Men are like...(humorous!)

[WLDKATZ]

Men are like...

Men are like....Laxatives...They irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like...Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like...Vacations...They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like...Weather...Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like...Blenders...You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like...Chocolate Bars...Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like...Commercials...You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like...Department Stores...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like...Government Bonds...They take sooooo long to mature.

Men are like...Mascara...They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like...Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like...Snowstorms...You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like...Lava Lamps...Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like...Parking Spots...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.



Can you think of something else men are like??????????

[WLDKATZ]

omg had to fit this one in somewhere..........lol

How to Ditch a Date:

Blind dates are just plain scary, but it gets a lot worse when you meet them and discover they are far from even the most meager of hopes you had for them to be what you wanted. Here's some tips on how to get rid of them, fast!

Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"

Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.

Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

Order a bucket of lard.

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.

Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.

Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.

Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.

Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

Drool.

Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.

Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...

Hold a debate. Take both sides.

Undress your date verbally.

Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.

After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.

Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.

Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."

Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."

If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"

[indigo]

Did you just about cover it!!! or is there more?

[WLDKATZ]

Originally Posted by indigo

Did you just about cover it!!! or is there more?

OMG there has got to be more what are some of YOUR ideas........lol It is nice to see ya btw how have you been?

[Fluttering]

OMG...How funny!!!!

In the restaurant show the tatoo you have on your butt.
If you have dentures let them slip out on your plate.

Offer your date a toast..witrh the water..drop the water glass in his lap.
Put water on your spoon and flick it at other people..in thew restaurant.
Flirt with the waiter and give him a phone number [your dates number]
A friend alctually did this: reach under your blouse and remove your bra while proclaiming loudly it was too restricting..then wave it around while singing a song of freedom.

There is a flower that if you put your nose too close to sniff it you then have a yellow nose..Have one of those flowers as a coursage and ask your date to sniff it , placing it very close to his nose..Do this as you are walking into the restaurant.
Could also do this at the table....

I am still laughing at those you posted...So fuuuuuny
Thank you for the laughter..I needed that

[WLDKATZ]

Originally Posted by Fluttering

OMG...How funny!!!!

In the restaurant show the tatoo you have on your butt.
If you have dentures let them slip out on your plate.

Offer your date a toast..witrh the water..drop the water glass in his lap.
Put water on your spoon and flick it at other people..in thew restaurant.
Flirt with the waiter and give him a phone number [your dates number]
A friend alctually did this: reach under your blouse and remove your bra while proclaiming loudly it was too restricting..then wave it around while singing a song of freedom.

There is a flower that if you put your nose too close to sniff it you then have a yellow nose..Have one of those flowers as a coursage and ask your date to sniff it , placing it very close to his nose..Do this as you are walking into the restaurant.
Could also do this at the table....

I am still laughing at those you posted...So fuuuuuny
Thank you for the laughter..I needed that

any time!!!!

[WLDKATZ]

A Tempting Little Sister
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.


She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car!!!

[WLDKATZ]

Make Me Feel Like a Woman....

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.


Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

[nandm]

I can see why you call yourself Wild Kats. I bet you are a riot in person. Thanks for the humor. I have enjoyed it.

[WLDKATZ]

I have 2 cars and two trucks my trucks are hallarious, one is a full sized suburban and the sticker on the butt end says " silly boys trucks are for girls"
My blazer had "don't hate me because I am beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so" and "Daddy's spoiled little bitch"...............lol
I do have a small attitude problem.......LOL

[nandm]

Sometimes attitude is a great tool for dealing with life. As long as it is not mean attitude. I like your attitude

[indigo]

Hi K I'm doing just fine thanks .. better for you brightening up my days with these thoughts. LOL.

[WLDKATZ]

Men are like ......toliet paper......they can't hold very much!

[WLDKATZ]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."




that is funny I don't care who ya are!

[WLDKATZ]

Dark in Here
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "OK"


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove and we'll play catch."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "Really? How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your friends like that. Those two things didn't cost near that. I'm going to take you to church and must you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and puts the little boy in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** in here."

[WLDKATZ]

Seminars for Men
The female staff will be offering educational courses to men of all ages and marital status. Attendance is mandatory in at least 10 of the following courses:

Combating Stupidity.
You Can Do Housework, Too.
PMS: Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut.
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray.
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us Money !
Understanding The Female Response to Your Coming Home Drunk at 4:00am.
Wonderful Laundry Techniques.
Parenting...It Doesn't End With Conception.
Get a Life... Learn to Cook!
How To Not Act Like An ******* When Obviously You're Wrong.
Spelling...Even YOU can Get it Right.
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence.
Reasons to Give Flowers.
How To Stay Awake After Sex.
Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom.
Garbage: Getting it to the Curb.
#101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without it if You Really Try.
#102: The Morning Dilemma - If it's Awake, Take a Shower.
I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please.
How To Put The Toilet Lid Down.
(Prerequisite: How to Put the Toilet seat down)
"Weekend" and "Sports" Are Not Synonymous.
Give Me A Break or "Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bullshit."
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost.
The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency.
Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes.
Mothers-In-Law: They Are People, Too.
How Not To Act Younger Than Children.
You Too Can Be A Designated Driver.
Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends At Home.
Honesty - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson (especially when naked).

[WLDKATZ]

Female Intuition




ne day, three men were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first man decided to pray:

'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Immediately he grew enormous muscles in his arms and legs, and he managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.

The second man saw this and he prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.' A boat appeared from nowhere, and he battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.

The third man saw this and prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.'

Immediately he turned into a woman. She looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side.

[indigo]

Yes that definately works for me thanks!

[BrokenBridges24]

hehehe These are funny. Thanks.

[WLDKATZ]

Any time!!!!!
Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.

The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.

The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.

The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.

At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.

the first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"
The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"
But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

huh?

[WLDKATZ]

[WLDKATZ]