Day One...Again, need encouragment - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

discoveringme · 10-07-2007, 02:54 PM

Hello ladies:

I am a 44 year old married woman with 2 almost grown boys. I have been in treatment 3 times (outpatient), the last one was 3 years ago. I just finished my bachelors degree in august but the stress put me in a tail spin and I relapsed in January and have not been able to get sober again for more than a week or so at a time.

In childhood I was abused emotionally and physically and sexually. My father used humiliation and embarassment in his discipline. Bare bottom spankings (when clearly too old for them) etc... My first love was abusive also.

My husband of 21 years is a good man. I am surprised he puts up with me. I drink alone, do not go to bars, drive 20 miles to another town for the pop shop for vodka. No one talks about it, but I am sure my hubby knows when I'm drinking. I get drunk in my room or in bed watching tv. It takes away the pain, it takes away the anxiety. I have been on meds for both for 12 years. I do not attend AA. I AVOID it. I dont even understand why I avoid it. I used to go, and I liked it. Am I punishing myself by not getting the help and support I need? Why would I do that? I have GOT to do something. I cant live like this anymore.

**CarolD** · 10-07-2007, 03:29 PM

Glad to see you here with us...

I have no experiences to share on
childhood abuse. It sounds horrid, I am sorry.

However...
I can share this link from the book that
convinced me to quit drinking.

I too had countless Day 1's
before I read "Under The Influence"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts "Under The Influence")

I do use God and AA to enjoy recovery.

Keep posting with us, we do understand.

Blessings to you and your family

**Alera** · 10-07-2007, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by discoveringme

I do not attend AA. I AVOID it. I dont even understand why I avoid it. I used to go, and I liked it. Am I punishing myself by not getting the help and support I need?

I have punished myself in the past by avoiding activities that I like. This was not just limited to recovery activities, although it did include them as well. I would consider attending again. Welcome to SR.

***cmc*** · 10-07-2007, 05:46 PM

I'm glad you are reaching out for help here in this forum. I don't have any personal experience similar to yours, but I have witnessed up close and personal the pain of addiction.
I hope you will continue to come here to post, and on some other forums here as SR if you are comfortable doing so.
Meetings are a good step to take, especially if you don't feel up to it, go anyway. Face to face support is very important.
Please remember that there are others who care and you don't have to face this all by yourself.

kelsh · 10-07-2007, 05:51 PM

Hi Discoveringme,

My attemps at getting sober started with four days of not drinking and then drinking again until I would stop drinking for four days again...never five days.

I drank many years at home with or without my husband. We divorced over my drinking and depression and then being sober while he drank! Very confusing! I finally made it when I got to the point of no return from being an end-stage alcoholic getting drunk every night and drunker on the weekends.

I asked for help for my alcoholism, depression and sanity. It was all wound up in one big circle.

I attended AA, went to in-patient treatment for a second time, had counseling and group therapy for my alcoholism and depression at the same time. I picked up a lot of tools along the way and still use them. I made friends with other members in AA and had a good Sponsor. This is what it took for me. :ok

I had to learn to like myself, love myself, & love others. I also went back to college to get a BA Degree in Psychology a year after I was sober. I'm with you on how much stress it was. I was a single mom with a 14 year old daughter. We mucked our way through those two years and things all worked out in the end.

Keep coming back here....post and ask questions...one day at a time.

kelsh

**greeteachday** · 10-07-2007, 06:24 PM

Quote:

I do not attend AA. I AVOID it. I dont even understand why I avoid it. I used to go, and I liked it. Am I punishing myself by not getting the help and support I need? Why would I do that? I have GOT to do something. I cant live like this anymore.

Hi and welcome - This is a wonderful place to be for lots of caring and support!

I guess only you can answer your question...I found that I would do a lot of things to punish myself for not being what I thought I should be. I didn't really understand that...not sure I do still, but it was only when I spent some time getting to know me and stop feeling I was "less than," that I could let that go.

Sounds like you are ready for help with stopping...Coming here is a good first step. I hope you can take the second step and just try one meeting...No need to speak or make a commitment; I think just hanging out and listening is helpful.

