A little scared and a little angry.

[Evanna]

Sorry,feel a little bad posting here as i dont come here much these days! So feeling like bit of a taker but didnt know where else to go.

Aware that one of my boobies has been changing recently with lumpiness and hardening growing and moving away from the breast towards the shoulder and the armpit i took myself off to the dr. Doc has confirmed that there is indeed unusual lumps and hardening and arranged for me to see breast specialist and have mammogram. That is good as it means that it is going to be investigated.

However it is still a little scary. I am mostly scared for my 14yr old son who had many losses in his young life and has no family other than myself and his step-dad. I know that there is no point being scared as it may be nothing but i am scared anyway. I have been feeling like i am becoming more and more mad for a while. I was putting it down to stress and not coming into contact with enough people (i am self-employed working from home) but now my head is going out of control. I now have suspicions that my increasing oddness is maybe physical and just maybe it is to do with physical illness. Perhaps i have cancers spread to my brain. This is a big leap from a few unidentified lumps i know!

So that is the bit of me that is a little bit scared. Then there is the part of me that is a little angry. The male doc that i went to see told me that it is standard practice to refer any person presenting with changes in the breast to see a breast specialist. Yet, 2 years ago i saw a female doc in the same practice who told me i was worrying about nothing when i presented with a small lump. This small lump is a good deal larger now and is no longer alone. It took me a long time to go back as i didnt want to be pooh-poohed again but seems she should have referred me back then. I am cross with myself for ignoring something that i knew was changing and growing because someone else told me i was imagining it. Just when will i learn that it is perhaps right to make a fuss for myself at times!

I havent told my circle of friends all my mad thoughts yet as i havent told them about the the referral. Last year we lost a very close friend to liver cancer and i think no-one really wants to have to even think about any more illness or being there for anyone for quite a while yet. It was a hard year on all of us. We have all been a bit 'pull your socks up and get on with it mate' about everything ever since. I did tell my closest women friend about the referral and all she said was 'ah well, breasts are lumpy things you know' and then moved on. I probably would have said something similiar but i did feel it deserved more than one line! I am aware that she is not a mind reader and as i didnt tell her any of what is going on for me around it. So more a bit of generalised anger flying around than any real anger towards her.

Anyway i am not sure what the real point of this post was other than to get it out of my head. It is 1.30 in the morning here in the UK and it is not a good time to have this stuff rattling. After a good nights sleep some perspective will probably return.

Thanks Evanna.

[nandm]

You seem to have a lot on your plate right now. Fear can sure make ones head spin, at least it does mine. Ironically, fear leads me to visualize all kinds of terrible endings to my initial worry, it seems like it just spins everything out of control.

One thing that helps me when I start to worry or get into fear is that something like 98% of what we worry about in life never even happens. Just think of all that wasted energy we put into worry. That energy could be put to much better use by doing anything that takes our mind away from the worry. For me those things are taking a hike, watching a good movie, reading a book, a warm bath (sometimes with bubbles), reading the Big Book, reading meditations, yoga, exercise, playing with my dogs, and so many other things.

But I have to take the first step of getting out of the worry by realizing that my worry is a waste of energy. We don't change things by worrying about them all we do is create stress and lost energy in ourselves.

I hope all works out well for you. Do keep us posted. Glad you are back. You are welcome here anytime.

[Evanna]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond Nandm. I appreciate it.

I suspect that a little worry might be just natural, normal and permissable right now. But i can certainly apply your thinking to my worrying about the VAT man. I am always worrying about the VAT man, like a bogey monster in my mind! It is pointless and needless stress i am sure. Do you guys have VAT in the US?

[nandm]

I have never heard of the VAT man but can guess that he is not someone good.

[51anna]

Hi Evanna,

You're right, a little worry is warranted, but probably not as much as you're worrying. I had a lump in my breast a few years ago and it is quite nerve-wracking waiting for the test results. I also have 'dense breasts' which makes it harder for the dr to see and feel what's going on.

Do you get yearly mammograms? Here in Canada, mammograms are commonplace, but you may be too young to be having regular mammograms. They can help put your mind at ease a bit, though they don't always show everything.

And, I can understand you being hurt by your friend's reaction. I've found that, as I get older, I keep more and more to myself. Probably your friend was upset by your concerns and didn't know what to say and said the wrong thing.

The main thing is that you are going to get it checked out and then see what happens. What the heck is a VAT man? LOL.

[Evanna]

Hi Anna,
I guess it certainly sounds that i am worrying a lot given the information and some of the wild leaps of imagination in my post. But i am not like that all the time. It is the wee hours here so i all those fleeting thoughts and worries that are dismissed during the day tend to escape. I was just kind of doing a public cleansing of them i guess. I am certain sanity of sorts will be restored in the morning. Was everything ok for you then after your lump was discovered?

I think women get offered mammograms every 5 years or so from the age of 50 here. I am 42 so still too young.

VAT = value added tax on goods and services. The VAT man is the governments tax collector and has more powers than the police. I suspect you have something similar in the US just with different name.

[51anna]

In Canada, we get mammograms every year after age 50 and before that if menopause has already occurred.

I do know about the wee hours of the morning. I have many sleepless nights and that is the worst time for me - thoughts run wild. Hopefully things will seem brighter in the morning.

[nandm]

Just a quote about worry I find useful

Your presence is a present to the world.
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Don't put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Count your blessing, not your troubles.
You'll make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Douglas Pagels

Although there is the potential for what is going on to be quite serious, it is not something you can do anything to change today. So wasting time worrying will only wind up leaving you with wasted time. Wasted time can easily bring regrets. I know I do not want a life full of regrets but a life full of serenity.

Take care, my prayers are with you.

[nandm]

VAT = value added tax on goods and services. The VAT man is the governments tax collector and has more powers than the police. I suspect you have something similar in the US just with different name.

Yes, the IRS = Internal Revenue Service. They can take away your home, freeze your bank accounts, and do most anything even if you are not guilty. Of course if your not guilty then they have to give it back but who can afford to fight them with no assets?

It is too bad the only things we can't avoid in life are death and taxes.....LOL

[Evanna]

lol, i see that i did right off last night. And then got all prickly when no-one would indulge me in my fears. You are, of course, quite right in what you say Nandm.