I feel invisible

[indigo]

Hi zoomer good to see ya sock sis! you're rocking girl.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Hi Lady,

I little late, but I wanted to welcome you. Depression + alcohol equals a vicious cycle of isolation I know. Once I started to reach out and got rid of the alcohol, my depression started to get better..I have my bad days, of course, but nothing like before.

I hope that you keep posting, lots a wonderful folks here.

Karen

[LegalLady]

I'm here today. I'm Okay. I'm reading all the nice things everyone is saying. I'd like to tell you all a story but if I do, you might not say the nice things anymore or believe me. But let me start out by saying this. Did any of you ever think you were, well a caretaker, alcoholic, or a person who drank because of others problems that you could not fix. I'm not married and I have no children. But lots of siblings, nieces and friends and exboyfriends who just needed the hell out of me and I'm a well codependent, bitter pathetic lonely drinker and when I need them, they are gone. I'm a martyr and I'm gonna be 43 and I'm tired.
Thank you all for your nice responses. I do not feel invisible here

[Rowan]

I'm glad you're here with us today, LL.

[zoomer]

It's nice to be needed,but not nice to be discarded in the end. I'v learned not to exspect anything back when I do things for people because they will disapoint you. Glad you do not feel invisible here. I'm 44 and just started life anew. I got rid of the husband,got a boyfriend,went back to school and moved. LOL I'm tired too,but it's a good kind of tired. I was frightened when I made such changes,but I'v grown so much. I think I was afraid more of being in the same place for the rest of my life more so than I was to make the changes. I'v lost a lot by the changes,but I'v gained more. And through it all I remained sober! Right now I work as a server so I can attend school and be with my kids,but I'm very motivated to finish school so I can be a social worker in my old age. I figure I have 20 more years left to give a job and then retire LOL. My older kids think I'm nuts and have no right to go back to school this late in life,but I just tell them "it's never to late to try." Being sober has givien me the courage to try. I know when I'm over my head,so I give myself a break when I have to take 2 steps back. Life is all about at least for me to move forward. Sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward,but at least your moving someplace. Ugh I could not live with just staying where I was at. I felt I was dying inside. I'm codependent too,but I just concentrait on my own drinking or not drinking and figure the rest in time will take care of it's self. Besides I just love men LOL and I will not live without them. Being sober though gave me the insite I needed not to pick a man that is going to suck the life out of me. I'm treated like a queen and am spoiled. He is not rich,but rich in life and love. I'v learned too to love with out taking a hostage or to exspect my man to fix my life. He does not drink (anymore),nor has any bad habbits that I can think of,so I'm very lucky. It's all because I'm sober.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Lady, if you want to share a story with us, I promise you that we will still be nice. Most of us have done things that we were ashamed of while active.

[LegalLady]

When I'm not drinking I think of the things I did for people and how they walked all over me. I self medicate with drinking so my counselor says. I'm desparetly looking for someone to SEE me. Care about me put me first but I can't and I get so mad drinking helps me not think. But then I sober up come here to work and start all over again.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

This might sound like a pat answer for you, but, when you start loving yourself, then others will love you.

I found self respect, self love, and healing in the rooms of AA and by working the steps. Now, my life is filled with folks who treat me respectfully (even my ex who was verbally abusive)and most importantly I no longer let toxic folks into my life.

Have you thought about AA?

