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|10-07-2007, 01:54 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Day One...Again, need encouragment
I am a 44 year old married woman with 2 almost grown boys. I have been in treatment 3 times (outpatient), the last one was 3 years ago. I just finished my bachelors degree in august but the stress put me in a tail spin and I relapsed in January and have not been able to get sober again for more than a week or so at a time.
In childhood I was abused emotionally and physically and sexually. My father used humiliation and embarassment in his discipline. Bare bottom spankings (when clearly too old for them) etc... My first love was abusive also.
My husband of 21 years is a good man. I am surprised he puts up with me. I drink alone, do not go to bars, drive 20 miles to another town for the pop shop for vodka. No one talks about it, but I am sure my hubby knows when I'm drinking. I get drunk in my room or in bed watching tv. It takes away the pain, it takes away the anxiety. I have been on meds for both for 12 years. I do not attend AA. I AVOID it. I dont even understand why I avoid it. I used to go, and I liked it. Am I punishing myself by not getting the help and support I need? Why would I do that? I have GOT to do something. I cant live like this anymore.
|10-07-2007, 02:29 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Forward we go...side by side
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Glad to see you here with us...
I have no experiences to share on
childhood abuse. It sounds horrid, I am sorry.
I can share this link from the book that
convinced me to quit drinking.
I too had countless Day 1's
before I read "Under The Influence"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts "Under The Influence")
I do use God and AA to enjoy recovery.
Keep posting with us, we do understand.
Blessings to you and your family
Each Day Sober Is A Victory!!
Joy In AA Recovery!
|10-07-2007, 04:02 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern California
"Its Mr Higher Power unless I'm angry, then just like everyone else in my life it simply becomes Mr. Power."
Copyright © 2005 - 2013 Shockozulu
|10-07-2007, 04:46 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2006
I'm glad you are reaching out for help here in this forum. I don't have any personal experience similar to yours, but I have witnessed up close and personal the pain of addiction.
I hope you will continue to come here to post, and on some other forums here as SR if you are comfortable doing so.
Meetings are a good step to take, especially if you don't feel up to it, go anyway. Face to face support is very important.
Please remember that there are others who care and you don't have to face this all by yourself.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. ~Albert Einstein
|10-07-2007, 04:51 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
My attemps at getting sober started with four days of not drinking and then drinking again until I would stop drinking for four days again...never five days.
I drank many years at home with or without my husband. We divorced over my drinking and depression and then being sober while he drank! Very confusing! I finally made it when I got to the point of no return from being an end-stage alcoholic getting drunk every night and drunker on the weekends.
I asked for help for my alcoholism, depression and sanity. It was all wound up in one big circle.
I attended AA, went to in-patient treatment for a second time, had counseling and group therapy for my alcoholism and depression at the same time. I picked up a lot of tools along the way and still use them. I made friends with other members in AA and had a good Sponsor. This is what it took for me. :ok
I had to learn to like myself, love myself, & love others. I also went back to college to get a BA Degree in Psychology a year after I was sober. I'm with you on how much stress it was. I was a single mom with a 14 year old daughter. We mucked our way through those two years and things all worked out in the end.
Keep coming back here....post and ask questions...one day at a time.
God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change..the Courage to Change the Things I Can Change..and the Wisdom to Know the Diifference.
Sobriety Date: July 10, 1988
|10-07-2007, 05:24 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Hi and welcome - This is a wonderful place to be for lots of caring and support!
I guess only you can answer your question...I found that I would do a lot of things to punish myself for not being what I thought I should be. I didn't really understand that...not sure I do still, but it was only when I spent some time getting to know me and stop feeling I was "less than," that I could let that go.
Sounds like you are ready for help with stopping...Coming here is a good first step. I hope you can take the second step and just try one meeting...No need to speak or make a commitment; I think just hanging out and listening is helpful.
I hope you will stick around and read and post. Hugs.
Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith - Margaret Shepherd
|10-07-2007, 07:32 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
I'm glad you are here, reaching out to us. I used to avoid AA, but have found THIS time it is working and I love it. I am coming up on 2 years sober, and I could npot have done it without AA and this site.
Please consider it again and go with an open mind. You never know what you might hear in those rooms.
i close my eyes and see clearly
i stop trying to listen and hear truth
i am silent and my heart sings
i seek no contact and find union
i am still and move forward
i am gentle and need no strength
i am humble and remain whole
(ancient taoist meditation)
|10-07-2007, 09:08 PM||#8 (permalink)|
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
You're here. You're seeking some help. What an excellent way to get started!
I wish you the best... ((hugs))
No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless....
|10-08-2007, 01:58 AM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Yes as BigSis said you're here, you have started the ball rolling and you are amongst friends.
