The past is catching up to me again - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-18-2007, 04:03 PM

So, I get an email last night from a woman that I know slightly. She is living with a man that I had a relationship with shortly after I separated from my exH. It ended badly.

Turns out that she's contacting me in order to let me know that she found compromising pictures of me with him on an Adult dating site that he belongs to. Thought that I should know. I immediately contacted him and told him to remove them ASAP or he'll be hearing from my attorney. He denied it, then when she checked later, they were gone. My point in sharing this?

I'm embarrassed, enraged, disappointed in myself for trusting this..person (I use the term loosely) and not really sure how to let this one go. While we were together, he professed his love for me.

I'm grateful to her that in her heartbreak she was kind enough to let me know. I know that I'm not that same person, but this is just hitting me right in the face.

Other than telling me how stupid I was to leave the pictures in his possession (lesson learned) any thoughts out there??

Karen

CarolD · 12-18-2007, 05:09 PM

Good for you Karen....you took action to get them removed.

Of course, that was the old you
and the neew you stood up!

I bet anyone going to an adult dating site
is not who you now know.

Blessings

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-18-2007, 05:22 PM

Carol, thank you. I needed some reinforcement..I am SO NOT THAT PERSON any longer!

Karen

***Anna*** · 12-18-2007, 05:49 PM

Karen, your point and Carol's are completley valid. That was the old you and this is now. I did things I would love to erase from my life, but I can't. All I can do is know that I will never do things like that again. The woman was good to let you know about this and it was great that you handled it.

Fluttering · 12-18-2007, 07:52 PM

Thanks for sharing that Karen

I have often had to be reminded I am not the pderson I once was and it is a tremendous source of comfort and encouragement.

what you shared tells more about his character and lack of principles. Today you can walk with your head high and with dignity. I for one am proud to be walking with you.

indigo · 12-19-2007, 04:08 AM

Don't beat up on yourself, the past is gone and so is the old you. And you rock sis.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-19-2007, 04:38 AM

I"m praying for help to let this go..

Karen

***nandm*** · 12-19-2007, 07:07 AM

merlot,
When I first saw your post, I was truly at a loss for a response. But after having some time to process it I realize that what stands out to me about your post are several things:

Your strength---you were faced with a difficult situation and stood up for yourself.

Your courage----the easy thing to do would be to run and hide. You did not do that. It also took courage to post here and seek solutions.

Your wisdom---rather than choosing to let your anger control you, you chose to try and find a solution. You spoke to your ex and told him to take the picture down.

Each of those qualities look great on you. Glad you are a part of SR. You are truly a blessing.

Judith

Paulie · 12-19-2007, 07:33 AM

That is not who you are it is just something that you did....there is a huge difference.

That was something I learned the first time I worked the steps and had to put on paper all the horrible things I did while using, the lieing, cheating, stealing, adultury....all of it on paper in front of me. My amazing sponsor reminded me that those were things that happened, they are not who I am.

What a gift that that woman called you and told you about it. That shows me that you are a good person today, good things come to good people.

That was your HP working in your life today.

Thank you for sharing with us and reminding us that we are not what we did.

Elizabeth2007 · 12-19-2007, 07:35 AM

I agree with what everyone has said. I especially like the saying "that it is not WHO you are"

Good for you for taking action and not being paralyzed by negative feelings.

You should be proud of yourself for taking action and not allowing yourself to be a victim.

I am sorry it happened, though, as I'm sure it was a very hurtful and embarassing situation.

But focus on the fact you are strong and are not a victim, you are an overcomer !!

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-19-2007, 04:24 PM

Thank you my sisters...I wasn't sure about posting it, but I thought that maybe it would help..and it has!

I love you guys.

xo

Karen

Digginit · 12-19-2007, 06:35 PM

she found compromising pictures of me with him on an Adult dating site that he belongs to.

