Im so confused

[Krys_wyo]

When i was drunk most of the stuff he did or didnt do didnt bother me......now after being sober 16 months i am really annoyed and almost floored at what a lazy selfish slob he is. He is sooo selfish, worse then any kid i know!!!
I love him but i am not feeling the closeness anymore and he has become a real a$$hole lately and i want him to leave.
i am a baby christian and i want to start going to church and expanding my relationship with god and all he wants to do is sit on his butt at home when he isnt working, i want TO LIVE, i am only 35 i am not ready for the rockin chair yet!
Is it because im sober that i dont feel like he is the "one" anymore???
Help me i am so confused.

[nandm]

I can understand your frustration. During my first year of sobriety my children went crazy. They quit going to school, started using drugs, stealing, and bringing drug dealers into my home. I was so angry and frustrated that I could not change what they were doing no matter what I tried.

It was a difficult lesson to learn as my oldest daughter did not speak to me for a year but what I learned was the only persons actions I can control are mine. I can only work the steps around the problem, figure out what my part in it is. With my children I was enabling their behaviors. It took giving them an ultimatum and following through with it to resolve the issue. Please do not misunderstand and think I am saying kick your husband out. That is not something I would suggest but what I am saying is I had to set boundaries, work on myself and my behaviors, work on keeping my side of the street clean, and leave the rest to my HP.

My children went through a very rough period when I followed through and sent them to live with their grandmother. From their they went to live with their father, got into prostitution and meth. It took them a few years of seeing the change in me was not just another false hope. Today it has been 4 years since my oldest daughter moved back home, she in that time has held the same job for 4 years, has moved out on her own, although she just moved back in temporarily when her roomate moved out as she could not afford the rent on her own, she has returned to school and passed her nursing assistant course, and no longer using drugs or alcohol of any kind. My other daughter has gotten her GED, is in vet tech school, and although suspect she is still drinking and smoking pot she no longer uses meth. She does live with her grandmother.

When I stepped back from the situation and let my HP handle it things got better. But the more I tried to control them the worse they got, the more resentment that was built on both sides, and the more frustrated we all became.

If you are in A.A. talk with your sponsor. Work the steps around the situation. Start with Step 1--> You are powerless over your husbands behavior, and your life is unmangeable when you try and control it. Then go on to Step 2-->Come to believe that your HP can resolve the problem. Then keep going through the steps. I do believe you will find some peace and serenity with the problem if you do the steps around it.

Good luck, I hope you find things get better.

[MsPINKAcres]

Originally Posted by Krys_wyo

i am a baby christian and i want to start going to church and expanding my relationship with god and all he wants to do is sit on his butt at home when he isnt working, i want TO LIVE, i am only 35 i am not ready for the rockin chair yet!

so Live.

Just from my perspective. In recovery, I have learned that I don't have to "wait" for another person to do those things that I have always wanted to do. If I want to try a new church, I can go, if I want to try a new leisure learning class, I enroll - if I want to go out to eat with friends - I go.

I try to include my hubby - but he doesn't always want to participate - so I leave him to his own decisions and I go off and make mine. Of course this is not the most wonderful thing in the world - but it is not as bad as it seems either.

In a perfect world, he would want to do the majority of the things I want to - but in reality that hasn't happened yet.

I can still live my life and still be in a relationship with him - so maybe it is kinda perfect - perfect for me - just for today.

Hope that you are able to find what is perfect for YOU - just for today.

Oh, and congrats on 16 months sobriety - that's awesome!!

[sneakers]

congrats on the l6 months of soberity krys wyo, once we become sober we do change, but we can't change no one else. If you love this man you have to except him for who is and lift him up in prayer and let God do the changing. It's real easy to look at others faults then to look at our own Jesus said why are you looking at the little speck in your brothers eye, and you have this big beam in your's. In order for someone to change we have to change ourselves. Wanting to get closer to God is great you go girl!!


Your friend


Sneakers

[Krys_wyo]

In order for someone to change we have to change ourselves.

But i am the only one who is changing.

I pray and ask for signs and all i get are signs that dont involve him.

My kids are miserable, i am miserable!

[kelsh]

I knew I was changing myself and felt a new freedom when I first sobered up. I still lived on my own with my youngest daughter and had a good job after I completed a BA Degree in Psychology.

My first husband & I were seeing each other again after we had divorced and both remarried and then divorced. He still drank but didn't think he was having a problem with alcohol. I couldn't tell him one way or the other but did tell him I wouldn't move in with him as long as he drank.

It wasn't long before he did quit drinking and I was still afraid to jump too fast. When I got a raise at work it put me out of low-income housing so he asked me then to move back. I did and all went well. A few years down the road we remarried and it is still good......and still both of us are sober. He has about eight years and I have 19 years. I use the AA Program to stay sober and he just stays sober.

We are both retired and have a good life together. It always wasn't that way though. I was the alcoholic for sure and wanted to be on my own to drink as I wanted to which for the last four years of my drinking was every day.

I can only say what I did and how I changed. I didn't try to change my husband just put up my boundaries and stuck to them. It was hard at first because even tho I divorced him, I still loved him and knew that I had made a big mistake. Then I married a man that drank as much as I did and that was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Hope all goes well for you and I also suggest you go back to Al Anon. It is a good program to help you take care of you!


kelsh

[indigo]

I changed when I got clean and sober and I found there's life out there just waiting to be live. I had spent a huge chunk of my life in a daze. Look after you first you are the most important person in your life right now.

hugs indigo