Cravings

[Digginit]

They're not as frequent as they were. Last time I quit, they eventually were so infrequent that I could almost have said they weren't even there. Life seemed pretty much normal.

Going through this process again, cravings are becoming less frequent. The disturbing thing is that when I craved in the past, it was the rush, the taste of it trickling down my throat....those things. Now when I crave...and this is kind of embarrassing...it's an overdose that I think about.

I'm not suicidal or wanting to harm myself, but these thoughts that creep in are of wanting to be hit hard enough to be completely overwhelmed. Crazy, isn't it. Not planning on following through with anything like that. And in fact, I'm actually enjoying my life for the most part. It's just the annoying thought that pops into my mind from time-to-time. Thought I'd share. Ugh

[51anna]

It's interesting to hear this. I would say it might be the desire that we addicts feel to just escape. But, being aware that this is your addict voice talking to you is a huge step toward recovery. You can hear it, ignore it and move on!

[Digginit]

Originally Posted by 51anna

You can hear it, ignore it and move on!

There's definitely some beauty in that, isn't there. The ability to make an actual CHOICE. Can't pretend it doesn't scare the bujeez out of me, though. It does.

Peace~
dig

[Paulie]

The ability to make an actual CHOICE.

....I love that word CHOICE...today I have one!!!

Keep talking, words take the power out of it!

[indigo]

I have to agree we do have choices and to make the choice not to pick up is a gift, not to be squandered as I found in my early days when I was wasting my life...now I am free, I never get complacent, I am blessed.

[Digginit]

In the past, I knew there was a choice to use or not use. I chose "not use" for several years, but I knew that if I *did* use....well, I knew the way out. I had learned where meetings were, and I had a good network of friends that I knew were true.

Today, I still know there's a choice, but I've historically not been able to keep on making the right choice for any real length of time. Now, even choosing "not use" for today, I'm feeling kind of defeated. I don't see me making the right choice for any length of time. I'm 41 years old, and I've never gone all that long without giving in. Never before have I been up against a demon quite like this. I've had suicidal moments when I was depressed. I knew they'd be short-lived. I've overdosed before, a couple of times, impulsively. Never told anyone about it until I knew I'd live. But those overdoses have not been with an intent to harm myself, but just compulsive drug use....impulsive overdose.

I'm feeling a bit defeated because I'm quite confident that if I choose to use again, it's not gonna be a small, discrete moment. I'm gonna do it BIG. There's nothing in me that *wants* that, but it's where the impulse seems to be taking me lately. Maybe that'll wane, but I've never seen anything about this "wane."

Maybe this is where prayer comes in? Giving it to something bigger than me???? It's a bit of a predicament. Choice. That's what I'm doing...reminding myself that today I can choose. Gratitude list. I'm grateful that I have tools. I'm grateful that even when things seem monstrous, it comes down to something as simple as what choice I make for today, and trying like the devil to not think of tomorrow. Today the thought has been sitting there, eating at me....as if that weren't obvious...lol. But today, so far, I've not given in to these thoughts that are screwing with my head.

linz