I don't know anymore. Is it really Abuse?

[bymyself]

I have gotten to a point in my marriage that I don;t know if what i'm going through is abuse or not. I decided to type out my thoughts, because this was the only way I could communicate with myself. Please give me feedback on your thoughts about who I'm married too and if I have an abusive husband?.


Am I being to paranoid now? Am I analyzing each and every thing he says
because of the abuse I have taken for so many years? I feel as if I’m an
exposed nerve, constantly throbbing with suspicion and defense.

Is it really abuse or am I just being overly emotional like I usually am.
I’ve always taken things to heart so that’s probably what the problem is.
Let’s type out what Greg has said that bothered me since we’ve been
together. If I can remember everything.


The Bad (10 years of marriage)

Held me down in anger, saying he had to calm me down.
Got me in a choke hold and threw me to the floor, after squirting water at
him, in front of Justine.
Shoved liquid soap down my throat for cursing, saying I needed to get my
mouth washed out with soap because I cursed at him.
Wanted me too look like his “fantasy”girl, even bought a weight set for me
too work out on. His comment “Everyone can improve on their looks”.
Always questioned why I was eating this or that when I became heavy.
Didn’t want me to have a baby until I “got my blackbelt” he would say
“jokingly”?
Said he would do certain things in the bedroom if I took martial arts.
When I got heavy and started drinking things became worse.
Would look and question “ Oh having a cookie” etc…
Would place the bottle of wine on the table in front of Justine calling me
a drunk in front of her.
Would make me so angry on purpose saying “I love to push your buttons and
get you rild” then would say I was acting “Crazy or Insane or Psychotic”.
Was not affectionate much.
Would tease Justine until she cried.
Made fun of my weight in a fun sarcastic tone. Saying he was only joking.
Would constantly punch my stomach, even when I asked him to stop. He would
say “Oh your so cute, I can’t stop”. (That went on for years) I just
learned to put up with it.
When he became angry watching a game and If I intervened because of his
anger, told me, F***you. Or Shutup.
Whenever I would try to tell him that something bothered me, it never
mattered to him. He always put other peoples feelings and thoughts before
mine, telling me I was being mean because I only cared about myself.
He has pushed me back on the couch when I was trying to get up because I
sometimes have a hard time because of my weight. Would call me Patsy (my
mom who is very over weight and had a hard time getting off the couch).
If ever I had a cough he would say “Your starting to sound like Patsy”.
(She also has a bad cough due to her weight)
Made a comment to me saying about a friend I haven’t seen in 10 years since
we’ve been married that he works with. “ I haven’t told John about you”.
I asked, “what do you mean”? He said, “ you know, (pointing at me) the way
you are now”.
Has slapped the glasses off my face three times. Twice when I was drinking
and once when I was laying in bed, he jumped on top of me grabbing me by
the neck of my shirt and hitting my glasses off my face.
Totally disregards anything that is important to me. Like putting Faith (my
puppy) on a leash when he takes her out and when he doesn’t and I get mad,
he questions me “Why are you so insane”?
Always making comments that hurt or anger me but in a joking manner. He
would say “ you need to lighten up and not be so serious all the time, I’m
a comedian”.

Everytime I would bring these issues up he would just say, they happened a
year ago or 20 years ago. I guess he’s telling me to just forget about it.
I don’t know anymore.

[liesagain]

HELL yes hes abusive

no you are NOT over emotional......he is mean and cruel!!!!

You do not deserve to be treated like that BY ANYONE!!!!!

[GailJ]

You deserve to be treated with love, faith, dignity, respect, and cherished. Sounds like my first marriage, you need to leave, whether you drink or not, I am in the middle of separaing my third emotionally abusive and at times verbally abusive relationship. But never gain would I let it get to the point where you are now. Call the nearest women's shelter and go, don't look back just go. You will be amazed how much goodness and help is out thereto help you get back on your feet, take your daughter with you or send her or a week to a relative you, only you can trust. Have courage, fin the strength and go.

[nandm]

Both verbal and physical abuse it sounds like to me. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. I allowed myself to be in similiar relationships while drinking. Fortunately, I have changed enough to know I do not have to tolerate that kind of behavior any more. I deserve to be treated as a human being. You also deserve the same.

[raerae6]

Hi Bymyself, you are being abused. Please consider going to your local domestic abuse agency and speak to the people there about what you are experiencing. If you don't know where to go call this number...The national domestic abuse hotline number is 1-800-799-safe.

Take a look at this thread, it lists the red flags that are indicators of abuse.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html (For The Abused Woman)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you don't have to live like this.

Hugs, Lisa

[Fluttering]

You already know the answer to your question
We all deserve to be treated with respect.

You do deserve support and encouragemetn while you make changes in yourself..None of us deserve or need to be criticized in to chnage..
My heart goes out to you dear friend...you will be in my prayers.

Brings back memories for me..

I pray you find not only the peace you need but you also find a solurion.

[51anna]

Absolutely 100% abusive.