I honestly don't see anything that you should be ashamed of. You were intimate with a man whom you were...well...intimate with. You trusted that what the two of you did privately were yours. He abused that trust. It's on HIM, not you. As far as I can see, there's nothing for you to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. He, however, has plenty.

Peace~
linz

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-19-2007, 06:56 PM

Linz,

It just brought up many of the feelings that I felt at the time. He wasn't a good choice, but it took me a few months to get out of the relationship. It's not something that I would choose today.

On a positive note, I've been talking to his gf who wrote me. She's trying to get out..she's an addict/alcoholic and I think that I've been helpful in sharing my recovery with her. So, maybe something good will come from this. God works in mysterious ways..

Karen

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-20-2007, 04:15 PM

Ok, my sponsor says that I have to stop saying that I'M FINE. When I'm not.

I have to admit this situation, though resolved, has thrown me into a tailspin of the blues. I'm sure that it being the holiday season isn't helping. I felt so very strong in my recovery, strong in my work on my fourth step, ready to battle my defects and get them the heck out there, felt good about so many things, all my blessings..but I can't shake this blechy feeling. I really want to get into the bathtub for a soak and cry for a bit, but I"m chairing the meeting tonight and have to go...

:wtf2

Digginit · 12-20-2007, 04:21 PM

Maybe a good soak in the tub and a crying spell is due after the meeting. Or maybe that just right sentiment will be shared in the meeting that will give you a new perspective on it. Sounds like that relationship is one that you'd like to have not exist, but it does. This might be an important time for you....incorporating an event into your life that is painful, rather than burying it. A good friend threw that out there for me to chew on after I had discussed with him all the gory details of an unimaginable situation that I was in many years ago...that I had tried to wall off. It hadn't worked. But finding a way to incorporate it into who I am gave me a better perspective on it. Maybe I'm just babbling, but it's what comes to mind for me.

Love~
dig

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 12-20-2007, 04:25 PM

gotcha Dig...thanks.

***Anna*** · 12-20-2007, 04:28 PM

Oh Karen, I think learning live with these kinds of feelings is a huge part of recovery. For years, long before I drank, I carefully avoided dealing with situations in my life. I just carried on and thought everything would be ok. And, it wasn't. I think you have to feel the feelings, cry or scream or somehow get it out, then move on. It's not easy, but knowing that you can't escape the feelings you have is a big step.

***nandm*** · 12-20-2007, 04:31 PM

Digginit gave some wonderful suggestions.

What I have found is that when I am in the midst of the problem, especially if it is one that I want to kick myself over, I have trouble with wanting to just go hide till it goes away.

Fortunately, I have learned that it is just those type of life experiences that have been assets to my recovery. Each time I am presented with one and do not run and hide, I am stronger and better prepared for the next. And usually what I am thinking about myself is not what others are seeing. It helps me to try and see the situation from anothers perspective. How would I treat someone else if they came to me with this problem? Then I try to treat myself in that manner. That usually changes my reaction from hurt, sorrow, pain, and anger to one of compassion, understanding, patience and acceptance of me for who I am the good, bad, and ugly all rolled into one.

Merlot, please don't beat yourself up over this. I do not believe you would do that to someone else in the same situation. Put your arms around yourself, take time for self care (a hot bath, good book, and a relaxing tape sounds great). Take care, remember we care.

hope3 · 12-29-2007, 03:35 PM

We can't control what other people do,

only how we react to them.

