Welp

[Digginit]

I've been hesitant to talk about this at all, but I used coke the other day. I'm finding that just using a few little lines can set me back as if I'd been using for a week or a month or a year. I obviously work too much. I'm tired....too tired. Saturday night was my 5th day and night of working straight. Of course I can cat nap in there...and run to the store if I want to. Just have to be available all the time to cover the ER.

I came home Saturday night/Sunday morning. The guest bedroom light was on, so I went in there to turn it off. On the sofa was a friend's Altoid's box with three lines of coke in it. I threw it away, and fired off a "WTF?!!!" text to her.

A few hours later as I was leaving my house to go to PB to work there, the thought had been eating at me. I got the box out of the trash. Fixed the lines back up nice and neat, and used 'em. Has sent me back SOOOO far. It's a dark, scary, ugly place. Tomorrow I am finally off. No nights for a week...and 4 days off for Thanksgiving at that. Heading to the Buffalo River with my son. Gonna meet some friends. Taking the massage table. Gonna try to do better. Gonna DO better.

I know I have a bent towards depression. Winters are always bad. This is ugly. Just trying to put a good frame on it and know it will pass as I climb back out. Just didn't want to have to climb back out so soon. Maybe there's a lesson I haven't been getting that I need to realize. Who knows. That's all.

[indigo]

SAD or the winter blues affect many people have you thought of getting some 'daylight' bulbs? they can work wonders and if the depression lifts you will feel stronger and more able of not picking up JMO. Good luck

[zoomer]

Sorry you relaps,but glad you are talking about it. I have not used a street drug in almost 20 years,but because I am so tired by working and going to school the thoughts pop in my head every once in a while. I say to myself though that being tired is not going to kill me,but drugs will. You might also want to talk to your doctor about going on antidepressents if the winter is going to get to you. I was on antidepressents for years and just got of them,but i know I can go back if need be. I also go tanning to ward off the winter blues. Just a few mintues a week gives me the lift I need. Take cat naps if you need to. Yesterday I was soooooo tired after being up all night with the books that I had to take 4 little cat naps all day. Just 10 minutes will get soem of the cob webs out of your head. When I'm that tired, I have to break things down and see what is most important in my day. Work is important,but house work can wait and usally does LOL.

[Anna]

Digginit,

Ya know, I think what you're dealing with is facing the changes we need to make in early sobriety. You don't need friends in your house who are bringing coke with them. I couldn't be around alcohol at all when I was newly sober. It's all about learning and growing.

[Digginit]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Digginit,
You don't need friends in your house who are bringing coke with them.

Thanks. Isn't that the truth.

This is a *friend* whom I actually had kicked out. Told her not to come back over. I couldn't be around her. Her response to me was that she would bring me some of my "favorite" (i.e. coke). That was her attempt to get me back into her circle. She left an 8-ball in my mailbox. I threw it away. She wasn't supposed to be in my house on Saturday, but she obviously came in.

It's a kind of difficult situation. We work together too. She was recently suspended from work, and is back today. I was nervous as all get-out coming to work this morning, knowing I'd have no choice but to be around her. So I'm trying to figure this out in my mind...how to keep my distance and be firm with her that she's not welcome at my house, and that we're not running buddies anymore.

I think I also have to not let myself work like I have the past week. That's too many nights of no sleep. That level of exhaustion certainly didn't help me to remain vigilant about recovery.

I don't know. Thanks to all y'all for your input.

Peace~
dig

[Digginit]

Just have to say that this holiday will go down in my mind with a few extra hash marks. Went crazy, enjoyed friends, leaned on others a thousand miles away, helped another pick up her own pieces (like I had any clue on THAT one), played mom and friend and singing buddy. Was left with some flesh wounds that I'm hopeful won't be permanent. Made it home in one piece. Called a good friend, who's also a doc in recovery, to make an appointment with him, because it's prob'ly better to have a little oversight at this point. Despite all that happened, neither my son nor our friends whom we shared the weekend with had a clue. Ain't it the biggest juggling act you've ever known...???

[Paulie]

Ain't it the biggest juggling act you've ever known...???

Alot of pressure to put on yourself. Me, I dont like to juggle anymore.