I need to share

[dalaimama]

Hi...haven't posted here in a while, but I find myself coming back to these cyber rooms for comfort and affirmation of my need to stay sober.
I'm in a pretty sad space right now....my boyfriend had come from New Orleans to visit me in NC for Christmas and it was a difficult time...we argued so much, and I realized this isn't going to work...and it makes me sad, I love him, but there's so much strife and negativity that I know in my heart that it isn't good for either of us, and especially my sobriety. We were together for years down in New Orleans, were supposed to get married 5 years ago yesterday..but I called off the wedding, and drank. Now I've been sober 2 yrs and 9 months, and I need to let him go again....and stay sober.
I don't like where I've been working for the last 6 weeks, but I finish this job on New Year's Eve and am leaving North Carolina the following day..a place I originally prayed to come to....and I prayed to get back together with him to...
It just seems funny to me how the things I wished for were not things that were good for me, and how I need to really practice step 3, and be open to the guidance of my HP, not try to map out my life and stubbornly wait for God to give me what I think I deserve as a reward for all of my 'good behavior' And I know that the MOST important thing thru this is to just not pick up a drink....and circumstances, feelings will change and get better.
I went to a meeting at noon here, it was a step meeting (5) and I didn't share, I should have, I know. I don't have a sponsor right now, I really need to get one. I've been travelling for the last year (going to the Canary Islands for January) and I've been putting it off, against my better judgement...so thanks for letting me share here, I feel lighter already...kim

[Rowan]

Hi Kim,

Welcome to our recovery community - thanks for joining us.
I agree that getting a sponsor is a wise idea, and I do think you are taking positive steps to safeguard your sobriety, which is good. I know how difficult it can be to let go of someone you love when it no longer works. I really do understand that.
I hope you continue to post here and allow us to get to know you better.

Ro

[51anna]

Welcome!

Being open to what god wants for us and to following our soul's path, is hard sometimes. It's hard for what we want, to not get in the way of things. But, it sounds like you're doing a great job of moving forward.

Keep reading and posting.

[CarolD]

Congratulations on your sober time!

Welcome to SR!

[dalaimama]

Thanks ladies....today is better, as I knew it would be. In the afternoon, before my siesta, I always read 'Sermon On the Mount' which is my fav book for spiritual guidance (other than the Big Book)..and when I opened it up where I had left off I read:
"When you find yourself in difficulties, you should pray for harmony and freedom, and expect to get it; but you should not seek to select the exact arrangement that will come about, or the course things will take. If you make up your mind very firmly that you are going to get a particular thing, you may, if you have a certain type of mentality, bring it about; but this exercise of will power is almost certain to land you in difficulties- you will get your own way, and then you will bitterly regret it."
Step 3...amen. Love Emmett Fox...anyone else into this book? I've been reading it thru slowly, every day for the last couple years..when I finish I start again at the beginning..it has helped me so much. Curious what other's experience has been with this book....guess maybe this could be a new thread...

[expenguin]

I think you are on the right track..........keep doing what you need for you and leave the boyfriend alone............You can do better.....sounds like you know what you want for the moment.....

Take time to work your program and don't be in a hurry to find someone to complete your life.............. I was alone in my program in the start and felt ok....I had lots to work on before I let someone in my life......... I had lots of choices to make and to do what God wanted me to do each day........was tough and yet I have made it this far.

Today I have a family and my life in the program keeping me busy..... took a long time to get this far. there are times when I need my space to think and just be alone.............

Working the program is important.............. Find a sponsor and you will get on the right path to help yourself through recovery issues...... Don't make a life move into marriage just yet..... You need to do for you first.........

Hugs to you today and I am praying you listen to your heart and to God...... Work the steps till you feel yourself breathing them at the same time.............you will reach out in time to help someone else and then know what you want to do with your life.......... give yourself plenty of time in your program before making your life complete.....

I have almost 22 years in this program and am proud of where I am today...... Yes.....I still have the ups and downs as someone that is just starting out.... But that is just part of Recovery...... it will always be there.........

Little Penguin

[Lily]

Kim

I have not read the book, but it sounds great! I am very happy you came here and shared. You made a very brave decision to not marry and take a step back. It is so important to your recovery.

I know for me in my life, the boyfriends i picked in the past, ended up not being the type i ended up marrying. I think as we grow older we change and there have many times in my life I look back later with such gratitude that the Lord did not give me what I THOUGHT I wanted.

Blessings to you and welcome! This is a great place to post and share.

Sheila

[expenguin]

I will agree about the boyfriend....... I never married the guys I went out with as they seemed to whimpy.......YES ....some guys just didn't make the cut with me and I had to find a way out............the last one that I couldn't handle in my life and he kept saying I wasn't "his girlfriend" turned out to be the worse one of all....soooo much that I had to get a restraining order out on him........He was the biggest looooooser..................and a MAMMA's BOY...........

I did marry a guy that was very understanding and lovable........he was the best pick of my life........and nine years later we are still together for the rest of our lives..........

Good luck ......and take life slow.....work your program to your best ability.......take your time and you will find what you want in your life.................

Little Penguin

[hairgirl]

Isn't it amazing how what we think we need in life changes so much after being clean a while?
Even love is different.After being empowered by recovery, I found just how much of my views about the love I wanted were so very different.I had more self respect.I knew that verbal abuse was not acceptable in a relationship.I would have tolerated that treatment while using for whatever the reasons, but not anymore.I took the time to find peace in myself, then found someone very special on that journey.It only made me want better even more.I changed so much through having "real" love in my life.I feel truly blessed.
I wish everyone could realize they are worth more than getting abused in any way.Life is too short to be with someone who does not truly respect and love you.

[indigo]

Welcome to the women's forum it's good to have you join us. Great post hairgirl.

[swamijapa]

For some reason your post reminded me of my decision to take the word "expectation" out of my vocabulary. To me expectation=disapoinment, now I take every day as it comes and with wathever it brings, so far so good, it's working great for me. I completly relay on my HP, he knows what I need.
Ups, a warm welcome to you and hope to get to know you better. Swamijapa

[lanap]

Hi dalaimama,

I totally agree with all the above posts whats the saying.....'be careful what you wish for'.

I know that I am in recovery for me and I can't let anyone be around me that will cloud my judgements or make that difficult for me like drinking did before. For one I want to find out who I really am first.

Love and Hugs to all xx