I am scared today

[2stop]

Today I am so scared. Every feeling that there is is whoopin my butt, I am craving so bad I am in tears. I still feel some glimmer of hope but I am so scared I will find some pills and just surrender to them. I don't want to but yet I do......Oh man I am just so tired and scared today sometimes I wonder if I have gotten way in over my head with this sober stuff but at the same time I still believe that life without the drugs will have to better than this, I guess I am just torn, feeling ambivalent. I know what the "right" thing to do is...yet these feelings are just laying me out on my face. Any encouragement will be appreciated and sorry to dump on ya'll today..but I am feeling really really bad.

Hugz,
Tammie

[Paulie]

Dump away my friend and don't apologize for it.

Listen, stop and take a breath. your disease is angry because you have not fed it, hit your knees and ask your HP for relief. I know you have faith in God, you post about it all the time, use that faith today.

You can do this, you have come so far already. we are right there with you. Being scared in normal. And what you are feeling right now is normal, your disease is talking to you, don't listen. Grap a notebook and write, write what you are feeling, write how you feel about your disease.

a sponsee called me a few days ago and said she wanted to use. I told her to write down how she will feel tomorrow if she uses today and how she will feel tomorrow if she does not use today. It helped her, give it a shot.

you can do this Tammie I know you can!!!!

[loverlymama]

Hang in there Tammie! You can do this...

You have been such an inspiration to me, and many others here. Like you've told me, just try to make it through today. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. Sorry I don't have great words of wisdom for you, I just wanted you to know that I'm here and thinking of you.

Many hugs,
Loverlymama

[2stop]

I feel like I just walked into a hurricane, I know it's the disease talking to me, I read some posts today about how pills are affecting someone, and I felt such repulsion for the pills and at the same time I wanted so bad to take some pills and stop this mental terror, I used to use meth to help getting off the pills, and then I thought today wouldn't it be nice to do some speed and feel so invincible....I know better, I really do, and I do have faith in God, I just am so tired today I want to crawl off the face of the earth. I keep telling myself this too shall pass and just hang on to my faith. I hate drugs so much but they love me I guess..in a bad way of course. I have never dealt with my feelings sober for 20 years so I need to give it some time, I know...I just get scared. Thank you so much for the encouragement Pauline and Sara.. I am very luck to have ya all.

Hugz,
Tammie

[Paulie]

(((Tammie)))

You can get through this, I know you can. Just take it slow today, one hour at a time.

Hit your knees and ask for relief from the obsession.

[loverlymama]

I can hear the panic in your "voice" Tammie. I think Pauline's advice is great. Write down how using today will make you feel tomorrow. Take some deep breaths. Try to do something to take your mind off of it. Take a long hot shower.

I'm not sure how much help I can be and I know I am not much of an inspiration considering I couldn't do what you are doing (staying clean) but I want to you to know you are being heard loud and clear and you have support here on this board.

Please know that you and your words are affecting others in such a positive way. You are a beautiful woman, Tammie. Hang in there. This too shall pass...

Hugs,
Loverlymama

[LettingGo]

Tammy my friend,

Hang on! That is an order! I know how you feel. Luv them pills myself. I think that writing is a good way to get this out. Or maybe busy yourself like go run, or kick box, or mow a lawn anyone's lawn! Pray! Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, for hells sake beat this craving today! Can you hear me cuz I am cyber yelling at you! In a loving way of course I want updates all day long Tammy or I am sending in the troops for you. Your sobriety helps me hang on, remember that.

Hugs,
LG

[2stop]

Thanks Pauline and Sara...I WILL fight this but man am I angry with myself today..I don't want to be a hypocrite ya know? So help me God I won't surrender to these cravings and I will go forward in my recovery, I really really want to help others through this..I HATE DRUGS!!!! They take so many beautiful lives..and all lives are beautiful to me, it just tears me up to read posts where people are suffering so bad from drugs and alcohol. We just have to fight the good fight and leave the rest up to God. I have been doing alot of writing. I've been trying to write some screenplays and I think I'll start one about addiction...a true pschological thriller and horror genre. Ya all take care of yourself today.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Paulie]

That is a GREAT idea Tammie - I got into writing when I was in rehab!! write what ever you want a screenplay, whatever, just get it out of you!!!