What others think of you is thier

business, what you think of you is your

business, keep it simple Momma, love

hope3

12-18-2007, 04:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	The past is catching up to me again So, I get an email last night from a woman that I know slightly. She is living with a man that I had a relationship with shortly after I separated from my exH. It ended badly. Turns out that she's contacting me in order to let me know that she found compromising pictures of me with him on an Adult dating site that he belongs to. Thought that I should know. I immediately contacted him and told him to remove them ASAP or he'll be hearing from my attorney. He denied it, then when she checked later, they were gone. My point in sharing this? I'm embarrassed, enraged, disappointed in myself for trusting this..person (I use the term loosely) and not really sure how to let this one go. While we were together, he professed his love for me. I'm grateful to her that in her heartbreak she was kind enough to let me know. I know that I'm not that same person, but this is just hitting me right in the face. Other than telling me how stupid I was to leave the pictures in his possession (lesson learned) any thoughts out there?? Karen __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-18-2007, 05:09 PM	#2 (permalink)
CarolD Forward we go...side by side Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie Posts: 37,601	Good for you Karen....you took action to get them removed. Of course, that was the old you and the neew you stood up! I bet anyone going to an adult dating site is not who you now know. Blessings __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery! Last edited by CarolD; 12-18-2007 at 05:50 PM.

12-18-2007, 05:22 PM	#3 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	Carol, thank you. I needed some reinforcement..I am SO NOT THAT PERSON any longer! Karen __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-18-2007, 05:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 28,163	Karen, your point and Carol's are completley valid. That was the old you and this is now. I did things I would love to erase from my life, but I can't. All I can do is know that I will never do things like that again. The woman was good to let you know about this and it was great that you handled it. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

12-18-2007, 07:52 PM	#5 (permalink)
Fluttering Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About Posts: 3,473	Thanks for sharing that Karen I have often had to be reminded I am not the pderson I once was and it is a tremendous source of comfort and encouragement. what you shared tells more about his character and lack of principles. Today you can walk with your head high and with dignity. I for one am proud to be walking with you. __________________

12-19-2007, 04:08 AM	#6 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	Don't beat up on yourself, the past is gone and so is the old you. And you rock sis. __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

12-19-2007, 04:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	I"m praying for help to let this go.. Karen __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-19-2007, 07:07 AM	#8 (permalink)
*nandm* Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is Posts: 6,809	merlot, When I first saw your post, I was truly at a loss for a response. But after having some time to process it I realize that what stands out to me about your post are several things: Your strength---you were faced with a difficult situation and stood up for yourself. Your courage----the easy thing to do would be to run and hide. You did not do that. It also took courage to post here and seek solutions. Your wisdom---rather than choosing to let your anger control you, you chose to try and find a solution. You spoke to your ex and told him to take the picture down. Each of those qualities look great on you. Glad you are a part of SR. You are truly a blessing. Judith __________________ NOTE: All BB quotes are from the 1st Edition of the Big Book Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

12-19-2007, 07:33 AM	#9 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	That is not who you are it is just something that you did....there is a huge difference. That was something I learned the first time I worked the steps and had to put on paper all the horrible things I did while using, the lieing, cheating, stealing, adultury....all of it on paper in front of me. My amazing sponsor reminded me that those were things that happened, they are not who I am. What a gift that that woman called you and told you about it. That shows me that you are a good person today, good things come to good people. That was your HP working in your life today. Thank you for sharing with us and reminding us that we are not what we did. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

12-19-2007, 07:35 AM	#10 (permalink)
Elizabeth2007 Thankful for every sober day! Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Maryland Posts: 82	I agree with what everyone has said. I especially like the saying "that it is not WHO you are" Good for you for taking action and not being paralyzed by negative feelings. You should be proud of yourself for taking action and not allowing yourself to be a victim. I am sorry it happened, though, as I'm sure it was a very hurtful and embarassing situation. But focus on the fact you are strong and are not a victim, you are an overcomer !! __________________ Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. - Thomas Edison Sober since 4/30/07

12-19-2007, 04:24 PM	#11 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	Thank you my sisters...I wasn't sure about posting it, but I thought that maybe it would help..and it has! I love you guys. xo Karen __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-19-2007, 06:35 PM	#12 (permalink)
Digginit Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: usa Posts: 452	she found compromising pictures of me with him on an Adult dating site that he belongs to. I honestly don't see anything that you should be ashamed of. You were intimate with a man whom you were...well...intimate with. You trusted that what the two of you did privately were yours. He abused that trust. It's on HIM, not you. As far as I can see, there's nothing for you to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. He, however, has plenty. Peace~ linz __________________ -- There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts.

