A newbie alcoholic was relapsing: on men!

[Freesia]

Hi Everyone,

Last time I posted something, I got lots of great feedback and suggestions. Now, several months later, I see even more clearly how good that advice to me was. And I could use some more help.

It is shocking to me to finally admit and accept that I have been in close to total denial about how little healed up I was from a divorce 10 years back. I was using men and martinis to distract me from my fear and pain. I really get this, finally! I actually look forward to working on my relationship with myself. I just know this is the missing piece in me. It's so true, you can't love anyone until you love yourself.

I also believe that as I get healthier in this regard, I will eventually attract a healthier, more suitable partner than the "almost good enoughs" I was dating. I just needed a few more humiliating "convincers" to prove the point to myself.

Here's my question: is it too soon for me to check out some SLAA meetings? I found that my commitment to AA work has helped enormously with my understanding of the previous program that got me into AA--Al anon. It took my AA experiences to provide the spiritual strength I needed to face this old nemesis, my love addiction.

My sponsor thinks it's a good idea. She's asking sober girlfriends for their recommendations of some meetings. What do you gals think? PS: I'm on step 4. Working on it has led me to lots of these conclusions/questions.

Thanks a million!

[51anna]

Hi Freesia,

I'm glad you're back and it sounds like you're moving forward in your life.

I am not an AA person so can't give you any advice on that, but if you think SLAA meetings are right for you, then you should do it. I more or less follow my own program and use SR as a life, so I am all for doing whatever works for you.

[nandm]

Wish I could offer some suggestions or experience but I am not familiar with SLAA.

[swamijapa]

Sorrry can not be od asssistance here as my program is New Life, not AA, but what is SLAA? Thanks Swamijapa

[WLDKATZ]

I know what ya mean, I started going to SA the moment some one made a joke about it.....I know I had a problem, truthfully 4 years into my program I am better for it, take a chance and go to a meeting you may find there is a deeper issue and it needs to be cleared up.....good luck and keep posting

[dalaimama]

I think it's sex and love addict's anon....

[indigo]

I'm sorry I have no ES&H on this one and I wish you all the best in finding the right path for yourself.

[WLDKATZ]

Check in and let us know how ya are hon!

[CarolD]

I have not been to a SLAA meeting
but I'd certainly attend if I thought it could be helpful.

I can tell you this...
I ask my AA sponsees to finish their formal 12 Steps
before starting a new relationship.
Those who do seems to have a
smoother healthier partnership

Plese let us know how you are doing..k?

[freya]

Originally Posted by Freesia

My sponsor thinks it's a good idea. She's asking sober girlfriends for their recommendations of some meetings. What do you gals think? PS: I'm on step 4. Working on it has led me to lots of these conclusions/questions.

I think that your sponsor is probably your sponsor for a very good reason reason (a reason which you were probably very clear about when you asked her to sponsor you) and that, if she thinks it's a good idea, then either you trust that it's a good idea or you think about finding another sponsor. I don't mean to sound harsh about it, and I certainly think that if you have questions about why she thinks another program would be helpful to you in conjunction with your AA program, you should be able to share your questions with her and get answers that make sense to you from her. But, I would seriously hope that your sponsor knows you much better than anyone on here and that you trust her enough to follow her suggestions -- if you don't and you feel like you need to get "second opinions" from "virtual" strangers about her guidance, then I truly believe that you need to talk to her about that and give some thought as to why you're trusting her with "managing" your recovery in the first place.

freya

[Freesia]

Well, that certainly does sound harsh. My sponsor is as unfamiliar with SLAA as I am, and like me, will appreciate hearing any helpful, nonjudgmental information about how participating in that program might work for someone in early recovery.

Perhaps I have misunderstood the purpose of this forum. Is it not to ask for suggestions from other recovering alcoholics?

[CarolD]

Yes ...experiences and information are to be shared on SR.

However...
It's best to remember we are all in various stages
in our addictions and recoveries.

Sooo....Freesia what have you decided to do?

[Freesia]

Wow, twice I've lost the long replies I've written, which disappeared as soon as I try to submit them! So this will be quick.

Good news: I've lost the compulsion to date. As soon as I could see what was pushing my buttons, I began to understand that I not only need, but want some undistracted time to deal with my history. I am absorbing this new understanding of the fear that served as a barrier between me and sobriety. This fear was beaten back by booze, food, and men, but now I'd rather attack it directly!

Someone qualifying at an AA meeting recently recommended two books, which I immediately bought and am finding very helpful: Stage II Recovery and Stage II Relationships, love beyond addiction.Both are by Earnie Larson.

Meanwhile, I went to an AA New Year's Eve dance, and had a total, fun, friendly blast. I like feeling free and centered like this.

Happy New Year Everybody, and thanks for your help.

[Freesia]

Forgot to mention that I heard about a good beginner's SLA meeting, women only. It meets tomorrow, and I'm going to give it a try.

[Freesia]

Hi,

Well, I tried SLAA out, and decided it's a great option for those who need it, but not for me. I definitely related to the stories, but I don't feel the need to address this particular facet of my addictive nature with anything more than my wonderful AA meetings and fellowship right now. I was happy to learn that, although my self esteem is still not very good, at least my boundaries are healthier than I had realized, and getting stronger by the week.

I'll tell ya, though, listening to those women threw a scare into me. Going to the meeting served as an excellent cautionary tale, at the very least. My sponsor just shared that she had heard it's difficult to find SLAA meetings in our city (NYC) where there is good recovery represented. That explains the sad, disturbed feeling I had by the end of the meeting. There but for the grace of god go I, is how it felt. Very sad and scary. My AA meetings always inspire me and lift my spirits. That is NOT the feeling I got from today's SLAA.

I am grateful to not feel as helpless about my relationship addiction as I thought I was. And I'm glad SLAA is there for those who need it.

Thanks for listening, and helping me sort through this.

[freya]

Good for you -- hope it works out well.

freya

[CarolD]

Thanks for the update....

Keep in focus and don't be a SR stranger!