Trying AA Yet Again

[LegalLady]

For the umpteenth time.
I'm such a loser. But I'm gonna go again.
Tonight.
I just wanna die.
So I might as well go again.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

You are not a loser!

You have nothing to lose..tell us how it goes.

Big hugs,

Karen

[LegalLady]

Been in and out so many times I should be banned

[Anna]

Hi LegalLady,

I know how discouraging it can be, I really do.

I hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

[LegalLady]

I don't think you do. I wanna die. I just want to die

[Sheryl85]

LL,

If having been in and out bothers you, let me relate to you that one old timer that I knew and loved dearly had been in and out so many times that they nicknamed him “The Golden Slipper.” He died a few years ago with well over twenty something years of sobriety. (They used to give us Zippo lighters with our sobriety dates engraved on them on our “One Year” birthday, except for him. He had so many lighters that that last time he celebrated a year they gave him a matchbook with his date penciled in!)

So, don’t take it so hard to where it keeps you away from the meetings. Use it instead as a springboard of where you don’t want to be again. (Remember, we are talking life and death for some folks.) You have no idea what the future has to offer and this just might be the basis for some of the promises to be fulfilled. Remember, we are working this thing in our HP’s time, not ours.

Congrats on every single day of your new found sobriety and many, many more!

[Anna]

I used to want to die too, oh yes, I did.

I thought there was just no point to anything anymore.

And, I can still remember those feelings very well.

You are not alone here.

Have you thought of contacting your dr?

[resentful wife]

If AA banned losers it would be a pretty empty meeting place. You can go and just listen, share only your first name and then wait until your ready to share to do so. Since my AH became ill I seem to be on here and posting more because it eases my heart and mind to hang around with people that have been thru as much or more, so if you need a friend to talk to I'm here, we're here.
Linda
P.S Back to one if your reading this I didn't know how it worked with the friend thingy to respone but jump back in and I'll figure it out

[LegalLady]

Anna I see my doctor tomorrow. I'm just pretty tired. Today. I' going to a meeting tonight after work AGAIN.

[Anna]

That's good and hopefully he can give you some good advice.

There is hope LegalLady, there really is.

[Paulie]

None of us are losers, we have a disease IMO and it can be arrested.

Give yourself a break.

What can you do different this time than you did last time? Do you have a sponsor?

[CarolD]

Have you considered going back to re hab?
Or at least having a medically supervised de tox?

Are you mixing your med's with alcohol?
Did you quit
the meds in favor of self medicating with booze?

While I do love AA and it helps me immensley
some of us need more than a meeting.

Be both safe and sober LL

[indigo]

Give it another try nobody is going to haul you over the coals. You are worth it, please try anything to help you help yourself and we are here for you too.
indie

[Rowan]

It's good to see you going back to meetings, LL. I've thought of you often since the last time you were here. Please continue to read and to post and let us know how the meeting goes after work. I remember wanting to die, and feeling hopeless, and that nothing was ever going to work. Please believe this, and let go of the idea that you are somehow different. You can get sober too. Recovery IS possible.

[zoomer]

I was sober for a number of years and relapsed. I was out there for a number of years and hung my head and went back to AA. I took me a couple of years of slipping and sliding to make it. I had to face myself as a cronic relapser and even had people make fun of me and say something to me about my behavior. I was also at the time bi-polar untreated and did some pretty crazy things. I guess I was crazy enough to try not to let people get to me because I was going to stay sober no matter what. I even had one guy say to me that he had seen hundreds of women like me come and go and that he pittied me because I was not going to make it. Hurt my feelings,but it also made me pissed off and i tried harder. I held my head high eventhough I felt like running away and did everything a new person would. I figured it worked once when I was new, so it would work again. I did 90/90, got a sponcer, worked the steps, made coffee... Here it is 3 and a half years later and that guy says hi real nice to me every time I come in to a meeting and I say hi back. I got help for my bi-polar which inturn makes me shy. I'm no longer outspoken nor do I try to run the show. Before when I was trying get a hold on getting sober, it was all about me and my mouth. I cringe and the thoughts of how i use to be. Everyone says I have changed and I have I guess. I just know that I'm sober and i do that by taking the suggestions of the meetings. I'm not perfect,but who is. How many chances does a person get? In my book, as many as it takes until you die. My life is not rosey and I just because I'm sober does not mean that everything will go my way,but at least I can make good choices in my life. Choices use to be made for me by either people or the alcohol. Treat yourself like a new person and be kind to yourself. God knows we do enough beating up of ourselves while drinking.

[Lily]

LL, my first meeting was in 1987, then it was rehab in 1991. Then I had 8 yrs! 8 yrs and I still blew it. In the past 7 yrs I have fallen so many times, I have no idea how many, but I did go back. I took the suggestion of Tanya on here who just got a year & I went to a meeting and I asked a lady to sponsor me. I have never had a sponsor in 21 years and somehow now it feels different, like I have a friend, someone who has been there and she really wants to see me succeed. Today is day 31 for me! I feel soooo much better and you can too!

I am praying for you! You too can do it. don't listen to those negative lying voices that tell you you want to die. That is a lie. you do have much to live for! We love you and really want to see you succeed!

<3 Sheila

[Anna]

How are you doing today LegalLady?

[indigo]

Yes how are you doing today? I do hope you're feeling somewhat better.

[serenityqueen]

Legal Lady, I see you haven't posted for a few days. I hope everything is ok. I first walked in the doors of AA in 1980. I bounced in and out until 2005 where I have remained ever since. What I'm trying to get at is, I thought I was one of those hopeless individuals who just would never be able to get Clean and Sober and Stay in Recovery. I look back and now know that I had to hit my bottom. When I hit my bottom I wanted to die as well. I remember literally yelling out to God to either help me or let me die, I couldn't take anymore. I was so close to suicide but I knew that I would fail at that as well. I imagined myself laying in a nursing home for the rest of my life, paralyzed, wearing a diaper, but my mind would still be going , telling me what a failure I was. It is not hopeless. I truly hope to see you back on here soon.