~New Here...Feeling kinda Scared!~

[ButterflyChaser]

Hi Everyone!
I've posted on the boards here a couple of times before, like 3 months ago, and I decided to come back, cause I've been reading ya'll's posts here, and I can relate soooo much to ya'll! I don't feel so alone. But my only problem is that I'm not totally sober, NOT YET! I know it sounds crazy & all, but I want to be so badly, and I know that if you really want something, then you'll do it! Right? It's just the "doing it", that's so hard!!! WHY?
I can at least say this much...I don't do drugs like I use to, in fact the less I do them, the worse I feel! I know I'm in a deppression, my BF is so $hitty to me, I mean, emotionally, he is NOT there for me, & I know this! I'm realizing now that I CAN"T FIX him! He is who he is! He never has anything nice to say about me, to me or for me or anything like that! (not that I need compliements, but it would be nice every once in a while! KWIM?)
I've been reading on the internet alot & what I've found out is that he fits the perfect profile of an "Emotional Abuser!"
Guess I must be so insecure with myself to be with him, cuz he's not even financially or physically there for me, either. But that's really not important to me, the emotional part in VERY important to me.
Anyway...enough about that! Sorry to whine & complain, I just have NO one else to talk to!
I'm going to be starting an outpatient program, (my own choice) I need something liek that in my life right now, I'd go into rehab, but I really can't, I'm a single Mom to my 5 yr old daughter, and she needs me! I just thank God everyday for blessing me with her & putting her into my life, because without my daughter, I don't know where I'd be today!!!!!!!
I've slowed down sooooo much in my life, and I believe God knew this!
So to say the least, she keeps me on my toes! lol

I'm really looking foward to meeting ya'll & meeting some sober people in my life! So, hey....this is a start for me! Thanks for reading this, and sorry if I've whined to much here, but I needed to vent just a little!!

[2stop]

{{{WELOCOME BUTTERFLY CHASER}}}

I am so glad you have found us! You just make yourself right at home and don't worry about whining or venting...we gotta do it now or then or.....Boom!! We'll explode!! I look forward to getting to getting to know you and I am sending a virtual
{{{{CUP O COFFEE}}}} How much cream and sugar?


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Paulie]

I would also like to welcome you!

You just made the first huge step, you checked yourself into an outpaitent program!! that is awesome!!! You will meet other people going throught the same struggle as you. We are here to and we are all just trying to stay sober one day at a time.

I am glad you came back and joined us, I too look forward to gettingto know you better.

As you get sober and learn about recovery you will also learn about why we put ourselves in emotionally abusie relationships, it really all fits together.

SR is a great place for friendship and support.

Hello!

I'm glad your back too! You just keep hanging in there.

Ask your Higher Power to keep you sober to day!

Tell your Higher Power that you are willing, that you
need your Higher Powers help!

Having a desire to quit is what it's all about.

Going to out patient is a great idea.

You keep up the good work.

Hey! And thank you for helping me stay sober today.

AthorityAngel

[Chy]

Welcome Butterfly!

Glad your back and seeking help for yourself! You already know what a great place this is for us to be. As moms it's even harder for us to seek out help I think sometimes. Our children depend on us and yet we sometimes are overwhelmed with that responsibility. It is great your making steps in the right direction and I pray you will find the strength everyday to remain sober.

Granted it is not easy, but anything really worth having can be sometimes difficult to achieve. It's the feeling of self worth, happiness and peace that are the rewards to seeking out help for ourselves.

I hope you will begin to gain the self-esteem necessary to kick the boyfriend to the curb if he is unwilling to be a positive force in your life. But for all of us we must deal with our relationships in our own way. I hope you find the power to do it so to make your own self worth something to be proud of, I know you can do this!

Glad you came back!

[ButterflyChaser]

Thanks ya'll for making me feel so welcomed here!!! Already I'm starting to feel a little at home!

[still anne]

thought this might help It was given to me as a chridtmas gift on my 2nd sober christmas by my oldest daughter. I didn't get sober untill she was 20 years old
My Name is Elina I am 22 years old and My Mom is an Alcoholic!

Introduction
My last assignment in my public speaking class was to pay tribute to someone special in my life. At first I decided on grandma because of all that she has done for me throughout my life. But after our talk over the phone I decided to pay tribute to you. I did this speech on Wednesday, December 15, 1998 in front of my teacher and my entire class. It was the best speech I had ever done because it came from the heart. I know how hard you’ve tried to make up for the past. I wanted you to have this speech because it expresses my feelings about you, both past and present. So read on Mom, this one’s for you. I love you .

