Married to another recovering alcoholic - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

gr8tful2day · 07-04-2007, 06:59 AM

Hello Ladies,

I am Leah and I am an Alcoholic. My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 5. We are both sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonomous.

There have been alot of problems as of late due to my husband being dry. We almost split up in March due to some "side addictions" of his. Now he is seeking help and things are on the mend. However the problem now is me...suprise suprise. I am having a really hard time letting go. Just when I think I am giving it up, something will trigger the pain and frusteration and I will go on a very damaging verbal attack on him. I wake up in the morning feeling as though I drank the night before. His acting out was in a sexual nature and this is not the first time. I dont know if it is my inability to let go, or that it is just too little too late.

I know my problem lies in step three, but everyday is such a struggle, and I want to be happy joyous and free again.

Anyone else out there, gone through anything like this? Where your spirituality just went straight into the pooper after many years of sobriety? ARGH! Anger, the dubious luxury of normal men! UG!

Help?
Leah

**51anna** · 07-04-2007, 07:14 AM

Hi Leah and Welcome,

I think that recovery can often be up and down and it doesn't always go smoothly.

Do you mean that your husband cheated on you during your marriage? If this is so, it's normal to have a lot of anger and resentment. Have you considered counselling for you as a couple or just for yourself to help you work through the anger issues?

gr8tful2day · 07-04-2007, 07:22 AM

I am seeing a counsellor and he is starting to see one sometime this month..a psychiatrist I believe. I feel like I am supposed to get over it, and stop having these melt downs on him since I have chosen to stay with him, but I also feel so tired of being the one to do all the work. I am starting to not only hate him but myself. I would love to go to a marriage counsellor, but between AA meetings, my counsellor, his counsellor and our sons counselling (another story) there is just no time. I am so tired of the drama.

liveweyerd · 07-04-2007, 07:26 AM

There are some very good books that address this issue...since you have so many commitments.

**51anna** · 07-04-2007, 07:29 AM

I believe you shouldn't have to do all the work. It should be both of you trying to deal with this situation. One person cannot fix a marriage. Nor should you just get over it, if you don't feel you can. Can you accept what has happened, feel the anger and disappointment and then let go? That's really hard to do.

namommy · 07-04-2007, 08:22 AM

I'm married to another recovering addict. We've been married for 10 years. There have been things that he has done that I find I have a hard time forgiving him for. He hasn't cheated on me, I don't think I would stay in that situation, but I know many women who have.

I continue to the best of my ability to work my program. (he really hasn't had a personal program in a long time.) He goes to meetings now and then, but doesn't work with a sponsor or do step work, so basically he is 'dry' as you put it.

I was taught that you either grow together, or you grow apart. You will stay in the situation until the pain gets great enough. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of moving on, then you will do something about it.

In the meantime, continue with your therapist, go to your meetings, work with your sponsor and doing step work, and continue your personal growth. One of 2 things will happen. He will see you growing without him, and get his butt in gear, or he won't, but by then you will be strong enough to make a healthy decision about what you want to do.

I've learned that laying down ultimatums and insisting that he work a program or see a therapist don't work. I've decided for now that I can put up with some things, and I stay and work on me. I go my way and do my things, he goes his way and does his things, and then we have a few things that we still enjoy together.

Do the right thing for YOURSELF, and it will work out the way it is supposed to work out.

Hope this helps.
Laurie

laurie6781 · 07-04-2007, 08:31 AM

Welcome to SR Leah, you have found a great place, to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry, and share your own ES&H.

When I was 3 years sober and married to a Recovering A, my sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon.

Well let me tell you, it was the best dang thing I ever did for my own recovery. Not only did it improve my recovery overall, but it certainly gave me a new perspective on life, on living life, and how to live with the alcoholics and addicts in my life whether they are in recovery or not.

Helped tremendously with working with my sponsees, and yes helped in the marriage.

You might want to try Alanon Leah, I promise it sure won't hurt your recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

gr8tful2day · 07-04-2007, 08:31 AM

Thanks, I needed to hear that, and I suppose that is what we have been trying to accomplish. His habits as far as I know have never been in the physical, but in March I found many different ads on websites for local sex partners. There were pics (including his face) and our location to boot. Some days are better than others, but I find it so hard not to lash out when I feel the effects it has had on my self esteem, which I recognize is the result of my own spiritual deteriorization. I will keep working on it...going to my first alanon meeting today. Im hoping it will help ...Thanks again.
Leah

gr8tful2day · 07-04-2007, 08:32 AM

ps..I just wish it didnt hurt so much.

