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10-21-2007, 08:51 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!!
Posts: 944
| just popping in to say hi
hi there everyone, sorry that i haven't posted sooner but i have been super busy with work and school and the kids and my dad. some days i don't know if i am coming, going, or already been there!!! lol!!! but anyway......my life has taken an unexpected turn here lately.....my ex-fiance and i are back in contact with each other. we haven't been in touch with each other for about 16 years but we are e-mailing and calling each other now. the only catch is is that he is married--unhappily but married. i feel guilty sometimes but by the same token his kids are practically grown up, the youngest is a senior in high school and he does want a divorce and i had nothing to do with that decision. he made that choice BEFORE he asked his mom for my phone number and e-mail address. we met when he had been legally seperated from his wife for 2 years but she wouldn't give him a divorce without costing him his oldest child. it is a long and complicated story.....so instead on risking him loosing his son all those years ago i left him. he stayed married so that he could raise his kids and now is ready to cut the ties between him and his wife. he told me that i am the love of his life and he wants me. and i will be honest it feels really damned good to hear a man say that to me, god knows that neither of my ex-husbands never said anything like that to me. and i do want him back. i have always loved him and missed him and regretted walking away from him. but i still feel like i am being selfish for wanting him. and i am concerned about how his kids will handle a divorce although they are 17, 19, and 21 years old. i don't know, maybe it is just me and my hangups about not thinking that i deserve anything good in any way shape or form.
__________________  Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come and pull your a$$ out of the bind you've gotten yourself into! |
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10-21-2007, 09:30 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,980
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((lost)) You're in a difficult situation. Take it one day at a time and be really careful. Hugs Cats
__________________ What other people think of me is really none of my business! |
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10-26-2007, 06:44 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!!
Posts: 944
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well i have been doing a lot of thinking about my situation with R and have decided that i will just take it as it happens. first things first he live 1000 miles away from me so what ever happens it would be a long distance relationship anyway....not that that bothers me. but i do know that i love him, i always have and i always will. i know that i walked away 16 years ago and it broke me emotionally for a long time and i don't want to be too involved emotionally and something happen and me have to walk away again. the excitement of him telling me that i am the love of his life and that he still loves me has definitely worn off! now that isn't to say that i don't believe him because i do it's just that i am now remembering all the reasons that we split up in the first place. and granted his kids are no longer small and dependent on him but i also know that his wife will use them somehow someway to keep him in his marriage whether he wants a divorce or not. and that just frustrates me beyond belief!!  i know that it is wrong to love someone who "belongs" to someone else but if he doesn't want to be there.......................in a way i wish that he would never have called me up and gotten in touch with me!! at least when we weren't in contact i just had my memories and my regrets and my pain but it was all mine and it was in the past. now it is all dredged up and "new" again. and that sucks!!!! god i sound whiny tonight.... :sorry i just really needed a safe place to vent and this seems to be it!! well i have to go....need to check on the kids, we are having a Halloween party tonight!
__________________ Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come and pull your a$$ out of the bind you've gotten yourself into! |
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10-26-2007, 07:36 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Administrator  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 22,765
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Hi Lost, It sounds like you've given this some thought and you're seeing things more realistically now, than you were before. And, it's good to be very cautious, especially when you've been through a lot with this guy in the past. And, you've worked hard to get where you are, too!
__________________  And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver |
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10-26-2007, 08:21 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 34,835
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I ran into my 1st lost love ....had not seen him in 40 years.  I was happier with the old warm memories without todays cold reality. In my heart..we remain young and in love. In my today..I wouldn't have him on a bet!  Forward we go...  Take care Rachel
__________________  Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!  |
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10-26-2007, 08:35 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!!
Posts: 944
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ya know carol, that is the problem, i would take R back today.....in a heartbeat....deep down i know that.....but i will never tell him that!!!! i can't.....he has to make the choice to leave the circumstances that he is in on his own.......he has to conquer his own fears and issues.........me on the other hand i just have to wait and be realistic......and more than that i have to remember that i come first....and that is something that is very very very hard for me to do.......my first inclination is to put others first........and that is how i end up in trouble.........gotta go again time to check on the kids
__________________ Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come and pull your a$$ out of the bind you've gotten yourself into! |
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10-29-2007, 12:11 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!!
Posts: 944
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well another day and another realization, i have come to the conclusion that i probably never will be with R. he e-mailed me today to tell me that he told his wife over the weekend that he wants a divorce. she asked him if there was another woman in the picture and if it was me, now instead of keeping his mouth shut, he said yes. well she told him that if he goes ahead with the divorce she will tell the kids that he and i have been having an affair the entire 16 years that we have known each other. although we haven't lived in the same state for 15 years!! she swears she will turn the kids against him and that she will make it finacially impossible for him to survive. lord i hate this woman!!!! so he is stuck, he doesn't want to put his kids through all the drama that his wife is threatening but he doesn't want to be married to her either. he says that he wants me and that he loves me and misses me. hell i don't know--maybe i should just bow out again like i did 16 years ago and tell him that it just isn't worth it!! does anyone out there have any advice??? god knows i need some right about now!!!!!!
__________________ Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come and pull your a$$ out of the bind you've gotten yourself into! |
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10-29-2007, 01:13 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 22,765
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Yes, Rachel, bow out!! Take care of yourself. This guy may have the best of intentions, but he's going to hurt you in the long run. In my opinion, his kids are old enough to be able to handle a divorce in the family. If he has been a good dad and a good person, she can't turn the kids against him. They are old enough to figure things out. If you go into this, please be careful.
__________________ And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver |
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10-29-2007, 11:47 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!!
Posts: 944
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carol and anna, ya know i have thought about this situation all day and i keep thinking about the fact that i already have enough "complications" in my life. i work 90-120 hours a week, i am going to school full time, i have 2 teenagers to raise, a father to take care of, and myself to care for. i really don't need the added hassle of R and all the drama that is coming along with the situation. I am going to call him tomorrow and tell him to loose my phone number and e-mail address until he is free and clear of his wife. if it is meant to be then it will happen, i have waited 16 years i can wait longer if i have to, but e-mails and telephone calls from him telling me that he loves me and that i'm the love of his life and that he doesn't want to live without me and all the rest of it.....well i just can't deal with all that right now.....not knowing that he isn't free to commit to me completely 1000%. maybe i'm being selfish and not very understanding but that is just the way that i feel........here's hopeing i'm making the right choice.
__________________ Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come and pull your a$$ out of the bind you've gotten yourself into! |
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10-30-2007, 05:45 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Community Greeter  Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,928
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How awful of his wife to threaten destrying their faith in their father. He doesn't seem very emotionally mature, I 'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself and your family. You are the one's who count. His ex sounds like a bit of a harpie to me JMO. hugs indigo
__________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté  |
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10-30-2007, 10:02 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,408
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Rachel Just a word of caution on that corrosive, errosive emotion you mentioned..."hate"..it may hurt you more than it will her.. Even tho she does not sound very healthy...Is it possible this may be your HP's way of getting your attention & to let you know something? Just wondering ..'cuz what I know frommy expereince is "Nothing hppens by coincidence" Everything is by dsign...That is sometimes hard to accept but I also know acceptance does not mean we have to like it. I know you are hurting..but surrender and acceptance will allow you to see HP is working for you...not against you & wants the best for you. Many hugs to you. Wil keep you in my prayers
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