Connecting with other recovering women...

[DWR]

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum, and I need some girlie advice.

I have been in recovery for nearly 2 years, and in that time I have made more connections with men than with women in aa and na. In my using days I had more male friends than female friends, because I felt that I could not relate to women. In retrospect I realise that it was all a question of "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer", and would surround myself with men to feel safe from them.

Of course this does not work, because inevitably I chose codependent men who started to act out in a controlling manner. Today I understand the importance of connecting with more women in recovery, and I have a female sponsor who has been working with me from day 1. But it feels foreign to share intimately with women and not sure about how to go about sticking with them. I am curious as to how people got over this issue (if they had any) -- and any suggestions for someone who lives in a town where most of the aa/na meetings are attended by men.

[nandm]

What has worked best for me over the years is being willing to stick my neck out and introduce myself to women I see at meetings. I have found that this worked better for me personally than going to women only meetings. I have found that most people are glad when you introduce yourself as they are just as afraid or uncomfortable at meeting new people as you are. It does get easier the more you do it.

One thing that might help to make it easier at least it does for me is to really listen when women share in a meeting. Listen to them more than once. See if they are consistent with what they are saying, are they sharing like they live the philosphy of the program outside the doors of A.A., are their similiarities between you (even small ones), do they possess the qualities I would like to see more of in myself? So far by using this as a guideline I have been successful at building a strong support group of women around me.

Good luck. By the way there are a lot of women here that have a great quality of sobriety. So you have already increased your support group of women just by posting here.

[51anna]

Hi DWR,

Welcome!

This issue is really interesting to me.

I never felt close to women and always chose men as friends. I felt so unsure of myself around women and I think I felt more in control around men. When I stopped drinking, I was lucky enough to meet a few really amazing women. I realize looking back, that I became open to connecting with women, without realizing it. It must have been my HP guiding me because it wasn't planned, but just happened. Anyways, I quickly realized what I had been missing and I have found so much comfort in talking with women and with the wisdom the women from this board have shared with me.

[Evanna]

Hi DWR,
Welcome. I am not great at being intimate with other women. So i tend to opt more for having a laugh and 'doing' things with other women rather than going for intimately sharing. I dont do the whole coffee shop thing because i couldnt stand it but i am always up for hiking about in the countryside, playing in the sea, cycling etc. Even though there is not much soul baring going on i still seem to gain a great deal of inner confidence from these friendships. So i guess i am saying i have dealt with it by not putting too much pressure on myself for intimacy and just hanging out with women doing the things i love. I guess for me that is what intimacy is mainly anyway.

Warm Regards
Evanna

[Rowan]

Hi DWR,

There are many recovering women in my area, but there are also many recovering men. In early recovery (and beyond), I sought out men for companionship and solace. I wasn't even really aware of this - I mean, I had always had men as friends.

I eventually joined a women's group, and got active there in service work. This really helped me to connect with other women, because even though I had a female sponsor and a few female 'acquaintances', I had few women friends.

It's one of those things that take time. If we don't feel entirely comfortable with women, being honest with that is a good first step. Many women come to my home group and say just that - and they keep coming - and start going for coffee or walks together.

Is there a women-only group in your area? If not, why not start one?

Bottom line, for me, is that there is nothing wrong with having male friends, but we are losing out on a real gift by not having connections with other women. I think we have a lot to teach one another.

Rowan

[DWR]

Thank you everyone for your comments/support. I go to our one and only women's group when I am not working that day, but the numbers have been very small (we usually have 4 or 5). I know of almost every female addict/alcoholic in my town for this reason, but as Evanna mentions I have more difficulty with intimacy w/women. (and men for that matter!)

I have a good idea about why I have intimacy issues, so I guess I will start with the honesty part and tell the ladies in our group that I don't connect with them that much. I am sure that so long as I am open to conneting with women, HP will show me the way to the right people in my life. (what am I talking about -- I'm already HERE!)

[CarolD]

Hi and Welcome!

I too found it easier to talk at men
than to be open to listening to women.

Geez! women talk about feelings...

I now make it a point to sit with women in meetings
Also...socialize with them later.
It's a new whole world of sharing and relating...:wow:

Glad your here with us...

[indigo]

I'm glad to see you posting here on the Womens Forum, we do have fun as well as sharing our hopes, fears and triumphs. I have a feeling you might just get to like our comraderie and genuine concern.

[Fluttering]

DWR

Connecting with women is hard..Often it is , for me it was fear..They can see through my BS...But when I became willing to make changes I discovered that was exactly what I needed
I am so happy you are here. Great topic!!! I cannot remember who said it but there is a quote I like.."behind every great man is a greater woman".

There is a great deal of empowerment by being connected with other woman.

Please keep posting.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Hi DWR,

I felt exactly the same way. I have trust issues surrounding women that stem from my childhood. So, when I first came into the rooms, I hung out with the guys.

I was lucky enough to find a great BB meeting with solid sobriety and a bunch of wonderful, welcoming, women. I got up the nerve to ask one woman to sponsor me, and it's been going pretty well, once I started communicating lol.

Good luck to you!

Karen

[51anna]

I think intimacy issues are fairly common amongst addicts and I know I had big issues with women. Just be yourself and things will work out for you.

[DWR]

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for your positive comments. Just as a follow-up: I went to the women's meeting tonight and had a good time. I shared with the women how I felt, and many of them shared with me how it took them a while to connect with other women too. We went out for dinner afterwards (which is quite rare), and had a great time. We had such a laugh that we are planning to do something next week.

You're right, sometimes it takes for me to jump in and share what is going on in my head.

[indigo]

Way to go, congrats.

[Fluttering]

DWR

That is fantastic

very happy for you..