**Rowan** · 07-04-2007, 09:00 AM

I'm glad that you're here, Leah, and hope that you keep posting. BTW I'm in Barrie - there are some great Al-Anon meetings in this area - I hope that you find one that suits you.

Rowan

gr8tful2day · 07-04-2007, 09:14 AM

Im in Barrie too...I was just looking at the Alanon website and I think I am going to the Noon meeting at the Collier St. United Church (side door)
112 Collier St.

Im willing to do what it takes to get my mind back! lol

**Rowan** · 07-04-2007, 09:43 AM

My home group is at that church - downstairs on Thursday nights - Thursday night womens

namommy · 07-04-2007, 05:12 PM

Sounds like you two need to hook up. God puts people in our lives for a reason.

gr8tful2day · 07-05-2007, 06:02 AM

Thanks so much for your advice, I went to my first meeting of Alanon, although it felt a little strange for me as I walked past all the alcoholics going to the AA meeting in the same building, they looked a little confused as I kept on walking after shaking a few hands..lol..But I am so glad I did. I think I have truly found some place I relate.
I am feeling a little better today, it always helps to know there is help and understanding when you feel so alone. ( Even though I know I always have my god, we dont always agree on what I need! haha..Rowan I am going to try and make it on Tuesday..maybe we could have a coffee

**Rowan** · 07-05-2007, 06:14 AM

Hi Leah,

I'm glad you went to the Al-Anon meeting and that it was a positive experience! I think I need to start going again myself.
The women's meeting is tonight at 7 pm downstairs - I'll be there early to set up - I hope to see you there - and yes lets have coffee

gr8tful2day · 07-05-2007, 06:19 AM

Oh I thought it was tuesday for some reason, I will try and make it. Might not be able to though, I was out to a meeting in Barrie last night. I have two children, and I dont like to be gone too too often. I was in Barrie last night for AA.
Talk to you soon.
Leah

07-04-2007, 06:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	Married to another recovering alcoholic Hello Ladies, I am Leah and I am an Alcoholic. My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 5. We are both sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonomous. There have been alot of problems as of late due to my husband being dry. We almost split up in March due to some "side addictions" of his. Now he is seeking help and things are on the mend. However the problem now is me...suprise suprise. I am having a really hard time letting go. Just when I think I am giving it up, something will trigger the pain and frusteration and I will go on a very damaging verbal attack on him. I wake up in the morning feeling as though I drank the night before. His acting out was in a sexual nature and this is not the first time. I dont know if it is my inability to let go, or that it is just too little too late. I know my problem lies in step three, but everyday is such a struggle, and I want to be happy joyous and free again. Anyone else out there, gone through anything like this? Where your spirituality just went straight into the pooper after many years of sobriety? ARGH! Anger, the dubious luxury of normal men! UG! Help? Leah

07-04-2007, 07:14 AM	#2 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,018	Hi Leah and Welcome, I think that recovery can often be up and down and it doesn't always go smoothly. Do you mean that your husband cheated on you during your marriage? If this is so, it's normal to have a lot of anger and resentment. Have you considered counselling for you as a couple or just for yourself to help you work through the anger issues? __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

07-04-2007, 07:26 AM	#4 (permalink)
liveweyerd Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: central Florida Posts: 7,210 Blog Entries: 5	There are some very good books that address this issue...since you have so many commitments. __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

07-04-2007, 07:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,018	I believe you shouldn't have to do all the work. It should be both of you trying to deal with this situation. One person cannot fix a marriage. Nor should you just get over it, if you don't feel you can. Can you accept what has happened, feel the anger and disappointment and then let go? That's really hard to do. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

07-04-2007, 08:22 AM	#6 (permalink)
namommy Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Never, Never land Posts: 2,711	I'm married to another recovering addict. We've been married for 10 years. There have been things that he has done that I find I have a hard time forgiving him for. He hasn't cheated on me, I don't think I would stay in that situation, but I know many women who have. I continue to the best of my ability to work my program. (he really hasn't had a personal program in a long time.) He goes to meetings now and then, but doesn't work with a sponsor or do step work, so basically he is 'dry' as you put it. I was taught that you either grow together, or you grow apart. You will stay in the situation until the pain gets great enough. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of moving on, then you will do something about it. In the meantime, continue with your therapist, go to your meetings, work with your sponsor and doing step work, and continue your personal growth. One of 2 things will happen. He will see you growing without him, and get his butt in gear, or he won't, but by then you will be strong enough to make a healthy decision about what you want to do. I've learned that laying down ultimatums and insisting that he work a program or see a therapist don't work. I've decided for now that I can put up with some things, and I stay and work on me. I go my way and do my things, he goes his way and does his things, and then we have a few things that we still enjoy together. Do the right thing for YOURSELF, and it will work out the way it is supposed to work out. Hope this helps. Laurie __________________ I came into this program to save my a** and found out it was attached to my soul. --Anonymous

