Zoomer

[Paulie]

With all you are going through my friend, I want to keep in touch with you as much as possible.

We are here and we care!!!!!
Hope things are well and your mom is comfortable!!! You are in my prayers!

[liveweyerd]

MIne, too, Zoomer,
hugs, love and..as you would say KISS KISS!!!

[C.zoomer]

Hey you guys kiss kiss LOL! GG I'm beat! It's the end of a long battle,but dam my mom is strong and she is still here. I had a priest come yesterday to give her her last rights. It was all so strange because the nurse called my brother and said the priest was on his way, then we waited nd waited. I called the priest on his cell phone only to be told that his service was unavalible. Then he called hours later and the priest was waiting for my phone call. I told him what had happened,but he said his phone never did that efore. Anywho, very strange,but he got here and bless him, he talked about healing instead of dying to my mother so she would not be afraid. My twin staid the night and sat up all night with my mother and my mother is taking in some coffee and water and a little instant breakfast. Her poor lungs are getting filled with fluid and she has the death rattle when she breaths. It's amazing though because she is out of it and then when I talk she responds. I'm glad the priest wash away her sins and she can go to heaven free and pure. Ha, I forgave her,but I don't think she forgave herself,but it is OK now. It's hard to watch my mother die and hear her struggle for each breath. I have to disingage myself because if I there I only breath when she breath and thats like every 40 seconds. It's almost like I'm being sucked in to her rythem if ya know what I mean. It's all so wierd and maybe this is all physclogical,but I feel her spirit move in me and it's almost like I'm sharing my body with her. It's been that way for a long time. It's probibly all from stress on my part and we all know what a good imajionation I have,but If it's real I want my body and mind back. Iv shared it for too many years with her. It's almost like I lived for the both of us and I can't do it any more. It's all in the mind I'm sure,but I just want to go home to my husband and my kids and get on with my life. After she dies maybe then I will have peace. I love her greatly,but I want to go home.

[phoenix]

((((((((Zoomer)))))))))

It's so hard for me to read your posts because it is so much like what I went through when my son's father was dying.But I do want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Wishing you love and peace,

phoenix

[Paulie]

((zoom)) kiss kiss to you too!

I have no words except that I think what you are doing is wonderful being there with your mom during her last days. From the conversations we had about your mom, I think you would have regretted not being there with her. i know you want to go home, and you will soon.

God Bless! Friends

[C.zoomer]

Hey ya guys, your words mean so much thank you. Pauly P, ya know you keep saying I would have regreted not being here and maybe I will in time be greatful,but lord this is hard and right about noe I'd rather be anyplace but here. It's horrible the suffering and gross stuff that death intails. I'm doing nice things ofcourse and my brothers are too, but my mom's body is not! I love you P and I hope that you never have to go though this!
Love Zoomer

Zoomer,

What you are doing must be terribly difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Death is not something I deal with well. You are showing so much courage it's unbelievable.

Sending you lots of hugs,

MG

[Paulie]

Zoomer -

When my dad was ill, dying with cancer I was only 17 and the last few months when he got really bad, he was at home, I stayed as far away from him as I could. That was the biggest mistake of my life, my biggest regret. I was only a kid of 17 adn I was scared as hell.

I guess I have been in some way trying to make up my regrets through you and I apologize for that.
God Bless you my friend. What you are doing is courageous.

(((zoomer)))

[C.zoomer]

Hey ya P and MG. Thanks again for your kind words. My brothers are reading this too and it helps them to know that we are known and people share are sorrow. Anyway P crackers please do not have regreats of your Dad. GG girlfriend you were only 17 and a child,you cannot be held responcible for doing what is so natural to a kid so young so stop beating yourself up after all these years! P I have no regrets nor would have because I have do everything in my power through out my life to protect my mother. I am and was aloud to feel anger and pain in what I went through growing up and still as an adult and having my mother control the stiuations that really needed outside help. Also too P I did not give my mother the cancer,nor am resoncible for her dying and death. I'm glad i came out to help and to help guide the way for my mother to go to heaven,but I was also always there for my mother even when I was not in body. There is a poem about how it states "I am here although you know it not". I always beleve that you can love someone just the same if you are holding their hand or if your miles away. Also there is another poem that says "I could not stop for death,but it kindly stopped for me" and that is my mom. She was not going to lay down and die, she wanted to run away from death and into life and that my friend is the way it shold be for some whether they are the ones who are dying or who are the love ones left behind.. When I was a kid and the police came and the paster to telll our family my father was dead,they did not have to say any words to me becuse I already knew. I said OMG my daddy is death and I ran ran ran as fast as i could through the woods to try and out run my pain. It helped because only when I was far away from everyone and by myself I could cry. Then I settled myself down and came back to my house and became the back bone to stay strong for my little sisters and twin and my St mother and other family memembers who had conflicts though out the years concerning my father. I was only 14,but I accepted that role in which maybe God had planned for me all along. Now P God only gives us what we can handle and maybe at that time when you were 17 God knew you cold not handle things and let you find peace in your own way. Stop condeming yourself OK. So what if ya got high during that time. It was just a coping toole at the time and did not cause any death or neglect with your dad. Thats Where I and the program have a problem because sometimes it accidently makes a person take more of the blame than they should. Your my buddy P and I hope that I can give you comfort as much as you have given me.
Love Zoomer

[Paulie]

zoomer -

you made me cry!!! you are so sweet to comfort me when you are going through so much. Everything you said is so true. I have let go of the guilt of not being there for my dad cause I was just a kid and scared to death. but the regret of not spending those last months with him makes me sad. I am happy that you are spending these last months with your mom (even though I cannot imagine how hard it must be).

You are so strong and I admire that more than you know.

You are my buddy too zoom, together we can get through this and stay sober, one day at a time.

[C.zoomer]

Hey ya P, my mom passed finally! It was so hard she woke up at the end and cried out in pain. I comforted her and sang her a lulabye and she relaex and then my brother held her hand as she took her last breaths. I'm going home soon to be with my famly. Kiss kiss.
Love Christie

[Paulie]

(((Christie)))

I am so sorry, there are no words to express it. Know she is out of pain now. And I am sure having you with her these last weeks made her so happy.

Remember we love you!!!!

[phoenix]

(((((((((((((Zoomer))))))))))))))

I know the pain and the relief that comes at times like this.Remember we are here for you...I just wish I could hug you in person.Take good care of yourself.

phoenix

[Stephanie]

(((((((Zoomer))))))))

God bless you for all you've done. You really are so wonderful and will, in time, feel so good that you were able to be present, available, and sober for your mom when it really counted. We're all here for you and waiting for you to get back home.

Stephanie

[Ann]

Zoomer

You are one awesome, remarkable woman and I know your mom is proud of you. You know I believe in angels, and I believe your mom will always watch over you.

God Bless you for all you have gone through and for being such a strong lady.

[Chy]

Zoomer,

I hope you'll find peace knowing Mom is home with our Lord. God Bless you and your family as you go through this difficult time. You have awesome courage, my prayers too, are with you and yours this evening.

*hugs*

[C.zoomer]

Hey you guys thanks so much. I'm very greatful to have you all. We still have a few things to do,but I'm ready to go home. Kiss, kiss and I'll kee you updated.
Love Zoomer

[bikerprincess]

Wow...You have been remarkable!!

God Bless you honey.
Anne

[margo]

((((((((((Zoomer)))))))))) Sending you so many hugs and much love - I'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been very comforting for your mom to have you there for her at the end - you are very brave.

I'm sure you are now longing to go home, and I hope it won't be too long before you are there.

God Bless, Zoomer - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[journeygal]

(((((Christie))))))

This entire thread just made me cry and I'm so impressed and awed by your strength and courage. Thank God your mom is in a better place and no longer in pain. I'm sure your family will be glad to have you back home. They're very lucky to have such a strong lady in their lives.

Take care and lots of hugs,
JG

Zoomer,

Sending you my love. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so glad you get to go home now. I bet the kids will be excited too.

Love and hugs,
MG

[C.zoomer]

I sit here crying for no reason at all and then again for every reason. I cannot help but think that this was a quest for all my family. I have wrote so much about my past and went bonkers in this board trying to sort out my memories and what really happened in my life. In a way I was the memory keeper and now my brothers where able know what they went through as children really happened and why they are like they are. In this journey I was also the memory maker and my brothers will have beautiful memories of my mother's last days (after we get over the shock of the horrible effects of what the body does when it is dying). I do have two brothers that were not here. One was adopted out as a child and God bless him I hope he exscaped the torcher of our family,so he will never know and one brother bless him did not have to go through the horror,but in a way he lost out of the beauty of being connectted in such a specail time. Trust me when I say I was very glad that my two brothers were here. I was very frightened! Now one chapter is closed and I do hope my brothers and I can be close once again. I still have the alful memories of that one horrible time,but we were just kids in a crazy life. God bless the children we once were and may my mom carry our pain to heaven with her so we can go on to live a happier life together. I'm so happy the priest came and washed away my mother's sins and made her pure to God. It sounds stupid and strange but I believe my mother was used by a force that was not good and also a force that was good too. God at the end protectd her children and deep down inside that is what my mother wanted was to keep us safe even from herself. Poor thing, I sure wish they had prozac back then. They gave my mother speed when she was a youg mother to help her because she was tired all the time. Maybe that is why I am zoomer LOL!!!
I'm crazy and tired and cannot wait to get home to my family. I still hate New York and wish to live here,but who knows! I have a whle life ahead of me.
Love Zoomer

[DolphinBlue]

(((((((Zoomer)))))))

I'm praying for you and your family to find peace. You're one awesome woman.

I hope you have a good rest at home.

Amy

[Josie]

(((((ZOOMER))))))

I am so glad you could be with her.

Sending prayers to your family.

Hugs,

[C.zoomer]

Hey guys,thank you for your thoughts. Amy, I will never find peace LOL!!! But I did get a good night's sleep and feel much better! Ha, I think I will have my little break downs now and then and write stupid stuff. I'm just thinking out loud that is all. Ha, I never could keep my mouth shut and think in peace. I think though that my brothers and I have found more peace than we have had in years and for sure my mother now has peace. Just for today all is right with the world and the other worlds too.
Love Zoomer