30 days clean and I used

[2stop]

Today I had 30 days clean and I took 2 Tylenol 3's, I took them for legit pain, but my husband says no matter, 30 days is down the drain, I don't think it would matter if I had a 100 years clean and I was given morphine for a severed limb, he doesn't believe in pain meds, I guess it's better to be miserable in pain--as long as you don't use!! I am very upset right now, I feel damned if I do and if I don't, I am so tired and so sick I just want to run away, where to I have no idea, just far far away, my husband is a wonderful man but he just doesn't understand some things. Maybe I was wrong to take them, maybe not, I don't know, I just don't know, I don't think I should be feeling like a big failure over taking something for pain, but a failure is exactly what I feel like right now.

[Paulie]

Tammie -

Are you talking over the counter tylenol??? I am not sure what you are talking about.

Listen what happens between you and your husband is just that, between you and your husband. I just want to say that an addict can take pain medicaiton as perscribed. I have in the past. I broke my shoulder, they gave me vicodin, made me sick they gave me something else, I took it for a few days, did not make me sick but sure as heck took the pain away, I did not relapse.

Your recovery is between you and your HP and really no one else. If you feel you took 2 tylenols for a headache or something than that is what you did. Write about it in your journal and see how you feel after that.

(((/Tammie)))

[2stop]

It was tylenol with codeine and the script was not mine, and I didn't tell him I took 5 the day before.

[SkyIsFalling42]

((((TAMMY))))
Sis, this is the beginng of a new 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, etc..even if you did slip. Thats the worse of it. Can you go to the Dr and get pain meds prescribed??? would that be ok? Im sorry I understand but I dont...I know that you have been learning so many new tools lately..and you are a wonderful person...please do not let what anyone thinks about you be your business. Dont let the guilt creep up on you. It seems to be kind of like riding a bike..if you wreck on it, you get back on and you know more than you did the last time you got on it..pretty soon you are riding it like a pro..and know you have it in you to do this Tammy...Im sending sisterly love and hugs your way

Love in spirit
Sky

[2stop]

Thanks Sky, I am confused really, I can't get to the doctor myself, money, etc, and I know a person shouldn't take another person's prescription but sometimes you just gotta do what you gots do, and quite frankly i can't stand hurting day after day after day, everyone has a limit to how much pain they can take, I can take a whole lotta pain, but then i get to where I have to find some relief, and while i did take the codeine for physical pain I won't deny that i like the emotional numbness they bring, I like it alot, so in one way I understand my husband thinking any narcotic for any reason for me is bad news, but what good is a sober life if you're in so much damned pain you are miserable??!! I think i think too much, if that makes any sense. Well, thanks for the kind words Sky, I am so glad to have you in my recovery. Hope you're doing okay today.

Hugz,
Tammie

[Paulie]

but what good is a sober life if you're in so much damned pain you are miserable??!!

Better than a using one...That is your disease talking my friend, not you.

Think about, so you slipped okay, today is a new day, you woke up and you try again.

It is okay (((Tammie)))

[2stop]

Thanks, Pauline. Tomorrow's another day, I can start over then. I know I have to take a look at some of my reservations, or whatever is up their in my head and see where I can do some work, I was so excited about the 30 days, hadn't done that in a very long time, so I guess I'll just take a swing at another 30 days! How are doing Pauline, everything going okay with ya?

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Paulie]

uh uh, don't change the subject.....what about making that call to the NA hotline that I have been bugging you about???? hmmmmmmm, what about it my friend!!

(I am okay, thanks for asking )

[phoenix]

You might want to find out if there is anything like a Community Action agency in your area.We have one,and since I have no insurance I see the doc there for a measly 3 dollars.He's a great doctor too,very caring and understanding.In many cases they can treat pain without the use of narcotics.But certainly you should not have to suffer needlessly.

Pick yourself up,dust yourself off and keep doing the next right thing

Hugs

phoenix

[2stop]

Thanks Pauline and Phoenix,

I know, I know......I gotta get to NA, I'm very good at procrastinating, gotta get my butt in gear!

Phoenix-I'm on a waiting list for medical insurance here, it's called adult basic, but it will take a few months to get on it, but you know what has been crossing my mind? Not so long ago if I knew someone had a hundred or so pills to sell, I would somehow come up with the $2-$5 a pill each it cost and would justify it as absolutely necessary, but getting a couple hundred up to go to a doctor seems so extra expense and indulgent!! I've lost my damn mind I do believe, what if I always think like an addict? What if I am as good as I'm gonna get??!! Oh Lordy somebody shut me up already!! Sorry ladies, it's amazing how 7 little pills can take my mind back to being as sick as it ever was, the craving, the justifications, the shame, the OMG! There's no more!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm getting back up, dusting my self off and here I go again........

