Im feeling really lost

[clancy]

Hey you guys,

sorry i havent been around for awile.......ive been bumbling along out there trying to survive,but today, i just pannicked and rushed home from work in the middle of the day.......

I feel lost and scared,and i feel like no body really knows me,and if they did they would hate me. I mostly survive at work okay...they know ive had drug problems in the past but they dont know im still struggling with it. these days i take tramadol,i get it so easily from the net...my god,it makes me sweat to think what they supply in this way.Of course i started it to help me get over my opium addiction,now im addicted to tramadol,and i take more and more,my tolerance goes up and up,i can't help it,i cant stop,something incredibly strong in my head just makes me do it ,im completely powerless to stop...oh jeez,im sorry for not being a success guys.....im still alive tho,and mostly im okay,but sometimes it all just sqeezes me so tight, i just dont know what to do.

Sorry this isn't very clear.I just panic sometimes.I have a fairly senior position in a responsible job,which mostly is okay,mostly i hold it down,but sometimes i feel like saying...can't you see im drowning?....this is all to much for me....

But i cant do that.I have to go on. well until something gives way i guess.
I go to meetings sometimes..the people there are nice,but the meetings drive me nutty,i feel like falling asleep.drug stories are boring!

I'll be okay i guess im just freaking out at the moment.I wish i had someone i could really trust and felt easy enough to be just me with.but really,i dont feel worthy enough to tell anyone exactly who i am....it seems small,and pathetic.

Soory to be a downer guys,i just needed to pour all the poison out of me even if makes no sense.

I feel i can do that here.

you dont have to read it,but well if ya did,thanks for listening.I'll be okay. i just feel scary today.

clancy

[margo]

((((((((((Clancy))))))))) Always good to hear from you. Sorry to hear about tough times. Just keep on trying Clancy - you know we love you!

[2stop]

Dear Clancy,

I am sorry to hear you having such a rough time. I can totally relate to the panic and terror opiate addiction brings. I am only 26 days clean and it has been a white-knuckle ride, this site is such an incredible help. I know it feels like this will never go away. I have days that I think this also, but I do know I used pills for over 20 years and it is difficult to think of myself being capable of doing ANYTHING without my precious little friends, the pills. I have lost a lot by my pill use. But the one thing that I had to do to stop using them was to say How am I going to live with these pills? Three years ago the doctors told my husband I was in end-stage narcotic addiction, but I blamed all my health problems on "something "else. I just kept on using and using until it was either death or the institution. Period. So, of course I thought one or the other would happen, I was about ready.something had to give...but I kept looking at my children and thinking to what my husband told me, there was only one way through it, and that was abstinence....I begged him to leave me, told him nobody should see what I was fixin to go through. He refused to leave, which I am very lucky for, I had shut out every other people in my life. In 4 days I will have made it 30 days and I haven't done that for many many years. YOU CAN do this, one little step at atime. We are all here for you, and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers today.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[clancy]

hi, thanks guys. margo, you are forum leader now, t
hats pretty cool.

I feel dreadfully silly in some ways to come to this site,kick my legs in the air and have the fear.

It eats me whole sometimes! ive been comming here for 18 months now, you guys are just stunning,you help like no one else ever does.

Sometimes i wish i had a mom who knew everything, all my secrets and lies and fears,and imperfections....i just want to be held by someone who understands how frightened i am.

i just seem to go round and round on this merry go round,its going so fast i can't jump off,well im just scared too,scared of the hole that will be there when i stand on the ground again.

I feel like im going on in a self pitying manner now, doh, a pity party jon calls it. I'll stop i guess! i love y'all sorry for being a bore!

[margo]

Clancy - yeah, me - can you believe it?! Hon, just keep coming back - it will happen for you - you just have to believe and have faith in yourself. Holding you in my heart, as always.

Love you Clancy!

[clancy]

love you margo!

[Ann]

Clancy

I saw you were here and just had to stop by to say hello.

Don't ever feel silly coming here, you are always welcome.

I'm not an addict, my son is, but something that I have seen and believe is that just like the relapse happens long before you pick up, I believe that recovery happens long before you put down.

You have already started Clancy - and you and I are just slow learners . It took me forever to learn to listen and not question those who went before me.