Get out and get help for you and your children. Go to a shelter and they will help you get on your feet.

[GailJ]

Bymysel please liten to the women here, we know we've been there, thinking yu can change him, heal him, be better for acceptance, It doesn't work. The longer you stay thelonger you wll lose yourself and knowing hat is true and what you really deserve. Even he kindnes of a bed in womens shelter bed, wher your safe and warm is better than what you have now, you know that. You can get out and make life so much better. Seek outside help, not family or friends, thy obviously are not there for you now. Go and know we're here for you and praying for you.

[GailJ]

Sorry for the typo's typing to fast for dial up. I may be calling 911 yet tonight myself.

[anvilhead]

bymyself.......if anyone else, a stranger say, walked into your house and did any one of the above listed acts..........what would you think and what would do?

it IS abuse and it NEEDS to stop, and it needs to stop NOW......it is NEVER ok for anyone to put hands on us anger, to speak to us in a degrading fashion, to treat us with disrespect and as second class citizens......EVER.

if you do not remove yourself and your children from harm's way.......it will not only continue, it will escalate. this situation calls for drastic measures......

i hope and pray you do EVERYTHING possible to assure your own safety...and that you do it as soon as humanly possible.......

[CarolD]

My husband punched me...I left.

I took the money from our bank accounts
Stopped at a lawyers for advice
drove away...never looked back.

I suggest you make plans for a happier future
without an abusive man.
Talking to a womans center is Step One.

Double Hugs

[Harley3801]

.
OMG . . . I didn't have to read past the first entry on your list to know that you're being abused. You've gotten great advice . . . . I hope you're able to call an abuse hotline . . .

[Max.J.Milton]

No one should be treated like that.

Theres no excuse for domestic violence. ever.

i grew up in a violent household and i tell you the sooner you get out the better, it'll be the bravest thing you'll ever do.
i know i dont know you, but im proud of you for reaching out and asking for help, because thats a difficult thing for anyone to do because it means admitting you were wrong to some extent (in your choice of husband) but how could you ever have known?

my thoughts and prayers are with you, and if you ever just want to vent feel free to message me

Love,
Moose x

[scaredykat]

Bymyself- The answer is a definite yes. I was where you are years ago with my 1st husband. Go to a woman's shelter. There very nice there and will help you get back on your feet. Take care.

Barb

[rabye]

You know that you are being abused, you just are too scared to walk away thinking that it may be better to stay with him then be alone.

Its very hard to walk away when your self esteem has been ripped apart. Abusers know how to keep you where they want you, they are experts, but I hope you find the courage to leave him.

I pray that you trust in yourself and take that step to a better life, you may not be able to see or imagine a better life right now but believe me the minute you leave you will feel better.

Just get up and GO!!!!

and we are all here for you. anytime you are unsure just call someone to come and rescue you, ask for help, and let him live in his misery cause he is a miserable, sad, insecure ******* who has no confidence or self worth and that is why he is doing this too you. HE HAS A PROBLEM NOT YOU. YOU JUST NEED TO LEAVE HIM AND ALL WILL BE OK FROM THERE.

GOOD LUCK

[indigo]

You are being abused, no nice way of putting it,the "only joking" doesn't stick. He is a cruel abusive person and has no respect for you. JMO Get out as soon as you can.
Be safe indigo

[Fluttering]

the other problem with allowing ourselves to stick around to be abused is the children are laerning that behavior
The sooner you get out the sooner you are able to stop the cycle andbe a positive rold model forthe children.
You deserve and are worth it to make some major changes.

Pls keep us posted on how you are doing

Hugs

[cookconfay]

You know you've heard the old saying....The first time they hit you...it's their fault...the second time it's your fault? Well, I'm not saying in anyway ANYTHING can be blamed on you, however....I agree with what everyone else has said....please take care of yourself and your children!!!

He needs help, you cannot give it to him.

Run fast and far!!!

Hugs and many prayers going out for you!!!!

[embraced2000]

he is abusive and a big bully. he wouldn't pull that crap with a man....he's get his arse kicked good.

it is abuse. no question about it. and it is progressive. save yourself and your children. you deserve so much better.

so, so, sorry you are experiencing this.

i will keep you in my prayers.
jeri

[bymyself]

Thank you all for your support. I am seeing things alot clearer now. This is a stupid question, but does someone with those behaviors change? I wiil keep everyone up to date.

Thank you and God Bless,
Theresa

[CarolD]

Well....I don't know
but why would he?

It makes abusers feel powerful.

JMO

[nandm]

I agree with Carol, why would he change. As long as he has nothing to lose. I would still recommend talking with someone who knows more about abusive situations. such as an abuse hotline. They would be in a good position to give you advice and answers. Glad you posted again. I have been wondering how you are.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

After six months of anger management therapy, my exH was calm and communicative for another 2. Then, it was right back to where he was. He has a lot of anger from childhood abuse that he will not seek treatment for. I got myself out of the situation at the first physical attack and we are divorced now.

Please stay safe and seek help.

Karen