bar scene that are difficult for me. The worst times are when I am emotionally shook. Does that make sense? In any case, I do not want to be a hypersensitive freak, but I do not know how to feel good about him going without me. I dont know if I am jealous (he has ex girlfriends that go there), insecure, or right??? Curious to see what my good friends here have to say!

[Paulie]

For me in early sobriety for a while I felt like I was missing something, that feeling still even comes back now and then with girlfriends that Ihave. If we all go out and they are drinking margaritas with dinner or something as they get happy and laughing I feel like I amkinda missing something, then as they get drunk, I remember that I am not MISSING anything.

I think what you are feeling is normal. Ask yourself if you were still drinking but just did not feel like going if it would bother you.

And for me, this is just my experience, places like bars are dangerous for me I don't go there. And I do agree with you completely that emotions have a big part in our using.

For me, again, my experience, if my program is strong, this feelings of insecurity and jelousy, which I still get in some situaitons, pass alot faster.

[myles1]

Is he going and you are busy at the time and he's just taking it for granted that you'll meet him there?

Maybe ask him why he is going by himself?

If it's to protect you from drinking well you can drink anytime you are right. How long have you been sober? Is this something new or has it been awhile. If it's new maybe he's trying to adjust to it?

Ngaire

[LettingGo]

Well he goes (the couple of times he has) after his softball games, and I often times have the kids and just cannot go at the drop of a hat. So, I can kind of see why it is not as easy for me to go.... Yes I am newly sober so it is new for both of us I am sure. I know that most of this is fear based, it is just a little difficult to swallow for me right now.

[2stop]

LG,
I'm a lot like you sweetie, used to I didn't have a jealous bone in my body! Now that I am getting more and more sober I get jealous. My husband enjoys flirting and he's gone all week on the road, so I'll sit and visualize him in a restaurant flirting with the waitresses. My blood just boils 900 degrees!! Used to that would never enter my mind or I just wouldn't care. I am still trying to find ways to readjust this new beaviour/feeling whatever the hell it is IS!! This sober stuff is very crazy business, but I'll admit being stoned 24/7 for 20 years wasn't the sanest thing I can think of!! Until we get to know our new, clean and sober self I imagine we'll stumble upon this sort of thing from time to time. We'll figure it all out, I just know it!!!!:p


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Paulie]

LG -

It's me again. I have been thinking more about your post.

today sober I am in a relationship with a man that I used with for years. There was a lot of infindelity on his part in our relationship when we were using, today at almost 8 years sober there has not been none. We are a couple committed to each other. Does that mean I don't get jelous, no, he is a good looking man with a really outgoing personality. Now and then when my program is not as good as it should be I can tend to get jealous. But what I have learned from working my steps, is this insecurity is about me and not him, it has nothing to do with him at all.

When I am working my steps and my program is strong I am confident in myself and that too has nothing to do with himself.

Just another 4 cents I wanted to add.

[myles1]

I have a question, with my ex I stopped trusting him afterawhile because there were alot of bizarre mind games on his part like dissappearing at the drop of a hat for hours, not telling me where he was when I'd ask, not telling me where he'd be going, always alluding to having other girlfriends, not calling when he was supposed to, now as I said I stopped trusting him so was that insecurity or jealousy on my part?

Ngaire

[myles1]

Hi LettingGo,

Okay you put it into better perspective. After a softball game probably no big no deal, you've got the kids so can't go at the drop of a hat understandable.

And you are newly sober so he may be feeling lost as to handle things..Maybe you both need to talk about it.

If he's striking off to a couples event and not taking you {like my dearly departed ex used to do} then I'd say that's a bit much but going out after a softball game as long as it's reasonable hours that's pretty okay.

Just my 2 cents worth.


Ngaire

Ngaire