I hope you will stick around and read and post. Hugs.

***miss communicat*** · 10-07-2007, 08:32 PM

Welcome

I'm glad you are here, reaching out to us. I used to avoid AA, but have found THIS time it is working and I love it. I am coming up on 2 years sober, and I could npot have done it without AA and this site.

Please consider it again and go with an open mind. You never know what you might hear in those rooms.

Good luck!

**BigSis** · 10-07-2007, 10:08 PM

You're here. You're seeking some help. What an excellent way to get started!

I wish you the best... ((hugs))

***indigo*** · 10-08-2007, 02:58 AM

Yes as BigSis said you're here, you have started the ball rolling and you are amongst friends.

Welcome and please keep posting.

**historyteach** · 10-08-2007, 04:05 AM

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you find your way...

Shalom!

**Done-With-It** · 10-08-2007, 06:32 AM

Just wanted to Welcome you to SR. Glad you found your way here!~

Fluttering · 10-08-2007, 10:58 AM

Discovering

Welcome
Glad you are here
Thank you for joining us on this tremendous journey

tanyapmc · 10-08-2007, 11:05 AM

HI...I am glad that your here and posting.

I went to my first AA meeting 20 years ago. I spent most of the last 20 years trying not to be one of "those" people.

Well, I am one of "those" people. And I am now grateful for AA. I go to a meeting almos every day. I am almost 9 months sober and that is a miracle.

I too had childhood abuse. Through my 4th and 5th step I was able to let that crap go.

AA and the steps have helped change and SAVE my life.

Hang in there.

discoveringme · 10-08-2007, 12:31 PM

Thanks all of you soooo much for the kind words. It helps so much to know there are people who care. This is day two..so far so good. I work until 9 pm tonight, so it'll be ok. There is a meeting on Friday in my town and I do not work that day so I am planning to go. But I must beware that my social anxiety may kick in and it'll be hard to force myself to go.

**CarolD** · 10-08-2007, 12:53 PM

Hmmm...
Take a friend with you?

Forward we go...side by side

dollhouse · 10-08-2007, 01:13 PM

Hello, Good to see that you are making the frist step in posting what you feel. Thats great. I too have anxity. Its not very nice. Try to relax and breath. You can get thorugh this. You don't even have to say anything. Just being there is such a big step. If you need too, Just try to listen and if it is too much, go outside and collect your thoughts & when you are ready you can go back in... Belive me you are not alone... God bless you. Hoped I have helped...Keep coming back.

**51anna** · 10-08-2007, 05:49 PM

Hi and Welcome!

I do believe that I punished myself and didn't believe that I deserved a good life. I believe that I sabotaged myself countless times and relapsed every time I started to get better. It's about self-love and taking care of yourself. We're all on this journey together, so keep reading and posting.

serenityqueen · 10-08-2007, 06:26 PM

You took a great risk in coming on here and sharing. Congratulations. I'm 45, divorced Mom of an 18 year old son. I have been using since I was 11 and first went into treatment fresh out of high school. I went to meetings off and on, more off, which resulted in not much clean time in between relapses. I can finally say that after some serious soul searching and near suicide I now have 2 years and 2 months clean and sober. I know every time that I relapsed I felt so much guilt and shame that walking back into a meeting was torture for me. I felt like a piece of crap to begin with and the second I walked back into the rooms, I felt like everyone knew that not only did I relapse, but I WAS that piece of crap that I felt like I was. Then I realized, I didn't want to live like I was any longer. I took a huge leap and went back into detox and then intensive outpatient treatment.And I started back at meetings immediately after I got out of detox. The same day as a matter of fact. I didn't share with anyone what I had been doing over the past few years since I'd been to a meeting. I realized later that there was no sign stamped on my forehead that said I relapsed! I'm a failure! Instead I got hugs, welcome backs and lots of phone numbers. In time, I got comfortable enough first with my sponsor and then other people in the program to reveal my "dirty little secret" Was I amazed when almost everyone of these people simply smiled after I told them how horrible I was and said, "I felt the same way, the important thing is your back and that 's all that matters." I realized then that it was my guilt and shame and my own sense of not being worth anything that kept me from reaching out what is given so freely in the rooms of AA/NA. Remember, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I don't care what the expression says, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks! I've learned plenty. I love myself today, my relationships with my son and others are better than I ever dreamed possible. I have earned back the love, respect and trust from others. I can look in the mirror today and say, "You know what, you're not the piece of junk that you were told you were as a child." I sure can relate to how your feeling. But remember, you will find in time that so many others feel or have felt the same way. One of my favorite slogans is Hope is found here. It is. I highly encourage you to go to that meeting on Friday. If you can find one earlier than that, Fantastic! And remember, you are loved and worth loving. Please keep us posted.