You are so loving and caring and helpful. Since the minute you joined SR you have helped and inspired so many people, we need you!! Don't let go, squeeze our hands tight, we are holding on to you!!!

[2stop]

LettingGo, you hang on too, girl, I'm fixin to open a big ole can of whoop a** on these cravings!!! I've been reading my NA book, I keep repeating Just for today, I never have to use again! Hoo-ah! I just gotta keep fighting. I know what awaits me if I start using again..I'm as good as dead within a living hell. We gotta keep on keepin on troops!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Paulie]

I know what awaits me if I start using again..I'm as good as dead within a living hell.

Yep - keep telling yourself that. And keep reading your book!!!

I am sending you huge hugs...now go make me a cup of that great coffee!!!!

[2stop]

{{{HUGS}}} right back at ya! ....{{{COFFEE}}} is now being served!!!

Hugz,
Tammie

[Juls]

Hi 2stop,

I don't know if this will be helpful for you, but I would like to relate to you a little of my experience. I never got into meth, although I did try it a few times. My drug was pain pills. I remember when I first started trying to get sober I was terrified. I'd been doing them for a couple of years, and my life was so centered on getting them, how to get them, getting the money to get them, (you know how that goes). I had no clue as to what I was going to do with myself and my time. Also I didn't feel very good for a pretty good while, which was a very strong trigger for me. I didn't have any energy, I was irritable alot of the time, and just plain scared.

When the cravings would come, which was most of the time, for me they were very intense. My mouth would be watering and I couldn't think about anything else. I would go to meetings and that would help for that hour, but many times I came out of a meeting wanting to use even more because I'd listen to people talk abuout how they had abused drugs for years and years. I was a newbie compared to most. So i would think, "Well, I don't really have to quit now, I could go on for awhile longer and then quit." So for awhile I would quit and then go back to using. But each time quitting got harder and harder and I would feel sicker and sicker each time. I went through detox twice and a 30 day treatment once. It wasn't bad, but at the time I wasn't ready to hear much about recovery, and the best thing about detox is that I wouldn't be sick from withdrawals. All the other times I would just detox at home on my home, feeling like I was going to die. After detoxing twice in a clinic at a cost to my husband I was just too ashamed to admit to my husband that I couldn't stop using.

Fortunately for me, the times periods between using cycles became longer and longer, until finally a little over a year ago I just didn't start up again. However I do wish that I'd just really rode it out and stayed clean the first time. It would have saved me going through alot of bad things, as well as risking my health by detoxing on my own.

One thing I found out when I finally did stop using was that in order to take my mind off the cravings and the fear I had to be doing something. Since I wasn't feeling well I had to keep things pretty simple. I couldn't throw myself into a frenzy of cleaning my house because I wasn't physically up to it. I'm lucky to have a hobby I enjoy whick is art, so I would work on my art. It helped me take my mind off things and get my creativity back. I wasn't working then, so one day a week I would volunteer. I helped an elderly lady with her shopping and errands and did some lite housework for her.

The main thing is it just takes time. Still now when I get frustrated or mad with things, alot of times the first thought that comes to my mind is "I wish I had some pills." It was my way of coping with everything in my life.

Also, "knowing the right thing to do," doesn't make it any easier to "do the right thing."

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope my story has been helpful to you in some small way.