12-19-2007, 06:56 PM	#13 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	Linz, It just brought up many of the feelings that I felt at the time. He wasn't a good choice, but it took me a few months to get out of the relationship. It's not something that I would choose today. On a positive note, I've been talking to his gf who wrote me. She's trying to get out..she's an addict/alcoholic and I think that I've been helpful in sharing my recovery with her. So, maybe something good will come from this. God works in mysterious ways.. Karen __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-20-2007, 04:15 PM	#14 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	Ok, my sponsor says that I have to stop saying that I'M FINE. When I'm not. I have to admit this situation, though resolved, has thrown me into a tailspin of the blues. I'm sure that it being the holiday season isn't helping. I felt so very strong in my recovery, strong in my work on my fourth step, ready to battle my defects and get them the heck out there, felt good about so many things, all my blessings..but I can't shake this blechy feeling. I really want to get into the bathtub for a soak and cry for a bit, but I"m chairing the meeting tonight and have to go... :wtf2 __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-20-2007, 04:21 PM	#15 (permalink)
Digginit Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: usa Posts: 452	Maybe a good soak in the tub and a crying spell is due after the meeting. Or maybe that just right sentiment will be shared in the meeting that will give you a new perspective on it. Sounds like that relationship is one that you'd like to have not exist, but it does. This might be an important time for you....incorporating an event into your life that is painful, rather than burying it. A good friend threw that out there for me to chew on after I had discussed with him all the gory details of an unimaginable situation that I was in many years ago...that I had tried to wall off. It hadn't worked. But finding a way to incorporate it into who I am gave me a better perspective on it. Maybe I'm just babbling, but it's what comes to mind for me. Love~ dig __________________ -- There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts.

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12-20-2007, 04:25 PM	#16 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 2,138 Blog Entries: 36	gotcha Dig...thanks. __________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

12-20-2007, 04:28 PM	#17 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 28,163	Oh Karen, I think learning live with these kinds of feelings is a huge part of recovery. For years, long before I drank, I carefully avoided dealing with situations in my life. I just carried on and thought everything would be ok. And, it wasn't. I think you have to feel the feelings, cry or scream or somehow get it out, then move on. It's not easy, but knowing that you can't escape the feelings you have is a big step. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

12-20-2007, 04:31 PM	#18 (permalink)
*nandm* Life the gift of recovery! Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Home is where the heart is Posts: 6,809	Digginit gave some wonderful suggestions. What I have found is that when I am in the midst of the problem, especially if it is one that I want to kick myself over, I have trouble with wanting to just go hide till it goes away. Fortunately, I have learned that it is just those type of life experiences that have been assets to my recovery. Each time I am presented with one and do not run and hide, I am stronger and better prepared for the next. And usually what I am thinking about myself is not what others are seeing. It helps me to try and see the situation from anothers perspective. How would I treat someone else if they came to me with this problem? Then I try to treat myself in that manner. That usually changes my reaction from hurt, sorrow, pain, and anger to one of compassion, understanding, patience and acceptance of me for who I am the good, bad, and ugly all rolled into one. Merlot, please don't beat yourself up over this. I do not believe you would do that to someone else in the same situation. Put your arms around yourself, take time for self care (a hot bath, good book, and a relaxing tape sounds great). Take care, remember we care. __________________ NOTE: All BB quotes are from the 1st Edition of the Big Book Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being too strong for too long.

12-29-2007, 03:35 PM	#19 (permalink)
hope3 Hope3 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 2,150	We can't control what other people do, only how we react to them. What others think of you is thier business, what you think of you is your business, keep it simple Momma, love hope3 __________________ If I focus on the solutions, the problems won't seem impossible!