***indigo*** · 10-09-2007, 03:37 AM

How you doing today?

discoveringme · 10-09-2007, 09:43 PM

Howdy: Thanks again for the responses.

Indigo...Actually it has been an ok day. Of course I had to work until 10 pm so that helped. I am more worried about my days off, its harder then. Another good thing is that my hubby may get a promotion so he would be done with shift work and on day shift all the time. Right now he alternates day shift and night shift and I usually did not drink unless he was on night shift and wouldnt be home.

So...Day three is a good one! Thanks so much for asking!

***indigo*** · 10-10-2007, 03:14 AM

Congratulations on day three....you're on your way to freedom.

hugs

Fluttering · 10-10-2007, 07:57 AM

discoveringme

Your username says a great deal. Recovery is, in part, about discovering who we are .

Congradulations on your days!!!
I hope you keep posting

discoveringme · 10-10-2007, 08:00 PM

well, since my hubby got called in tonight, I couldn't resist my possibly last chance. I was getting some meat out of the freezer for my parents and found a small bottle of brandy I had bought for my 19 year old son when he had tonsillitis. My folks always swore by a Hot Brandy. So a couple of weeks ago, a bought him a 1/2 pint of brandy to try a Hot brandy for his throat. He only had one, and hated it. So I didnt know it was in the freezer in the basement. I had a GREAT day and it was my day off. My hubby got called in tonight, so I would be alone. I was ok until I saw that bottle in our basement freezer. BOOM~ I fricken drank it and could not stop. I went to the pop shop and got a pint of vodka. So here I sit, pisse

10-07-2007, 02:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
discoveringme Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: MN Posts: 77	Day One...Again, need encouragment Hello ladies: I am a 44 year old married woman with 2 almost grown boys. I have been in treatment 3 times (outpatient), the last one was 3 years ago. I just finished my bachelors degree in august but the stress put me in a tail spin and I relapsed in January and have not been able to get sober again for more than a week or so at a time. In childhood I was abused emotionally and physically and sexually. My father used humiliation and embarassment in his discipline. Bare bottom spankings (when clearly too old for them) etc... My first love was abusive also. My husband of 21 years is a good man. I am surprised he puts up with me. I drink alone, do not go to bars, drive 20 miles to another town for the pop shop for vodka. No one talks about it, but I am sure my hubby knows when I'm drinking. I get drunk in my room or in bed watching tv. It takes away the pain, it takes away the anxiety. I have been on meds for both for 12 years. I do not attend AA. I AVOID it. I dont even understand why I avoid it. I used to go, and I liked it. Am I punishing myself by not getting the help and support I need? Why would I do that? I have GOT to do something. I cant live like this anymore.

10-07-2007, 03:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 15,398	Glad to see you here with us... I have no experiences to share on childhood abuse. It sounds horrid, I am sorry. However... I can share this link from the book that convinced me to quit drinking. I too had countless Day 1's before I read "Under The Influence" http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts "Under The Influence") I do use God and AA to enjoy recovery. Keep posting with us, we do understand. Blessings to you and your family __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

10-07-2007, 05:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
*cmc* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: a good state of mind Posts: 9,638	I'm glad you are reaching out for help here in this forum. I don't have any personal experience similar to yours, but I have witnessed up close and personal the pain of addiction. I hope you will continue to come here to post, and on some other forums here as SR if you are comfortable doing so. Meetings are a good step to take, especially if you don't feel up to it, go anyway. Face to face support is very important. Please remember that there are others who care and you don't have to face this all by yourself. __________________

