sorry

[thiskidknows]

All I do is complain, i'm stuck in a vicious circle that I can't break from..I wasn't able to talk to my doctor, I just completley shut down which is what I keep doing, everytime I want to speak I switch off, shut down..I don't seem to be able to talk about me when i'm face to face with them. I tried to stop drinkig I went 1 day and feeling a failure at the doctors, feelin dirty, horrible after counselling I went straight to the pub for a drink. I'm takin more and more tramadol and paracetmol a day on top of the drink i feel out of it all the time, I'm not in control. I feel so dirty I have a flashback and I drink, I have difficult emotions and I drink, I self medicate because I feel I have to be punished for my syns, I have to suffer a slow painful death..I don't seem to be able to get a grip. I really want to give up but my heart won't let me. does it really get better or is this it? sorry

[Anna]

Hi Lost,

It will get better, but you have to make it happen. And, you can. Since you are going to counselling, it would be ideal for you to express your concerns to your counsellor. Have you gotten your dr's okay to stop drinking? If so, then you can begin by not drinking today and the change will start.

[Toomutch]

Hi Lost,

Please do not feel like you are complaining; many of us have been there.

I will be happy to listen to you any time.

[thiskidknows]

I've been told to cut down and not stop because of the withdrawals, I've also been advised and a letter has been sent to them (because last time I didn't go, I need appointments i'm not good with drop ins) for drink/drug counselling but u have to have an assessment first and then wait to be seen if accepted.

I'm not allowed any help with medication probably a good thing because of my tendancies when I have been allowed, my records has sui*ide attempts all over it and she let me see it, I'm a high risk..labels all over my records for everyone to see..I didn't mention the self medicating I couldn't she would be disgusted with me, she only knows how much I drink because I had to complete a form.

I have told my counsellor how difficult I find it to talk, and she did she will be there when I'm ready and she will support me, she is good I just don't seem to be able to speak. sorry, I have the support but something inside won't accept it, part of me still believes that I'm not worth it. Sorry

[lanie67]

You don't have to be perfect. You are trying and you are on the path, just don't give up. The words will come. Perhaps try writing the feelings down,that is something I find to be really helpful to me although I never think it will help me much at all. Alot of us have those 'not worthy' feelings, but you can still push forward despite *feeling* not worthy, or whatever. Like they are wont to say in AA, feelings aren't facts. You can feel just about anything and just keep moving forward, which is what you are doing by posting this here, it shows an awareness of where you are that many people would be envious of. ((((hugs))))

[indigo]

lost you are so worth it. You have a good counsellor who will help speak for you, self-medicating is really very common and usually a symptom of an underlying cause.
It is not your counsellor's job to be disgusted, nor anyone else's, she is doing a job, a service. Please try and open up a little it really helps doctors etc. to pinpoint the problem. Please don't stop posting as you are among friends who understand and are still fighting or have fought their own battles. We are here and we care.
hugs indigo