Family In Need of Advice

[livingaddict]

Greetings - I took the opportunity to sign my sister-in-law up for this forum so that she had somewhere to go when she needed help. In the meantime, however, her family (us) have a very serious problem! My sister-in-law has been sober since August 11, 2007. She relocated to another state to live with us to get out of the dire situation she was in. Her addiction to cocaine took her to the bottom. Since that time, she has successfully completed an Inpatient program and is now in an Intensive Outpatient Program. Everything in her life is wonderful !!! She had started a new life, with new beginnings and everybody in our family has been extremely optimistic. However, she relapsed yesterday !!!! Her brother, my husband, is screaming at her. I signed her up for this for not only her sake but for help on our end. I don't know if yelling and screaming at her is the best way to handle this situation. Everytime he raises his voice to her - its almost like she goes in to a shell. Is there anybody out there who can refer me to a site or a reference manual on assisting the family with coping and understanding the relapse process and what is the best way to handle this horrible situation????

I don't want her to feel like we don't love her - we do very much !! And all we want for her is to get better. We keep on asking her why - and the only thing she says is that she doesn't know why. Is she afraid of telling us why or does she really being honest when she says she doesn't know??

Somebody please help us !!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[Digginit]

I don't have any good answers for you, but I probably have a few things in common with your sister-in-law. I'm a cocaine addict. I have every reason in the world to stay clean, but despite that, I've relapsed a couple times. I've been asked "why?" And I've sunk inside. "I felt compelled," just doesn't seem an adequate explanation, and there's just no way to wade through all the garbage bouncing around inside....and maybe the wish to just stop existing because this whole getting and staying clean thing is just too damn overwhelming sometimes.

I doubt that yelling at her helps her, but maybe it helps your husband. And really, your and his needs are JUST as important as hers. She needs help, but y'all don't need to be sucked down with her.... She has to want sobriety, and she has to realize that nobody else can or WILL do it for her. Her life is her responsibility. Hopefully she'll come to love the responsibility she has for herself....and the recognition that having responsibility means having some say in what happens in her life.

I'm rambling.

Merry Christmas to y'all~
dig

[nandm]

So sorry for the struggle you are going through. I would encourage you to visit our Friends and family forum here at SR. It would be a good resource and support for you right now.

As for your sister in law. I do think she is being honest when she says she doesn't know why. I am a recoverying alcoholic. If someone asked me why I drank I could not answer as I did not know why. Today I know why, because I am an alcoholic. That is the reason plain and simple. I would suggest that if your sister in law wants help you call your local Narcotics Anonymous chapter (should be a hotline number in your phone book) and speak to them to see if they have anyone available to do a twelve step call. They will come out, meet with her, and if she wants help they will get her set up with meetings and support.

Please do take a look at our friends and family area as addiction is just as hard on families as it is on the addict. Take care and thank you for trying to help someone in need.

[Lily]

I hear you....it is frustrating. I had almost 30 days clean and picked up too. I was so bummed at myself for it and having to start all over. I too have no idea why, except that despite how great I was feeling clean and sober that urge of instant gratification just took over.

the yelling isn't going to help at all. She knows she blew it. Just pray for her and love her and get into ala-non or I also agree w/ the 12 step call the person mentioned above. blessings, Sheila

[indigo]

Alas she's going to need to help herself for herself, has she shown remorse and does she want to get clean again? If she does that's great, my son has relapsed many times, he still hasn't got it. I hope SIL wants it and pray she acheives it.
hugs indigo

[kelsh]

Hi,

It is always a shock to everyone even your SIL when someone has a relapse. It she can get right back to her program of recovery that would be what would help her now. :ghug2

She most likely doesn't know why and yelling at her only makes it tough for everyone...she is at a very fragile place right now.

Holiday times are the hardest to go through when first clean or sober...hope she gets on track so you all can have a nice Christmas together.

kelsh

[CatsPajamas]

It's truly a difficult thing for everyone. From what I have learned here, your SIL most likely feels awful about her relapse. She really doesn't need anyone telling her how much she screwed up... she already knows.

As for the yelling at her? I firmly believe that NO one should be yelled at - ever - unless the house is on fire.

Hugs and love
Cats