Juls

[2stop]

Juls, Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I can relate to everything you said..the early meetings, too ashamed to tell your husband again, etc. Sometimes I feel I have gone too far..ya know what I mean? I have used those damned litle pills since about ten and somedays I too feel that is all I knwo, that is all I can do to relieve the terror. But at the same time I have a little glimmer of hope deep within me that says I can beat this this time. I'm going to try like hell anyways!! I hope you are doing okay today...and I really do apprecite you sharing with me..it reminds me that I am not alone and that I can make it. God bless you, Jul.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Juls]

Tammi,

I know you can make it, because I am making it. Have faith in yourself. If you ever want to chat or I can be of help please pm me anytime.

Juls

[2stop]

Thank you so much Jul..you are a {{JEWEL}}!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[2stop]

LettingGo, How are you doing??!! Don't send the troops..I called on my angels..and they were there!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[LettingGo]

Aaaahh.......... sigh of relief. Just back from a meeting and feelin good! I was just getting back on to check on ya! No troops?????? Ok but you just let me know! Are you going to get to a meeting today? I think I am going to another one tonight if I can get a sitter!

I have my eye on you!
Hugs
LG

[2stop]

I am so glad you're feeling good after the meeting! hoo-ah!! Now I am trying to get myself out the door, gotta go to the store....I've put it off all week....I'm breathing, but I so HATE these panic attacks. Okay, I'm gonna go finish doing my hair. See ya later!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[DolphinBlue]

Tammie,

I'm so glad you came here and asked for help! We care about you and you're such a great presence on this site. You've been an inspiration to me more times than I can count.

Its normal to have cravings and want to give in. I know its scary, but you're not alone. I hope you got yourself out and about, I have problems with leaving the house myself at times. Its all about gentle practice for me.

Your idea for a screenplay is a really interesting one.

Amy

[2stop]

Why thank you Dolphin! I am really feeling much better now. You all are so wonderful it brings me to tears...good tears, though. I have a book I've been reading this afternon, I've been reading it for years, it's called REAL MAGIC by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer. If you get a chance check it out. It is so amazing. There's another one by him called YOUR SACRED SELF. Two of the most powerful books I have ever read. I believe in miracles, big, little, everday, all-around miracles and these two books really express for me how I want to live my life. Every life is a miracle and we all are capable of experiencing and making them reality. I hope you are doing well today and I appreciate you being a part of my recovery, but more importantly..a part of my life.


Many {{HUGS}} and {{HOPE}} too,


Tammie

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((((2stop)))))

Love in spirit
Sky

[2stop]

Don't you worry, Sky, I am back in the saddle and I am riding again. Opened me a big ole can of whoopa** on them cravings and them thoughts that were wanting to destroy me. I AM NOT GOING BACK to using, losing and dying, no sirree!!!

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[DolphinBlue]

Tammie,

you're awesome! Thank you for your kind words, I'm feeling much better. You have a wonderful energy and spirit that shows even on a computer screen!

I like the sound of those books. I have a little book about miracles by Stuart Wilde which I recommend reading if you can.

Hope you have a nice day and great weekend!

Hugs,
Amy

[2stop]

Thank you Amy! I'm going to look up that Stuart Wilde book. I love to read books about miracles. Wouldn't it be grand if daily conversations about miracles were commonplace and not seen as abnormal, or scientifically unfounded? Instead of all the trouble in the world and morning news shows full of stories of suffering and starvation and greed we all embraced the beautiful side of life and started fighting for what we are for? not what we are against? I firmly believe that fighting against something only weakens us...yesterday, I wanted to kick butt to those cravings..I was MAD!! But when I became quiet in my thoughts and I said GOD, just show me, just tell me what I already know but need your blessing to receive. We fight ourselves so much thinking we don't deserve to be happy, we don't deserve this and that, WELL..I'm gonna start believing in the beautiful side of life..I have been so terminally serious all my life..I want to be happy and I am gonna act that way til it's a natural as breathing!! Okay, I'll stop now..I get all carried away..I am just so excited!! I am making progress like never before. Thank you for being in my life , Amy!! Know you are loved today, unconditionally, no strings attached,

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie