"Women only."

[serenitarium]

I can't tell you how much that scares me.

My mother left when I was 4 and I was raised by my dad. My mom is severely mentally ill and an addict. She came around in spurts and me, being a little girl wanting her mommy, I spent as much time with her as I could, against my fathers wishes. She rolled me my first joint, poured me my first drink and gave me an introduction to sex when she would come home loaded with a man she met at a bar, get into the bed I was sleeping in and forget I was there until they were finished. (Me? Resentful? Nooooo!) It wasn't until I was 13 when I realized that something wasn't right.

Suffice to say, I was never taught how to do my hair or wear make-up or how to shop for a bra - I had to learn those things all on my own. I didn't own a dress until I went to prom and I finally figured out how to braid my hair when I was 16. I was always the tomboy, "one of the guys." I didn't have a positive female figure in my life and I never really had "girlfriends" growing up. For most of my adolescence, the only friends I had were boys. When I reached my teenage years there were very few women that I could trust or get close to because, in my head, women always left. I always saw women as being catty and conniving.

I started using way back then and I didn't stop until 5 months ago. When I first got sober, a girl offered to be my sponsor. What did I know? It was my first meeting, I was going through DT's and kind of accepted the first hand that offered to "feed me" because I was so utterly afraid of everything. To make a long story short, I begin to really trust her. She was there for my first 30 days, took me to meetings, made sure I was eating and answered my calls. Out of the blue, she kind of ditched me for another sponsee. (Read: abandoned by another woman I tried to trust.)

For the last 4 months I have been doing this on my own. In all of my meetings, I hear, "sponsor this, sponsor that. The only way you can make it through is with a sponsor." So I started getting down on myself because I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything - like being sober wasn't enough to get me through tomorrow. I haven't made any friends in AA because I am an anti-social butterfly and the idea of communicating with anyone scares the hell out of me.

Tonight at a meeting I saw a girl I knew from a long time ago and she offered to be my sponsor. She has 6 years of sobriety under her belt and went on and on about how much her life has changed. She could tell I was uneasy and told me to come to a women's meeting tomorrow morning. HOLD EVERYTHING! A women's meeting? All....women? My worst fear?

So I decided I am going to try to go - because I want this. I want sobriety so bad I can taste it. I want a life, I want a family, I want a future.

Sure, maybe I just had a bad experience with an inexperienced sponsor and perhaps I should get over it an try again. But how do I get over it? How do I learn how to trust women when all my life they have been my enemy?

I'm sorry for such a long post and if you are reading this, thanks for listening.

[barb dwyer]

Hi -

I'm just glad to read you're goin gto any meetings - that's a GREAT thing for you!

What the heck - give it a try ...

I also had a very abusive mother, and it took years of self - teaching to come as far as I have along these lines; which isn't very far, just in a far better place than I started.
I didnt have YOUR experience, but the damage - could be similar.

You'll be fine. The worst that can happen is you learn something.
Makes it way easier for me to jump when I think of it that way.

[indigo]

You are doing the right thing IMO and I wish you the very best, keep on posting here.

[juliee]

This is a situation a therapist might could help. Help you work through the past hurts. I can't imagine how hard not having a Mom around must be, but, sharing and opening up about it is HUGE! My very best to you. Julie

[Rowan]

I've always been afraid of women, didn't trust them, etc. That has changed today. It took a long time to let women in to my life, and I do understand how past trauma can affect such a decision. I really do understand.
My home group is a women's meeting and it's the highlight of my week. I know many other women who force themselves to come because they have such a fear of women, yet know how much we can help one another. It's been rewarding to see them grow and to trust.
If you're not sure about this gal sponsoring you, why not agree to let her temporarily sponsor you, until you decide she's a good fit?
BTW I'm really proud of you for going to meetings and for facing your fears despite such a traumatic upbringing.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you continue to do so.

Rowan

[51anna]

I also didn't believe I could have women as friends either. After I got sober that changed very quickly, and when I look back, I realize a lot of the problem was me. I was attracting the wrong kind of person. As you recover and begin to really love yourself, you will bring good people, women and men, into your life.

[daydream]

Serenitarium, I'm glad to see you here and posting about your fears. I had not a single positive female in my life who didn't hurt or abandon me until I got to AA and NA. I have developed some wonderful relationships with women there, but I have also experienced heartache. None of us sign up for recovery with great morals (imo). We all still have character defects, no matter how long sober/clean. But, I have found many women who will stick with me through thick and thin, who will work to reconcile a friendship in conflict instead of throwing it away, who have NEVER repeated my deepest secrets even when we were at odds. Finding these relationships entails a certain amount of risk, but is soooo worth it. Just like any good bean, fruit, vegetable or nut, if ya never risk eating it because one might be bad, ya never get to experience the delicious ones. Okay, maybe that sounded corny, but that's okay today

[Fluttering]

Serenitarium

Thank You for sharing and allowing us to get to know you.

How? One step at a time. Trsut was a big deal for many of us...

The fact that you are willing is the first step. you are doing great!!!
Keep it simple honey...Many of us complicated it...I did...Remember you gotta learn to crawl before you can learn to walk

Pls keep us posted on your progress.

Glad to have you on this journey with us

[CarolD]

Thanks for sharing....Well Done on your sober time!

Before you get another sponsor...please read
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"

it's usually on the free literature rack at meetings.

Enjoy your new meeting...relax and let your recovery flow.
Blessings

[indigo]

You've got friends now and we won't hurt or abandon you, we're here and we hear. How are you feeling today?

[daydream]

Serenitarium, I'm here looking for ya, watching for an update. Hope you are well.

[serenitarium]

I did it. I went to a women's meeting. I paced back & forth for about 15 minutes in front of the church until I went in a sat waaaaay in the back by myself, head down, hat on, staring at the floor. I refused to make eye contact with anyone. AND NONE OF YOU WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE!! LOL. A well-known LA celebrity bombarded me and sat me in the front, next to her. Suffice to say, I got through the meeting, in tears the whole time. Why was I crying? I have no idea! It was so emotional that I had to go to another meeting right after just to get over the prior one. Anyway - I accepted the offer of a sponsor and tonight I am going to meet with her to dicuss what it means for her to sponsor me. I am going to another women's meeting tonight, at the demand of my new sponsor and I'm sure I will cry like a baby and want to run out the door before we begin the serenity prayer. I feel like I am in my first days of sobriety all over again and I can't help but wonder when this pain is going to end.

[janied]

Serenium.

You are so brave, even if you don't feel courageous right now.

I totally understand how you feel about women and my mom sounds like a lighter version of your mom. Further, we have a pattern of maternal abandonment that goes back at least three generations on my mom's side of the family. My sister and I intentionally broke the cycle in our own families.

Anyway, you are not alone and there are good women out there. You will learn to recognize them as you grow.

Take care and keep posting! Congrats on your sobriety!

Jane

[janied]

Oops, spelled your name wrong. Sorry!!!

[Fluttering]

serenitarium

The emotionalism and the tears are really ok.. tears are cleansing...And laughter heals. I hope you stay with us to allso share in the joy and laughter..

Today we get to allow ourselves to feel all our emotions.

many hugs

[Max.J.Milton]

My mum was exactly the same, only difference is i still live with her.

my heart goes out to you

Love,
Moose x

[justjo]

I am actually about to say thanks for this post. You know you made me stop and think. I was the same as you to a point and I could never figure it out. I grew up not trusting females too and I seem to get along better with males. I never could figure this out.
Long story, cut short but I was never that close to my mum growing up, it was like she was in her own little world and I looked after my father while she worked.
I wasnt close to either parents, it was like I just existed, you know.

Anyhow, too long a story, you can trust women you know. I learnt to but I was nearly 45 before I could. Because I couldnt bitch if you know what I mean, would I fit in, do they like me, was I up to their standard. I considered myself a loner and I still am. I now have female friends but growing up I never had female or male friends because I figured you rely on no one and dont trust them either.

There are going to be people whatever gender you wont like or trust , thats the norm. But somewhere along the line, you have to let your guard down slowly. Slowly but surely get to know someone and if you feel you trust them on the surface, pretty much it can be ok. Dont worry about if you think they will like you or not, cos that was one of my main concerns, would I fit in? But it doesnt matter.

Sounds like you had it pretty touch with your mum, so heres a big hug ok. Now, thats geniune, cos I feel for you ok.
See, us women can trust each other. Forgive your mum for her recklessness and move forward in your life. Sometimes if I think about things like this, It helps me to grow. This person is a victim of their own envirnoment, therefore I will make my environment a healthy place to be and I will learn from all experiences in my life to better my own.