Parenting

[Digginit]

How can a person expect to be a good parent when she hasn't even taken good care of herself? How can she expect her child to show her respect when she has behaved in ways that are less than respectable?

I'm not hungry. I'm not angry. I'm not lonely. But I am tired.

Today I came home from work to find the trash strewn all over the kitchen. The dog did it. The thing is, though, that my child and his babysitter both knew it was there and knew I'd come home to it. This isn't the first time we've encountered the same problem. I ask them to pick up after themselves. They don't. I've suggested in the past that when the dog knocks over the trash that they might clean it up. They don't.

I've been on call for the past 3 nights in a row. I'm on every day too....and for the next 3 days and nights. I'm tired. Today when I came home to that, I'm surprised that I wasn't angry. In the past I would have gone ballistic. Today I just had that horrible sinking feeling, realizing that the kids have no more respect for me than....well, probably what I've deserved.

Just because I've made changes and am doing better....well, I can't expect them to adapt so quickly, I don't suppose. Today we had a talk, though. I suggested to the kids (my son and the babysitter) in front of the babysitter's mom that in the future they clean up after themselves and NEVER let me walk into a mess like that again. I told them that my expectation is that if they have no more respect for me than they have shown today that they fake it and NEVER let me walk into a mess like that again. I let my son know that he will have chores from now on. (I've never made him do anything around the house, but he's 10. No reason I should pay someone to clean my house, imho.)

Anyway, it really hurts my heart to see what I've let happen. Can't blame a kid for his own raising, I don't guess. That's all. But I guess it's better to *feel* something other than anger. Maybe there's a bright spot in all of this.

Peace~
dig

[Anna]

Hi Dig,

I sure do remember that feeling. I remember talking to my daughter on the phone one day after school. I asked her to please take the towels out of the dryer and fold them. When I got them, very damp towels were haphazardly folded on the dryer and I just burst into tears. But, I was like you were. I had no self-esteem and my children didn't respect me. How could they? But, this can change if you can just hang on. You can earn it back by showing them you respect yourself. I know it hurts, I've been there, but it can get better.

[indigo]

Yes show them that you're strong now and expect them to certain things and that you expect them to do it, you are the adult, they may huff and puff until they relize you mean business! Good luck, and please keep posting.

[nandm]

Sorry this is so long.

My experience with my children is quite similiar to what you are going through. I want to address your post first with some excerpts from the Big Book that were useful for me to keep in mind during this trying time.

Originally Posted by Digginit

How can a person expect to be a good parent when she hasn't even taken good care of herself? How can she expect her child to show her respect when she has behaved in ways that are less than respectable?.....I'm not hungry. I'm not angry. I'm not lonely. But I am tired. .... In the past I would have gone ballistic. Today I just had that horrible sinking feeling, realizing that the kids have no more respect for me than....well, probably what I've deserved. ......Just because I've made changes and am doing better....well, I can't expect them to adapt so quickly, I don't suppose.
Anyway, it really hurts my heart to see what I've let happen. Can't blame a kid for his own raising, I don't guess. That's all. But I guess it's better to *feel* something other than anger. Maybe there's a bright spot in all of this.

Some thoughts from the Big Book on this page 122,

Cesssation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, "Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will nt be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle. There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths down which thye may wander and lose their way.
Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a family will meet; suppose we suggest how they may be avoided---even converted to good use for others. The family of an alcoholic longs for the return of happiness and security......
........Sometimes thy demand that dad bring them back instantly. God, they believe, almost owes this recompense on a long over due account.....It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete.
page 126
.......He is straining every nerve to make up for lost time. He is striving to recover fortune and reputation and feels he is doing very well.
Sometimes mother and chidren don't think so. Having been neglected and misused in the past, they think father owes them more than they are getting. They want him to make a full over them. They expect him to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much, and to show his contrition for what they suffered. But dad doesn't give freely of himself. Resentment grows. He becomes still less communicative. Sometimes he explodes over a trifle. The family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out how he is falling down on his spiritual program.
........Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcholism must remember he did much to make them so.
page 134
The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children. Their young minds were impressionable while he was drinking. Without saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he has done to them..... The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang on for months......
In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it........From that point on, progress with be rapid. Marvelous results often follow the reunion.
........Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.

When I first started in sobriety, my children were ages 13, 15, and 5. I had always thought I had a good relationship with my children prior to getting sober. They did what they were told (looking back it was because they had the fear of my wrath in them). Once I started on the path to sobriety I let my 5 year old go live with her dad. I had an accident that left me in a wheelchair basically unable to care for myself well let alone her. My 13 and 15 year olds then started drinking, drugging, bringing dealers in my home, would not pick up after themselves, would not lift a finger in the home, started refusing to go to school, and stealing. My oldest started cutting on herself. It seemed we spent our time together in a constant battle over these issues. I finally threatened them with if they did not change I would send them to live with their father. I gave them 3 chances and then followed through. My oldest daughter did not speak to me for a year. They went through some horrible things during that time. They got into prostitution and meth among other things. Eventually, when their father went to Iraq they wound up with his mother. It took a lot of work to mend the hurt that I had caused them.