10-07-2007, 05:51 PM	#5 (permalink)
kelsh Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Omak WA Posts: 812	Hi Discoveringme, My attemps at getting sober started with four days of not drinking and then drinking again until I would stop drinking for four days again...never five days. I drank many years at home with or without my husband. We divorced over my drinking and depression and then being sober while he drank! Very confusing! I finally made it when I got to the point of no return from being an end-stage alcoholic getting drunk every night and drunker on the weekends. I asked for help for my alcoholism, depression and sanity. It was all wound up in one big circle. I attended AA, went to in-patient treatment for a second time, had counseling and group therapy for my alcoholism and depression at the same time. I picked up a lot of tools along the way and still use them. I made friends with other members in AA and had a good Sponsor. This is what it took for me. :ok I had to learn to like myself, love myself, & love others. I also went back to college to get a BA Degree in Psychology a year after I was sober. I'm with you on how much stress it was. I was a single mom with a 14 year old daughter. We mucked our way through those two years and things all worked out in the end. Keep coming back here....post and ask questions...one day at a time. kelsh __________________ God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change..the Courage to Change the Things I Can Change..and the Wisdom to Know the Diifference. Sobriety Date: July 10, 1988

10-07-2007, 08:32 PM	#7 (permalink)
*miss communicat* sobriety is my yoga Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: in the present moment Posts: 1,863	Welcome I'm glad you are here, reaching out to us. I used to avoid AA, but have found THIS time it is working and I love it. I am coming up on 2 years sober, and I could npot have done it without AA and this site. Please consider it again and go with an open mind. You never know what you might hear in those rooms. Good luck! __________________ i close my eyes and see clearly i stop trying to listen and hear truth i am silent and my heart sings i seek no contact and find union i am still and move forward i am gentle and need no strength i am humble and remain whole (ancient taoist meditation)

10-07-2007, 10:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
BigSis On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country! Posts: 3,164	You're here. You're seeking some help. What an excellent way to get started! I wish you the best... ((hugs)) __________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis

10-08-2007, 02:58 AM	#9 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,146	Yes as BigSis said you're here, you have started the ball rolling and you are amongst friends. Welcome and please keep posting. __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

10-08-2007, 04:05 AM	#10 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: centered again Posts: 8,071	My thoughts and prayers are with you as you find your way... Shalom! __________________

10-08-2007, 06:32 AM	#11 (permalink)
Done-With-It InAButtonKindOfWay. Seriously? Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Hollywood Posts: 8,284 Blog Entries: 15	Just wanted to Welcome you to SR. Glad you found your way here!~ __________________ Living in fast forward Hollywood RockStar outta control Need to rewind real slow Alwys Runin Time to take control Oh yeah ...

10-08-2007, 10:58 AM	#12 (permalink)
Fluttering Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About Posts: 2,710	Discovering Welcome Glad you are here Thank you for joining us on this tremendous journey __________________

10-08-2007, 11:05 AM	#13 (permalink)
tanyapmc Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Nunyabusinessville, Texas Posts: 3,389 Blog Entries: 2	HI...I am glad that your here and posting. I went to my first AA meeting 20 years ago. I spent most of the last 20 years trying not to be one of "those" people. Well, I am one of "those" people. And I am now grateful for AA. I go to a meeting almos every day. I am almost 9 months sober and that is a miracle. I too had childhood abuse. Through my 4th and 5th step I was able to let that crap go. AA and the steps have helped change and SAVE my life. Hang in there. __________________ Last edited by tanyapmc; 10-08-2007 at 11:05 AM. Reason: cause I can LOL

10-08-2007, 12:31 PM	#14 (permalink)
discoveringme Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: MN Posts: 77	Thanks all of you soooo much for the kind words. It helps so much to know there are people who care. This is day two..so far so good. I work until 9 pm tonight, so it'll be ok. There is a meeting on Friday in my town and I do not work that day so I am planning to go. But I must beware that my social anxiety may kick in and it'll be hard to force myself to go.

