Live, I think I've figured out the guilt.

[myles1]

Hi,

So I think I figured out the guilt thing.

The ex was always talking about his ex's and the horrible things they had done to him, blah,blah blah,blah........

So my response was to not do those supposed things, he's so full of s$%t anyway those things probably never happened or he probably did them himself, not the girlfriends.

So anyway I would strive to please him and not do things he was constantly talking about.

He was always talking about how they ran around on him (he was probably doing that) and they would never tell him their schedule so they were sneaking around blah blah blah blah so I always saID WHERE i WAS WORKING (i WORK AT DIFFERENT PLACES EVERYDAY) I even wrote where I was working on which day down on the calender and the phone number. Lots of times when I was coming back from a meeting I would call to say I was on my way.


But was I givewn the same back noooooooooooo because that was his way of having lots of control over me but if I want the same well I was trying to take away his freedom.

About feeling guilty for talking to other guys that is because also him talking about how the others ran around him ahhahahahaha,
so I was always careful not to talk to other guys just have women friends not sit beside men at meetings stuff like that. And why? when I wasn't doing anything wrong in the first place.

I just can't believe I was so dumb and blind and what a jerk.

Ngaire

[myles1]

Oh and by the way I forgot to add, it didn't matter what I did,or how much,often,I did of something. It was NEVER enough.

Ngaire

[myles1]

Next time:

1. I will not get involved right away.

2. I will take the time to get to know someone.

3. I will run at the first sign of any illness.

4. I will look for the ability and natural wanting to accept and deal with personal responsibility.

5. I will LISTEN carefully when the person talks. When we talk it tells alot about ourselves.

6. I will look for wierd behaviours like victim role, blaming, if there has been a series of broken relationships, look at their life.

7. I will sit back and take my time not get blinded by the whirlwind of emotion.

8. I will keep on living my own life not get instantly involved then lose myself.

9. I will watch out for if they are autonomous from their MOTHERS if they have healthy boundaries away from parents.

[liveweyerd]

Yeah,

That compare and contrast game. PHooey!

I am not even thinking about next time.

[myles1]

And it is a game right? That is the purpose to keep you hopping to keep you in control and striving to please THEM.

Ngaire

[liveweyerd]

Game, strategy, tactic, manipulative manuever, the only way they know how to relate.....whatever you call it a rose is a rose is a rose.

I have been having dreams about A all week. Not really emotional or longing, not the craving kind, I think mine are about celibacy...and the way I have buried all sexuality, the repressed is starting to pop up...and he is very strongly my association to sex, he is a very sexy guy and we were very uniquely paired in that respect....it is why I so strongly believed he is the one for me....I have been out of one of my meds all week....so I will get it refilled this weekend and hopefully it will tame those impulses because I am not ready to deal with that aspect of life.

I am focusing on rebuilding other sides of life and I sure don't want that blindsided.

I have missed you!

[myles1]

Hi Live,

Well I've certainly missed you and your input.

Thankfully we didn't have great sex so that was one place where I wasn't hooked, but I do know what you mean by the sex. It's hard to seperate the sex from the reality of the situation.

What's going on with you? How is your job working out?

Ngaire

[myles1]

I've been having a tough time this week with things. I guess because it's the time of year when we'd be going on vacation.

Yesterday I had this really overwhelming feeling to call him and these strong cravings to go back. But then I always think what's the point........so I can be blamed for everything again.

Ngaire

[liveweyerd]

Hi,

The job takes up my time, that's about all I can say for it. But the project is gearing up and I should get more involved and interested once I get something real to do. Hopefully that starts next week.
I like everybody I work with. That is cool. And it is all the social life I need or want.
Am still waiting for that first paycheck. Really eager to start collecting all that money I have bragged about! hahahahahaha
Am over the guilts about it.
Life is unfair, I accepted the bad unfair things, I think I can accept the good unfair things now.
I really like living in Florida.
And I am rooming with a friend for now, someone I already knew who works the same project and helped get me hired. I am far more comfortable at her house than I am at sister's! Her household is much calmer, organized and peaceful.

How are you?