confusion..may trigger

[thiskidknows]

Feeling like ur so alone, surrounded by movement
people are talking, people moving, birds singing
but u feel so alone
u don't feel the words spoken, u don't sense the movement
your walkiing down the street, but ur path feels empty
so empty, so disserted, but theirs people, they surround you
so what is this feeling, is it madness, lonelyness, confusion
what is happening when u feel nothing towards something
The voices that are spoken, the kids laughter in the streets
u hear them but they don't seem real, where is the place?
The people don't seem real, nothing seems or feels real.
where is this place I've fallen upon?

Where is this place that I go to when I've lost control
or an emoition has become to powerful?
I start drinking and its me, but by the end of the nite
as I start to feel depressed, as the urges are out of control
its not me, I know I'm doing it, but I don't stop I have no control
be it with pills or my dear friend blade
once the thought is there I can't stop it, or reason with it.
When I start to feel depressed without the drink,
I feel myself getting lower, the thoughts get deeper
I know its happen, but I can't snap out of it
it doesn't feel like me.
with the thoughts of pills and my friend blade
I can't control the urges, I can't fight the pain.
When I start to feel myself get angry, I start to think
thinking of everything that has gone wrong in my life
I start to torment myself, telling me its all my fault
shouting at myself, telling myself it was love, and I have it all wrong
telling myself that my family hate me, telling myself that I am no good.
then the thoughts get deeper and someone says something small and innocent
yet I see fire, and I just go, but I have no control over the thoughts I put in my head
its like I feel angry and I need to be punished and have mentally, possibly emotionally worked
out how to do this, yet I don't feel connected with the feelings.
I have no control once the fuel starts to ignite the fire.
once the fire is lit, and then explodes nothing of what happens do I remember.
I don't understand why I can't let an emotion go and little bit but put some control on it, without the need to head for the pills or my friend blade. when I head for the pills, I do want it over..I've tried the blade but this time he wasn't a friend and the release and the need to see the pain hadn't gone, or didn't work then I get into deep thoughts with my family hating me, moving away, I feel i'm failing at work, I'm failng everyone, I believe they would be better without me in the world..I don't even feel guilty, I do after sometimes but not always that makes me such a nasty person...but isn't it my pain that counts, they won't even acknowledge my pain, they blame me for everything so I find it difficult when I get in an extreme mood to understand why I'm still here.

[justjo]

This will sound harsh..
You have control, total control over your feelings, your thoughts and your actions. I have read your message and I hear you sitting on the pity pot.
Sorry I have read your threads and I do understand where you have been and what you have gone through. It is terrible, I know! You have actually answered most of your own questions if you read it again.

You dont hear anything or see anything because you choose not to. The numbness has taken over. They dont hate you, they are your family and they dont blame you. You blame you. They sound like one mixed up bunch of people but that does not have to be you. You can, I know you can move forward. Stop looking for an excuse to join their madness, look for an excuse to move on.
Write down the good things about yourself. Dont even look at what you think its bad. You only think bad thoughts because you cant handle it right now.
Do you have any good friends you can lean on.
Listen to what people are saying on here. Everyone will have different ideas and that is great. Actually take in what they say.
Chin Up.

[IO Storm]

The alcohol and drugs are talking.

I used to write beautiful things too last year on this site...

different name..same illness.

At least you are honest about it. So, armed with the knowledge

of your current state...you must seek help ..to get clean and

sober. It will only get worse..until you do.

May angels watch over you LC until then.

Oh, and that guy isn't worth it the pain.