Is it okay for my boyfriend to keep close connections with other women?

[rcvrygirl]

I am in recovery and so is my boyfriend. We are in our 40's and 50's and neither has ever been married. I love him very much but am suffering over the fact that he maintains a very close relationship with one 'friend' from recovery. He calls her everyday before or after he calls me.
He will not give up calling and maintaining relationships with other recovery women and even some of his ex girlfriends.
Am I wrong in feeling jealous over this? I try to understand but know in my heart I would like to have someone who values me enough to let go of these past women and be dedicated to me.
I am not saying he could not talk to them at all. Just don't go making an effort to call them on a regular basis.
I cannot seem to see his side no matter how hard I try. Something in my gut says no. We are planning to see a counselor as a last effort to save our relationship.
I would love to hear some of your opinions on this matter.
Peace

[51anna]

It sounds to me like he is not respecting your feelings. I think you are reasonable to ask him to not call other women regularly and he is not respecting you. From your post, it sounds like you know what your boundaries are and what you want and he is not listening.

Good luck with the counselling.

[scootinbabe]

no. it is not okay. you don't feel right about it and, if you've discussed this with him, he apparently thinks that these relationships are more important than your feelings.

if he is talking about intimate personal feelings with them, he may be having what is referred to an emotional affair. put up your boundaries and stick to them. your gut instinct is guiding you.

all best to you.

[WalkOfFaith]

Been there - done that - got the T-Shirt! I can tell you that the possibility that your boyfriend and his female friend from recovery are creating/maintaining an emotional affair is very real. He needs to know how you are feeling about this. If he values your feelings and insecurities he will let this one go. There are plenty of other recovery buddies he can connect with who are not women. When my SO got out of rehab he began to maintain a "friendship" with a woman member of his group. She definitely was pursuing more than a just friends relationship. Fortunately, he realized this early on and after repeatedly asking her to stop calling and contacting him, he had to resort to having a friend tell her he was in jail! It still didn't stop her! Bottom line, addicts lie. He wanted to be her friend but I think he got caught up in the hero thing. She, being very sick, thought he was her rock! Can you imagine? How can someone who is in rehab truly consider another rehab member a source of strength and stability? They are in the same place.

I was fortunate in that my SO realized where this "friend" was going with her feelings and put an end to it - in whatever way necessary. There are intimacies that are shared in an emotional relationship that in my opinion can and do jeopardize what we are trying to rebuild with our partners - the intimacy, the trust, a healthy and respectful relationship. It sounds like your partner is not giving enough thought to your feelings on this. I'd really try to communicate just how his maintaining this
friendship makes you feel and if he still doesn't care or still insists on continuing it then that's the reality. New sobriety is NO PLACE for new relationships with the opposite sex......

My thoughts are with you.....I hope you can get the courage to communicate to your partner honestly about your feelings and I hope he realizes what he is jeopardizing. sending hugs......

[indigo]

As Anna said , he's not respecting your wishes, perhaps he has commitment issues, whatever the reason you are right to want to get things sorted out. Counselling is a good move.

[Fluttering]

I agree with the others and I have ben where you are. Respect has got to be an integral part of each relationship or it will not last.. Respect and trust are so very important.
It sounds as if you have done your best to try to understand. Even if he cops out on the counseling--do it for you becasue you are worth it.

[BigSis]

Is it ok?

Doesn't matter if it is ok with me... would it suddenly feel "ok" if I said - oh yeah, everybody has relationships like that today! My guess is.... my opinion wouldn't change how you feel.

If it isn't ok with you, and you have discussed it with him and he is not willing to give up those friends....then the real question is what are you going to do?

My mom has always been so selfish that I never looked closely at how she did things.... I just tried to be better and different (egad, what EGO I have!).

Recently, I noticed something about my mom... she gets what she wants..... a lot!!

She is single, and I watched her through a couple three relationships... she sets boundaries, and she walks if they are violated.... and she "walks" without much talk or discussion. The only discussion is THEM coming to HER to tell her they've changed.

That amazed me.

Then I watched closer and I realized she believes, absolutely, that she deserves a man who will respect her boundaries. She doesn't doubt it for minute (that I can see).

The woman is pretty amazing. And today I know I can learn a LOT from her.

I wish you the best....(((hugs)))

[lanie67]

That is an interesting story about your mom, Big Sis. Wow. I so wish that I could be that way and someday I hope to be. I'm almost 40 so I almost don't care anymore. As far as the original post, I don't know because I am not much of a phone talker, and I've never been with anyone who is a phone talker. And if they were, the only person I'd want them calling every blasted day would be me (and their sponsor if it was required). People are of course very different, but that behavior is just foreign to me, the AT&T stuff, so maybe I am not the best person to judge. But I do know that when the still small voice in my gut tells me something is off-kilter, it usually is. The last emotional involvement I had with a man some things were definitely off and I didn't listen to that voice, and boy do I regret it.

[Cynay]

You know ... Im having an issue lately with this as well.

How the heck do you just let go of the person you so care about....

He has a friendship that he wanted to be more... she on the other hand did not see it the same way and does not want to be with him at all.... so they call themselves friends... yet he can not let go of her and it totally effects us. Our relationship has ended 4 times now because of his feelings for her.

I want to stop caring cuz it hurts too much, but I have not been able too....

[teej]

Hang in there, and please do tell what the counselor says about it.

[rcvrygirl]

Thank you so much for the posts. This is my second day on here and man I can
feel the warmth already! You ladies rock.
As the counseling day draws nearer, the fear grows. I can only hope for the best.
I already have choosen to continue with the counseling even if the relationship ends.
I think I need counseling considering what I have put up with thus far.
I still feel I love this man very much and have hope it will work but that might be
just the optimist in me - Thanks again to all who posted!

[Fluttering]

rcverygirl

Just know you are not alone as you walk into the counseling appointment. Try not to allow the fear to be in control.. .Easier said than done, right? If we allow fear to control us, we are never really free. When we stand up for ourselves, even if we stqqand alone, the fear looses its control on us.
Also, whether you know it or not...you are not alone as yu walk in there. You8 may not know God...but he knows you and is right there beside you. You may not see us...but we are also there in thought, love and prayers.

[justjo]

Understand this - He is not committed to you. He is using you for other reasons ?? (a place to stay, money, security who knows)
I dont know how long you have been with him but forget him. Why put yourself through all of this.
There is someone out there for that special you. No guy plays women like this with a conscious. You deserve someone to care about just you. Its ok to have opposite sex acquaintances, but friends usually means more than friends, I believe.
I know through experience , when they meet other people in these places, they connect only because they relate to the drinking side of things. Usually it is sexual too, and some one who is taking notice of them.
Tell him to stop or kick him out.