My speech
There is a saying that goes “Anyone can have a child…..but not everyone can be a mother.” It was up until just recently that I truly believed and lived by those words. It was due to very personal and heartbreaking circumstances that made me believe that the word mother only meant the woman that gave birth to me.
I was 15 years old when my mother packed her things and left me, my 3 younger sisters and brother and my father, to move in with her boyfriend in the Bronx. I was forced to grow up very fast and assume the role of caretaker and support for my whole family. I rarely heard from my mother and when I did, it was only out of obligation and all she could talk about was her boyfriend and her new wonderful life.
I was a young scared teenage girl growing up without my mother’s support. I had no one to dry my tears or answer my questions. The deep hurt and utter resentment that I felt built walls around me so strong, it prevented me from having any sort of relationship with my mother.
In January of 1996, my mother was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which is cancer of the lymph nodes. She had surgery to remove a tumor the size of a football in her chest and several smaller tumors from her neck and back. She underwent intensive chemotherapy followed by radiation in order to insure complete remission from the cancer. During this time I tried so hard to be there for my mother, but it was mainly out of pity for her disease. I searched every inch of my soul to talk to her and forgive her. But my efforts were shunned, which only pushed me further away. While my mother was still recovering, her live in boyfriend overdosed on her pain killers and died in his sleep.
He left my mother in the Bronx all alone and away from my family. Again we all tried to help. We wanted her to move back to Queens so we could be closer to her. But her family was never her priority, so this time was no different from the rest.
My mother was alone, but there was nothing we could do. I believe that it was this loneliness that forced her to finally take control and responsibility for her life. She got a job in my uncle’s company in New Jersey. She worked hard at her position as a telemarketer, and in a very short time became supervisor of her department. Her efforts at work did not go un-noticed. She received several raises which enabled her to get her own apartment in New Jersey.
While living alone in New Jersey my mother began to overcome obstacles and insecurities we never knew she had. She began attending AA meetings for support with a long term drug and alcohol problem that no one knew about. Through her meetings she met her current boyfriend who is a supportive and wonderful man. These meetings also helped her deal with her feelings of worthlessness which drove her to the alcohol.
Recently my mother has been able to come to terms with what she did when I was younger and has consistently tried to repair the damage to our relationship. I have had many talks with my mother about why she left us. My mother explained that she did not love or believe in herself and therefore was unable to be there for anyone else. Through my own growth and maturity I am now able to listen to my mother and forgive her because I recognize what her hardships were and admire her accomplishments and attributes.
For the first time in my life I can honestly say I love her and understand what she went through. My mother finally loves and believes in herself. She is now able to be there to dry the tears of the little girl I was and the young woman I am today.
To me, she is now the true definition of the word mother. She exemplifies strength, courage, and the knowledge of a woman that has seen and been through more than enough for a lifetime. I have chosen to pay tribute to my mother with the hope that someday I will
Encompass the strength and self esteem she now has. She lived a hard life and at times she made my life hard, but she was always my mommy and I always loved her. How could I have been so blind for so long.

love & huggs

[1_day@_a_time]

Still Anne, {{W O W}} As I started to read the wonderful letter your daughter wrote, my eyes filled with tears. I some how had a pretty good idea what was coming. I quit drinking May 2001, a complete miracle. As I think back about the damage done to my children, I am always overwhelmed. It breaks my heart. My story pales in comparision to yours though. My children are still rather young, daughter 13, son, 9. I moved out April 2001 to give them their home back. My heart is still empty to this day. The stories I have heard in the fellowship are incredible. Oddly enough, they have so much in common, regardless of the details, or the end of the story. I am very grateful today for AA, the fellowship, and the 12 steps. It has changed my entire life. I have learned to let go, and let God better than ever before in my life, and it keeps getting better. I had religion, now I have spirituality. Many have said, the day will come when my children will realize what I have done to change, and will forgive me. My problem is the wait. God willing, I will never drink or use again (contingent upon my daily prayer, meditation and program) and that day will come. Thy will be done. You are blessed Anne, thanks for the great story.

Newcomers, this is just a taste of what this programs offers, do NOT quit before the miracle happens. My old way did not work, did yours? Living it, 1_day@_a_time...............T C