Failure as a parent...

[SkyIsFalling42]

I really have failed in this area...I have not taught my children responsibility. My 19 year old daughter and my 18 year old son are still living with me, but neither one is working. They can never find any of their stuff, they dont know where they put it.
I think I felt I had to prove to everyone that I could take care of my kids well..so when they were growing up I did everything for them..does that make any sense??
I just stopped washing all of their clothes a little over a year ago!!They are adults, but I think I have failed to give them the tools they need to accomplish this??

Love in spirit
Sky

[2stop]

Oh Sky, you haven't failed as a parent! You did what you thought was best for them...and in my opinion that is being a good parent. My husband hollers at me all the time for doing everything for my kids. It's what we do as mothers, we want our babies to be okay, to feel the nurture and care we lacked. My kids are young still, so I am no expert, but I know it is so hard to try and raise and our babies the "right" way and worrying the whole time we just aren't good enough, we are good enough, we just don't realize it most of the time. Sending {{{HUGS}} for ya Sky, we love you!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[LettingGo]

You did not fail! You loved a lot and that is okay. Now that you recognize that maybe helping them so much, isnt helping them so much, then stop! Easier said than done, I know. It is part of you recovering.... once you identify this strange behavior you do all you can thru prayer, meditation, and working the steps (if you are a stepper ) to get through it. How is it they can live without working at that age? How is it they can still live with mom at that age? How is it that you do all you can to take care of them, but let yourself go for so many years? I have no answers about this, these are just the questions I would have if I were you. This is a little bit rambled here, so I will let someone with some good advice come along and help you out! For now, this is just another sister in recovery saying hang on honey!

Hugs,
LG

[SkyIsFalling42]

Thank you ladies for your support....it just seems part of being a good mother is teaching your kids the skills to take care of themselves...maybe those are skills I just didnt have at the time.

Love in spirit
Sky

[2stop]

{{SKY}} Just remember that you are loved and you did with what you had available to do with, and the rest is up to the kids and God. Hang in there, hon! We're here for you and we think you're an {{{AWESOME}}} lady!!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Paulie]

Sky -

This is a really great subject, I have been thinking alot about this myself lately and doing some step work around it. I am a step parent, I am talking about my own childhood.

Okay here is my 4 cents - we do the best we can with what we know at the time, and when we know better we do better (not my words, Dr. Phil). You have not failed your kids, you did what you thought was best, now you may be thinking that what worked in the past is not working now, so you change it. you can't change over night and have them follow suit, it will be a slow process for them. You already started with the laundry...see my point.


So don't think that you failed, becasue you didn't. You loved (and love) your kids and you provided for them and took care of them and everything that a mom does.

Remember, we do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better - I just love that so much!!!

You are an awesome loving giving woman, that is obvious from your interaction here on the boards, I would bet that you taught those things to your kids...so give yourself credit for what good you have taught them. And lastly, they are adults now and they know better, it will come. I was way slow to grow up........way sloooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!! fought being an adult for YEARS!!!!!!

[margo]

(((((Sky))))) Don't be so hard on yourself! You are such a kind and loving person and I have no doubt that you were a wonderful mom to your kids, and continue to be. Even though my youngest brothers are now in their late 30s, I can assure you that if they were still living at home my mom would still be doing everything for them! It's about the need to nurture, but there comes a time when we need to nurture ourselves. If you still get a lot of joy from caring for your kids, that's fine - just don't let them take advantage of you out of guilt, okay?

Love and hugs.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Thank you Pauline and margo for your kind words..I think i get it now..seems when I get something in my head its so hard to change the way I feel sometimes. Im going to re read this post every day for a while.

Love in spirit
Sky

[Paulie]

(((Sky)))

[margo]

YOU ARE DOING GREAT AS A PARENT. IN MY RECOVERY, I HAD
TO ((((( RECOGNIZE ))))) RED FLAGS. IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN
A RED FLAG LAST WEEK, BUT IT IS TODAY.

I KNOW WHEN I AM ABLE TO (((( RECOGNIZE )))) SOMETHING,
IT IS TIME TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

TEACHING OUR KIDS, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR AGES AND LOVING
THEM IS OUR JOB.

I'VE LEARNED IT'S O.K. TO DO FOR OTHERS, UNTIL, IT IS TAKEN
ADVANTAGE OF. THEN IT'S UP TO ME TO BACK OFF ALOT OR A
LITTLE BIT.

WITH MY STEP KIDS, IT TOOK ME 1 YEAR TO REMIND THEM THAT
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO THROW THERE HAMPER OF CLOTHES
DOWN THE STAIRS ANYMORE. THEY WILL PLACE IT IN THE
LAUNDRY ROOM WITH THE CLOTHES STILL IN IT. 4 FEET OF
CLOTHES ON THE STAIRS IS DANGEROUS.

I TOLD THEM THEY WERE PROBABLY TAUGHT THIS, BUT NOW WE
ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY SAID, O.K., I HAD TO REMIND THEM ALOTTTTTTTT!

TO BAD THERE ISN'T A BOOK THAT COMES WITH KIDS, TO TELL
YOU HOW TO PARENT THEM. ONE COMES WITH YOUR MICRO-
WAVE!!!!

LOVE YOUR KIDS, AND TELL THEM THAT OFTEN.

ATHORITYANGEL

[trish]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did what you felt was right. I also have 2 older kids. They are 19 and 16 years old. My oldest was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed at a very young age so I always did things for him. My daughter....is very responsible, but of course if things do not get done, I step in.
Not to mention, that neither of them do their own laundry. I can also say alot of other things they "don't" do but I'd be here all day.
You are not alone out there.