[LegalLady]

I've been to AA many times. I felt super lonely in there. I really did. I always feel like I'm not important enought. I've cried in front of them. I begged for sponsors, I've had bad sponsors I've had good sponsors. I think I've had to much counseling to tell you the truth. Been going for years. Just another group of people telling me what to do. Frankly I just don't get that Big Bookfor woman. I think AA is great for men, I really do. but for women I just think you have to be a person who has at least some ounce of self-respect or a real excuse me but hard A@@ to go to AA as women and I'm not I end up worrying about the other person in there or talking up too much time for someone else I don't have any self respect left, I'm not gonna fire a bad sponser or tell them they stink (which is why I had some bad times there) i can't. Oh now i spoke too much. I'm not bashing it, I'm just too wimpy for it. And the coda meetings are not as often as AA

[zoomer]

So sorry you did not find AA warm and caring. I guess it all depends on what your looking for. I know AA around here is not group theripy,but a bunch of people and yes mostly men except in women's meetings to support eachother in how not to drink. I know for me I had one lady really bug the **** out of me. She even shamed me in front of a group of people and I almost did not go back to those AA people,but my sponcer said I earned my seat in those rooms,so get back to it. That lady about 2 years later made amends to me and told me I have grown. I'm not all that big on the hard ass approach,but sometimes we need a good kick in the pants to get us going in the right direction. Some of those hard asses have been sober for years and years. My old sponcer who helped me the most was a male (never could conform to rules too much). He was warm and caring,but was firm when needed exspecailly when I crossed a boundry in which we do from time to time. It's sad to say,but sometimes when a person relapses too much people even in AA tend to shun away from them until they prove themselves. It all depends on what your looking for in AA. Again as I said in an earlier post, I did not go to AA to make friends this time, I went to quit drinking one day at a time. I'm no longer this needy person who exspects people to save me because I'm special, can can stand on my own two feet why? Because I took suggestions exspecailly if I asked for them. I took suggestions from the doctors too. I use to throw out my medication saying i did not need them and not go back to that "bad doctor" all because deep down inside I wanted to drink more than i wanted to get well. I had my affair with "I hate AA" and throw out my Big book and coins all because I wanted to drink again. The worst thing I ever did when I drank was that I drank while pregnant. Hows that for bad. Never did get a DWI,nor was I arrested,nor was I homeless (except when I got sober the first time thanks to a bad suggestion from a sponcer). i learned to manipulate people to support me and my bad habbits. I'm not a falling down drunk,nor have I had a black out (unfortunatly I remember it all), I did not drink in the morning (except after a party and we where still partying),nor did I drink everyday. Drinking messed up my mind and I went crazy because I also have an underlying condition that I self medicated with. I drank beer mostly and at the end just drank 2 a night. I just could not stop drinking even if it was only two. I justified everything I did and every drink I took all in the name of poor me. I had a rotten childhood that messed me up pretty bad,but today I know that I don't have to let other's mistakes ruin the rest of my life. It's still with me,but it does not rule my life. Today I'm special because I try hard,not because life is unfair. I'v been unfair in my life just by being a victom. You can go to all the doctor's you want,but they can't help you unless you work on yourself too. Again as i posted before nothing good in life comes easy or free. Cost me $11,000 for a dumb ass divorce in which I did not win anything except my freedom LOL. I'm getting over it and the backlash,but I'v learned from it. Took my two years or so to save up that kind of money and I had help from a special person in my life that wanted to see me out of that abusive relationship. Today I can face my ex husband without wanting to bash his face in as a matter of fact I see him just about everyday because we have joint custody of the kids. I can and do get along with him all for the sake of people who are more important than me and that is my kids. I don't think I'll forgive him anytime soon,but it's not about feelings it's about actions. AA has helped me to grow up. Today I do as my one and only doctor tells me to do. I'v stopped doctor shopping looking for that one special doctor to save me and take my meds like a good girl LOL. I'm all about getting well and working with the people who are trying to help me. Iv' surrendered to win. Exscuse my spelling at times, I get very excited about my new life and don't have time for spell check LOL. Take it easy and have a good day.

[discoveringme]

Zoomer: As tough as it was for me to read your post, you are right on!! I needed to hear that. I am used to playing the "Martyr" also, and guess what? I am a "Martyr...because I choose to be a martyr" Poor me..poor me...POUR me! BTW, I hope to be where you are someday..one day at a time

LegalLady, this is good advice. Choose yourself first!