Hugz,
Tammie

[myles1]

Hi 2stop,

Part of a sober life is taking care of ourselves appropriately, which means going to the doctor for whatever is bothering us and getting proper prescriptions and following the prescriptions.

Living a sober life doesn't mean living in pain AT ALL. I can take pain medication but under doctors orders.

Ngaire

[2stop]

Thanks Myles, ya know I was readong in my NA book last night where it said, as an addict my body doesn't know the difference between narcotics prescribed for pain relief and narcotics I took to get high....and I think I have taught myself to think that only a narcotic will treat the pain, I still feel irritated to take "just" plain ole aspirin or tylenol without any codeine or hydrocodone in it, I get so aggravated at myself! I don't want to feel that way anymore, gotta work harder on the steps!! Hey, how are you doing today? Hope all is well!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[margo]

The ladies have said it all, but sending hugs anyway. Hang in there!

(((((Tammie)))))

[2stop]

Thank you, Margo.

Hugz,
Tammie

[Chy]

Hey Tam,

You quit beating yourself up! Just got back in town and saw your thread and I wanted to cry for you. You have done Soooo great OKAY? So no more blaming yourself what happened and you can work this out with hubby! HE HAS TO see how well you've been doing, and I'm sure he just wants you all better. What he doesn't understand it takes time.

I have to agree with Pauline, it's about time you made that call my dear, this too you can do! I am the master of procrastination and I did it, so can you. You deserve to do this FOR YOURSELF !

Sure this is the best place to start, but time you spread those wings darlin and get in to NA in your area. You ARE ready! It's time for Tammie to take care of Tammie!

Hugs to ya kiddo!

[DolphinBlue]

(((((Tammie)))))

I don't really have much to add, but I wanted to give you a hug and let you know you're in my thoughts. Don't give in!

Amy

[2stop]

Oh thank you ladies!! You are way too kind to me, for I think a swift kick in the rear might do me some good!!:p I went and mowed my dad's yard yesterday for Father's Day and well, I got 2 codeine's for the work!! Pathetic I know, He's out now so I am safe for awhile!! I'll be alright, I'll get this conquered one way or another. Thanks for being here my friends, ya all are the best!


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[LettingGo]

Hi Tammie!

Well girl I know how you are feeling! I remember when I relapsed way way back (that is like 2 or 3 weeks ago :-) ) I felt like such a failure. Well looking back I think that was part of my disease talking too... I think a part of me says, " oh well you screwed up, might as well go out with a bang!" It is a strange thought process we addicts have, and I am not sure that ever goes away but we do learn to recognize it and do what we can to stop it. Those are the tools that you are learning here and you will learn more when, and I am saying when not if, you get to NA. Your sobriety and relapse help other people Tammie. That seems strange I know, but somehow it does. You know, I stayed sober this weekend in large part because of you! Now maybe I can offer you some support too! Just do what you have to do to kick this crap. Get off of it! You know what misery this will bring you. You have to stop this thinkin, and quit finding reasons to take the stuff! Now I say this with a loving heart here.... so please do not be offended. You are stronger than this! Love ya girl! Stick with it and keep me posted today!

Hugs and more,
LG

[2stop]

Oh LettingGo I am not offended at all! I know i have to stop all use of narcotics, While it did help some with the pain and the emotional misery my body does not like it anymore, my veins fel like they are going to blow in my legs and my neck when i take any, even one pill and I just don't feel right, I guess a part of me wants them to work like they used to though I know they never will, I am so tired of even thinking about, although I'd better here soon, I've got it in my head i could order valium off the internet and that would keep me calm enough to stay away from the pain pills, stinkin thinkin, I know. I'm glad you did good this weekend, been thinking about ya!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Tiggs51499]

I remember when I was 30 days. It was totally out of the ordinary for me. I was so proud of myself but I also realized that I didn't do it on my own. My higher power and my group were vital in my 30 days and now. Those were the lost days of my life though. They called for me 1,000 days and 1,000 nights to get there. LOL Boy that was sure right but as long as I stuck with the winners as my cousin told me too I would be alright.

I was a mess for the first year. There was this guy who said to me one night. "you feeling better" I was not feeling better felt like a truck had run me over and my life really stunk. But later he explained what he meant. He told me that I was sober enough now to actually feel things that I never felt before. Today I am greatful for BobbyR for that insight. Because today I feel a whole lot of feelings sometimes and I just walk throught it sometime unwillingly and sometime very willingly. But at least I try.

Keep up the good work and thank you HP everyday and night for keeping you that way.