Social Ineptitude

[aspiresobriety]

Does anyone have the feeling that they have something about their personality which puts other people off, but have no idea of what it is?

Even before the decade epoch where I was off the wagon, I always felt as though I put people off. That there was that 'nameless, intangible' something which made people think I was a little off kilter. That this something made me the target of bullies in childhood and in the work place. That this something actively put people off.

The friends that I do have say I am fine, normal. That nothing is wrong with me. My husband says I shouldn't care what other people think (thanks honey but so hard to do in practice and that I should look at what I do have, not at what I don't have) When I am not drinking I do not lie, steal or commit other acts which somehow violates others (ie trust etc) I am not sanctimonious or judgemental. THe only thing I can think of is low self esteem, but I think I tend to hide this quite well. I can be a little vacant at times due to preoccupation with daydreaming but I don't think that this is the extent to which I appear to lack intellect. Just perhaps a little bimbo'ish?
I am average in looks, intellect, creativity, personality etc - in my own eyes but I think what I see in the mirror and how other people see me are two very different things.

I feel so socially incompetent as a result though and it tends to trigger a vicious cycle. I am endlessly questioning what is it about me that puts others off? I would love it if I felt laissez-faire about it and cared little, but that is not who I am. I can't tell myself to switch off.

I know this is articulated badly but I am hoping those that read this will know where I am coming from.

Does anyone else feel like this?

[nandm]

I felt the way you describe the majority of my life. I actually was talking today about it. I realize I no longer feel that way. The only thing I have done differently other than get older is stop drinking and work the steps of A.A.

I was so bad that I was even self concious about the way I walked to the extreme that I walked funny. People that saw me thought I was in the military because I walked to stiff but I have never been in the military. I always felt socially inept. I never knew what to say around people. I spent a lot of time listening because I never knew what to say and when I did say something I was usually about 3 topics behind because by the time I thought of something to say the conversation had progressed past the topic. That was quite embarrassing, people thought I was quite slow.

It is nice to finally be at a place in my life where I don't worry about what others think of me. I know that the only person's opinion of me that truely matters is mine since I am the one who has to live in my skin. I realize that when I felt so inept it was because I was trying so hard to be what I thought others wanted or expected me to be that I was afraid to be myself. By the time I quit drinking I hated being in my skin because I felt I was living a lie. It has been a progressive thing but it is nice to no longer feel that way. I still have bad moments in conversation but I am now able to laugh about it rather than feel so embarrassed I quit speaking.

I don't know how long you have been sober or what program you use but A.A. and the steps helped me with these feelings.

[citychick]

Oh wow, I can totally relate to both of you. Especially the self-conscious walking. People are still telling me I stand/walk really straight. Even though now I'm sober I feel like I'm slouching most of the time. I still have times when conversation is hard, and the more I try to think of something to say, the more self-conscious I become. But I feel so much better than when I was drinking and I can see improvement in all areas of my life. So I'm believing that it will get better as more time passes.

[indigo]

This makes sense to me too, I do think that a lot of it has to do with low self-esteem.
I used to isolate, now I try to go out of my way to put myself into situations, that otherwise I 'd have felt really self-consious, it's hard at first...I am however getting much better and trying not to worry about others opinions of me, that's their problem and not mine.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by indigo

...I am however getting much better and trying not to worry about others opinions of me, that's their problem and not mine....

You are so right. I like the saying "what others think of me is none of my business."

I too have forced myself to make a point to be in social situations in sobriety. Even to the point of being the one to extreme of being the one to get a group of people together (friends used to joke about me being the social organizer). I think that putting my self out there in those positions and allowing myself to make social mistakes has helped me to grow in this area. It helped me realize that it isn't the end of the world to do something socialy stupid and people will not stop liking me because of it. I find that I no longer think about my social skills when in a group of people, I just enjoy the people.

I think all this is a process. For many the Steps are a great solution and for some it takes a little outside help along with them. I do believe that as we grow in sobriety all change is possible. I am thankful for the process.

[zoomer]

Ugh, Ihad so many problems with people and use to wonder what was wrong with me. I found out that I have a mental disorder that made me not like people as much as they did not like me. Today, I know I'm a little off,but thats OK. I only get close to a few people and go about my day not bothing what "I think of people,nor what they thing of me." I'v learned to understand that people in a group like to pick on people,then they move on to someone els. When it's my turn I just go with the flow and know that there will be someone els to come along for people to pick on. "I don't fight,nor blow off steam when people get clicky", because I have my own friends and people I care about and can careless about others. Too sence I'v been in AA those are the people that I care about and the rest of the world has their problems,so it's kind of like "us and them" type thing. I created my own world and and I'm happy. Just think you too can be put off by the same people who are put off by you. It's a two way street and it give you power over your situation. I lived in a very middle class aria and boy O boy where the women bitchy and clicky. I never could fit in,but I tried. I come fromt he inner city and could not conform,nor understand the nicities of middle class. Everything I did was wrong. I lived that way for 12 years and became depressed. I'v learned though to be be OK with myself and that opened doors for me. I no longer live in that middle class place, I'v move to a working class airia and no one bothers me nor do I bother them. I also go to school again and I'm the oldest in some classes. I just do my thing and move on. I also work and am not in any conflict at my job because I work and move on. Sometimes sure I'd like to hang out with class mates or my fellow workers,but most of them use and it's not safe with me. I open up to those who understand me and that is in the fellowship of AA. But there too I only open up to a choice few. Sometimes we fall into the trap of setting ourselves up to be rejected because it has happened to us so many times before that we are use to it. Once you learn not to set yourself up,you'll have freedom.

[aspiresobriety]

Thanks to all of you beautiful, sensitive thoughtful women who contributed to the thread, indeed, to the forum.

It brings me consolation to know that I can count on your raw honesty and forthright manner.

I don't know if it is recovering that makes us this way or if we are all partial to alcohol because we do have certain personality types but either way - it's wonderful.

A hearty thankyou.

[barb dwyer]

I'm quite socially competent.

I'm just nuts is all.

[ccgirl]

I'll bet you'd be surprised. I think most people feel the same way. Look at someone like Barbra Streisand, IMO one of the most talented, accomplished singers ever. She has terrible stage fright and social anxiety.