I finally realized that the hurt and rebellion they were experiencing was because when I drank they felt like I chose alcohol over them and then once I quit drinking their hopes got up that I would choose them but, I started working on my sobriety. So in their eyes I abandoned them once again only this time to A.A. Their hurt came out sideways. It took several years of sobriety to show them change had occurred and that I was a better mother sober than I was ever able to be drunk.

Today we have a good relationship. They come to me with their problems, hopes, and dreams. They know they can count on me to be there for them and only want them to be happy in life. My oldest, wound up coming to live with me about 3 years ago. She subsequently had held down a job for over 3 years, got her nursing assistant certificate, moved into her own apartment, and is doing quite well. Although she recently moved back in as her roomate moved out and she needed to save some money until she finds a more affordable apartment. My middle daughter got her GED, is in vet tech school, and plans on coming to live here when she gets done with school. It took my working on my sobriety and being living proof that I had changed and wanted them in my life for things to get better. In the meantime, there were times when I was angry, hurt, frightened, and my heart ached for them.

Trust in the process, as God will do for us what we can not do for ourselves.

[Digginit]

I don't even begin to know what to say to that...but thank you. Jeez. As you work through this thing a bit, the reality hits you...or me....over and over again, but always in new ways. I so appreciate the time you took for that post. I'm quite certain that it's one I'll read over and over again. I've never considered that my family has suffered because of me, until this weekend. I guess those are some pretty high-performance blinders....

Peace~
linz

[nandm]

One thing I was told that helped me greatly when I was dealing with my children and the problems my alcoholism had created is "My children's problems may be of my own making but their solutions have to be of their own making." It helped me remember I can not fix another person no matter how much I love them. I can not even fix myself so what in the world ever led me to think I could fix someone else? Trusting in the process, continuing to love my children despite themselves, and trusting in my HP got me through the difficult times. I know you can get through these times to.

[Digginit]

It's hard for me to think of me creating a problem and then having no role in the solution. I've screwed up horribly. There are times when I wish his father were any better...then I could just vanish and leave them to fix my mess. As it is, I do feel responsible to make it right as far as my son is concerned. Maybe it's not possible. Maybe just staying alive through his childhood years is the best I can do....or maybe that's the worst thing I can do for him....I just don't know. But his welfare is MINE to manage until he's grown, imho.

Peace~
linz

[nandm]

Originally Posted by Digginit

It's hard for me to think of me creating a problem and then having no role in the solution. I've screwed up horribly. There are times when I wish his father were any better...then I could just vanish and leave them to fix my mess. As it is, I do feel responsible to make it right as far as my son is concerned. Maybe it's not possible. Maybe just staying alive through his childhood years is the best I can do....or maybe that's the worst thing I can do for him....I just don't know. But his welfare is MINE to manage until he's grown, imho.

Peace~
linz

You are absolutely correct that his welfare is your responsibility until he is grown. I do also agree that one of the things you can do to help your child with the problems that your drinking and/or drugging created is to work on your sobriety and becoming the best you can be today. That in the long run will do more than anything you could possibly say today to him.

I think that my intent was not clear in my post, I appoligize. Sometimes it is difficult to express what one is trying to say via a discussion board. What I interpreted from what was told to me is I created problems for my children but I can not control them or their choices. I can guide them but they ultimately are responsible for the choices they make. That includes finding the solutions that are right for them. What I have found is that I am no longer the director of the show and when I step back and let my HP be in control ultimately things work out better than if I had tried to control it.

Parenting is a hard enough job without the problem of addiction thrown in. Fortunately, many children do recover well from their parents addictions and wind up stronger better people in the long run. I hope your child is one of those children.

Judith

[indigo]

Great posts Judith thanks.

[Digginit]

Originally Posted by indigo

Great posts Judith thanks.

ditto that

[Engawa]

It might help for your child to have a positive place (therapy? alateen?) to vent his anger, which he is sure to have pent up. That being said, nearly ALL boys, babysitters, and dogs are slobs, so, while your child should talk to someone about his anger issues, try not to get to down-in-the-dumps over the garbage incident. It sounds like you handled it well by giving them a talking too. Remind the babysitter that she's being paid and that next time you come home to a mess, the time you spend cleaning it up is coming out of her paycheck. That might change her attitude.