I really care about you Clancy, and pray that someday soon you will find the courage and willingness to step through the door and say "enough".

And as a "mom", I'll give you a big hug and tell you - honestly - that I do believe in you and that you can do it. As a mom in recovery, I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

I'm happy you came back.

[Paulie]

Clancy -

So glad to see you, I have been wondering where you went.

I am glad to hear you are okay, you just gotta take it slow. Keep an open mind at meetings. What about a sponsor and the steps? I remember when you didin't even want to talk about meetings, and now you go....so....now I can push you to work the steps maybe, just maybe .

I am glad you hear from you, don't ever feel silly about posting, were are all friends here.

[clancy]

Right,nothing else has worked im going to try these god damn steps!

I give in!

I admit i am powerless over my disease!

lets see where it takes me! im going to be open minded about this!

here goes!

[Paulie]

(((Clancy)))) You made me smile from ear to ear!!!

You can do this, what do you have to lose?????

:

The first step is admitting that you are powerless, there you go. Ask someone to work the steps with you that has worked them. someone that you see in a meeting that you connect with. And if you are truly being openminded....that will happen.

You go Girl!!!!

[Juls]

Clancy girl,

It's good to hear from you. You know you are loved and accepted here, just the way you are. You do have a place to come and be yourself. No need to apologize, or knock yourself about.

Luv

Juls

[Paulie]

Good Morning Clancy - oh wait maybe it is night where you are. Oh well either way I wanted to send you (((hugs))) today. You made a huge step yesterday and I am proud of you.

We are here, pull from the groups strength when you need to.

[rebosNoc]

clancy..........

have you ever thought about treatment ....taking sometime off from work ....it would probably be the best thing for you....i mena if you just focus on your recovery first your higher power whatever that might be will take care of the rest ......

i'll keep you in m y prayers.....and if you can just focus on getting through just an hour without taking anything or 10 mins literally ...and worry about the next 10 mins or the next hour when it comes.....you really need to get out of your own head some how ...keep your self busy in a positive way ...do you have a sponsor????

There are no miracles for those
who doubt their possibilities...
But for those who believe --
truly believe...
all is possible.

Whatever you may have believed;
whatever you may have done;
and whatever you may be in your life --
It's not too late to change course
and begin anew...

A fresh start, a bright future
and the wonderful peace that passes
all understanding,
are yours for the taking,
now and forever more!

[clancy]

Right, im going to have to work from some of the NA literature,cos at the meetings i go to,they dont really do steps, apparently i need a'step meeting' for that.

I will have to go up to london for this,my sister knows all about them(oh,yes,this sort of things in the family! - she is a drinker tho'...) anyway,im sorting it out.

Hmmm,i think that treatment would be the way forward...if i could afford the time off work! not possible right now sadly, but may be in the near future i will be able to swing it.

How ever the idea of rehab fills me with trepidation! having to share a dorm(no private rooms here in blighty,unless youre kate moss, and loaded...blatantly, im neither!) with a load of clucking junkies.....how hellish would that be?

If anyone has any rehab experiences to share i'd be interested tho'

love,clance x

[Paulie]

Hey Clancy -

I am glad you are still around my friend. What about asking someone at the meetings that you go to to be your sponsor and work the steps with you, it does not have to be a step meeting.

About rehab. I was in a 3 bedroom house with anywhere from 5 to 7 women at one time. The master bedrrom with its own bath belonged to the house parent, the woman who ran the house. Me and the other girls shared the two other rooms and 1 bathroom. Sometimes it got nuts. that is for sure. One girl was a prostitute, ran away for a weekend to make some money and then came back. 1 woman was24 I think and had 6 kids that were all take away from her one by one. the other girls came from jail there, all arrested for drugs and other stuff. Little ol' Pauline walked in all by herself, I surrenderd and knew it I wanted to get sober I had to live with these women who were all very different than me. I've never been arrested, came close and hung with lots of people who have includeing my SO, never was a prostitute, never had a child and then had it take from me cause of my drug use....but you know what those things are just 'ifs' for me. Meaning they are what could happen to me 'if' I use today!!!

Everyone there wanted to get sober for whatever reason, some of us made it and some didn't. but if you are ready and surrender - that is half the battle.