10-08-2007, 12:53 PM	#15 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 15,398	Hmmm... Take a friend with you? Forward we go...side by side __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

10-08-2007, 01:13 PM	#16 (permalink)
dollhouse dollhouse Join Date: May 2006 Location: hamilton,ontario Posts: 39	re: hope. Hello, Good to see that you are making the frist step in posting what you feel. Thats great. I too have anxity. Its not very nice. Try to relax and breath. You can get thorugh this. You don't even have to say anything. Just being there is such a big step. If you need too, Just try to listen and if it is too much, go outside and collect your thoughts & when you are ready you can go back in... Belive me you are not alone... God bless you. Hoped I have helped...Keep coming back.

10-08-2007, 05:49 PM	#17 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,160	Hi and Welcome! I do believe that I punished myself and didn't believe that I deserved a good life. I believe that I sabotaged myself countless times and relapsed every time I started to get better. It's about self-love and taking care of yourself. We're all on this journey together, so keep reading and posting. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

10-08-2007, 06:26 PM	#18 (permalink)
serenityqueen Attitude of Gratitude Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Dayton, Ohio Posts: 1,214	You took a great risk in coming on here and sharing. Congratulations. I'm 45, divorced Mom of an 18 year old son. I have been using since I was 11 and first went into treatment fresh out of high school. I went to meetings off and on, more off, which resulted in not much clean time in between relapses. I can finally say that after some serious soul searching and near suicide I now have 2 years and 2 months clean and sober. I know every time that I relapsed I felt so much guilt and shame that walking back into a meeting was torture for me. I felt like a piece of crap to begin with and the second I walked back into the rooms, I felt like everyone knew that not only did I relapse, but I WAS that piece of crap that I felt like I was. Then I realized, I didn't want to live like I was any longer. I took a huge leap and went back into detox and then intensive outpatient treatment.And I started back at meetings immediately after I got out of detox. The same day as a matter of fact. I didn't share with anyone what I had been doing over the past few years since I'd been to a meeting. I realized later that there was no sign stamped on my forehead that said I relapsed! I'm a failure! Instead I got hugs, welcome backs and lots of phone numbers. In time, I got comfortable enough first with my sponsor and then other people in the program to reveal my "dirty little secret" Was I amazed when almost everyone of these people simply smiled after I told them how horrible I was and said, "I felt the same way, the important thing is your back and that 's all that matters." I realized then that it was my guilt and shame and my own sense of not being worth anything that kept me from reaching out what is given so freely in the rooms of AA/NA. Remember, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I don't care what the expression says, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks! I've learned plenty. I love myself today, my relationships with my son and others are better than I ever dreamed possible. I have earned back the love, respect and trust from others. I can look in the mirror today and say, "You know what, you're not the piece of junk that you were told you were as a child." I sure can relate to how your feeling. But remember, you will find in time that so many others feel or have felt the same way. One of my favorite slogans is Hope is found here. It is. I highly encourage you to go to that meeting on Friday. If you can find one earlier than that, Fantastic! And remember, you are loved and worth loving. Please keep us posted. __________________ *"It's Great to be the Queen!"*

10-09-2007, 03:37 AM	#19 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,146	How you doing today? __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

10-09-2007, 09:43 PM	#20 (permalink)
discoveringme Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: MN Posts: 77	Howdy: Thanks again for the responses. Indigo...Actually it has been an ok day. Of course I had to work until 10 pm so that helped. I am more worried about my days off, its harder then. Another good thing is that my hubby may get a promotion so he would be done with shift work and on day shift all the time. Right now he alternates day shift and night shift and I usually did not drink unless he was on night shift and wouldnt be home. So...Day three is a good one! Thanks so much for asking!

10-10-2007, 03:14 AM	#21 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,146	Congratulations on day three....you're on your way to freedom. hugs __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

10-10-2007, 07:57 AM	#22 (permalink)
Fluttering Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About Posts: 2,710	discoveringme Your username says a great deal. Recovery is, in part, about discovering who we are . Congradulations on your days!!! I hope you keep posting __________________