07-04-2007, 07:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	I am seeing a counsellor and he is starting to see one sometime this month..a psychiatrist I believe. I feel like I am supposed to get over it, and stop having these melt downs on him since I have chosen to stay with him, but I also feel so tired of being the one to do all the work. I am starting to not only hate him but myself. I would love to go to a marriage counsellor, but between AA meetings, my counsellor, his counsellor and our sons counselling (another story) there is just no time. I am so tired of the drama.

07-04-2007, 08:31 AM	#7 (permalink)
laurie6781 Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: New Mexico Posts: 1,781	Welcome to SR Leah, you have found a great place, to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry, and share your own ES&H. When I was 3 years sober and married to a Recovering A, my sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon. Well let me tell you, it was the best dang thing I ever did for my own recovery. Not only did it improve my recovery overall, but it certainly gave me a new perspective on life, on living life, and how to live with the alcoholics and addicts in my life whether they are in recovery or not. Helped tremendously with working with my sponsees, and yes helped in the marriage. You might want to try Alanon Leah, I promise it sure won't hurt your recovery. J M H O Love and hugs, __________________ God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road Of Happy Destiny (especially when you trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)

07-04-2007, 08:31 AM	#8 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	Thanks, I needed to hear that, and I suppose that is what we have been trying to accomplish. His habits as far as I know have never been in the physical, but in March I found many different ads on websites for local sex partners. There were pics (including his face) and our location to boot. Some days are better than others, but I find it so hard not to lash out when I feel the effects it has had on my self esteem, which I recognize is the result of my own spiritual deteriorization. I will keep working on it...going to my first alanon meeting today. Im hoping it will help ...Thanks again. Leah

07-04-2007, 08:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	ps..I just wish it didnt hurt so much.

07-04-2007, 09:00 AM	#10 (permalink)
Rowan Social Network Moderator Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 8,911	I'm glad that you're here, Leah, and hope that you keep posting. BTW I'm in Barrie - there are some great Al-Anon meetings in this area - I hope that you find one that suits you. Rowan

07-04-2007, 09:14 AM	#11 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	Im in Barrie too...I was just looking at the Alanon website and I think I am going to the Noon meeting at the Collier St. United Church (side door) 112 Collier St. Im willing to do what it takes to get my mind back! lol

07-04-2007, 09:43 AM	#12 (permalink)
Rowan Social Network Moderator Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 8,911	My home group is at that church - downstairs on Thursday nights - Thursday night womens

07-04-2007, 05:12 PM	#13 (permalink)
namommy Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Never, Never land Posts: 2,711	Sounds like you two need to hook up. God puts people in our lives for a reason. __________________ I came into this program to save my a** and found out it was attached to my soul. --Anonymous

07-05-2007, 06:02 AM	#14 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	My first Alanon Meeting Thanks so much for your advice, I went to my first meeting of Alanon, although it felt a little strange for me as I walked past all the alcoholics going to the AA meeting in the same building, they looked a little confused as I kept on walking after shaking a few hands..lol..But I am so glad I did. I think I have truly found some place I relate. I am feeling a little better today, it always helps to know there is help and understanding when you feel so alone. ( Even though I know I always have my god, we dont always agree on what I need! haha..Rowan I am going to try and make it on Tuesday..maybe we could have a coffee

07-05-2007, 06:14 AM	#15 (permalink)
Rowan Social Network Moderator Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 8,911	Hi Leah, I'm glad you went to the Al-Anon meeting and that it was a positive experience! I think I need to start going again myself. The women's meeting is tonight at 7 pm downstairs - I'll be there early to set up - I hope to see you there - and yes lets have coffee

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07-05-2007, 06:19 AM	#16 (permalink)
gr8tful2day Lovinlife Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Ontario Posts: 22	Oh I thought it was tuesday for some reason, I will try and make it. Might not be able to though, I was out to a meeting in Barrie last night. I have two children, and I dont like to be gone too too often. I was in Barrie last night for AA. Talk to you soon. Leah

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