Welcome and please keep posting.
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté
|10-08-2007, 05:32 AM||#11 (permalink)|
*~7 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Blog Entries: 15
Just wanted to Welcome you to SR. Glad you found your way here!~
Living in fast forward
Hollywood RockStar outta control
Need to rewind real slow
Time to take control
Oh yeah ...
|10-08-2007, 10:05 AM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Nunyabusinessville, Texas
HI...I am glad that your here and posting.
I went to my first AA meeting 20 years ago. I spent most of the last 20 years trying not to be one of "those" people.
Well, I am one of "those" people. And I am now grateful for AA. I go to a meeting almos every day. I am almost 9 months sober and that is a miracle.
I too had childhood abuse. Through my 4th and 5th step I was able to let that crap go.
AA and the steps have helped change and SAVE my life.
Hang in there.
Last edited by tanyapmc; 10-08-2007 at 10:05 AM. Reason: cause I can LOL
|10-08-2007, 11:31 AM||#14 (permalink)|
Thanks all of you soooo much for the kind words. It helps so much to know there are people who care. This is day two..so far so good. I work until 9 pm tonight, so it'll be ok. There is a meeting on Friday in my town and I do not work that day so I am planning to go. But I must beware that my social anxiety may kick in and it'll be hard to force myself to go.
|10-08-2007, 12:13 PM||#16 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2006
Hello, Good to see that you are making the frist step in posting what you feel. Thats great. I too have anxity. Its not very nice. Try to relax and breath. You can get thorugh this. You don't even have to say anything. Just being there is such a big step. If you need too, Just try to listen and if it is too much, go outside and collect your thoughts & when you are ready you can go back in... Belive me you are not alone... God bless you. Hoped I have helped...Keep coming back.
|10-08-2007, 04:49 PM||#17 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Hi and Welcome!
I do believe that I punished myself and didn't believe that I deserved a good life. I believe that I sabotaged myself countless times and relapsed every time I started to get better. It's about self-love and taking care of yourself. We're all on this journey together, so keep reading and posting.
|10-08-2007, 05:26 PM||#18 (permalink)|
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
You took a great risk in coming on here and sharing. Congratulations. I'm 45, divorced Mom of an 18 year old son. I have been using since I was 11 and first went into treatment fresh out of high school. I went to meetings off and on, more off, which resulted in not much clean time in between relapses. I can finally say that after some serious soul searching and near suicide I now have 2 years and 2 months clean and sober. I know every time that I relapsed I felt so much guilt and shame that walking back into a meeting was torture for me. I felt like a piece of crap to begin with and the second I walked back into the rooms, I felt like everyone knew that not only did I relapse, but I WAS that piece of crap that I felt like I was. Then I realized, I didn't want to live like I was any longer. I took a huge leap and went back into detox and then intensive outpatient treatment.And I started back at meetings immediately after I got out of detox. The same day as a matter of fact. I didn't share with anyone what I had been doing over the past few years since I'd been to a meeting. I realized later that there was no sign stamped on my forehead that said I relapsed! I'm a failure! Instead I got hugs, welcome backs and lots of phone numbers. In time, I got comfortable enough first with my sponsor and then other people in the program to reveal my "dirty little secret" Was I amazed when almost everyone of these people simply smiled after I told them how horrible I was and said, "I felt the same way, the important thing is your back and that 's all that matters." I realized then that it was my guilt and shame and my own sense of not being worth anything that kept me from reaching out what is given so freely in the rooms of AA/NA. Remember, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I don't care what the expression says, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks! I've learned plenty. I love myself today, my relationships with my son and others are better than I ever dreamed possible. I have earned back the love, respect and trust from others. I can look in the mirror today and say, "You know what, you're not the piece of junk that you were told you were as a child." I sure can relate to how your feeling. But remember, you will find in time that so many others feel or have felt the same way. One of my favorite slogans is Hope is found here. It is. I highly encourage you to go to that meeting on Friday. If you can find one earlier than that, Fantastic! And remember, you are loved and worth loving. Please keep us posted.
Just when the Catterpillar thought her life was over, She became a Butterfly
|10-09-2007, 08:43 PM||#20 (permalink)|
Howdy: Thanks again for the responses.
Indigo...Actually it has been an ok day. Of course I had to work until 10 pm so that helped. I am more worried about my days off, its harder then. Another good thing is that my hubby may get a promotion so he would be done with shift work and on day shift all the time. Right now he alternates day shift and night shift and I usually did not drink unless he was on night shift and wouldnt be home.
So...Day three is a good one! Thanks so much for asking!
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