Dry Drunk

[carolyn77]

I have been in recovery since 1984. I was diagnosed as manic depressive in 1996. I stayed active in the program for 5 years. Got married and pregnant, stopped going. Would stop going and go back after a time. That is my habit of going and stopping.I have not had a drink since then. I used the excuse that I stay tired all the time. I stopped smoking in 1996. The smoke started getting to me. I know that I am using those is excuses. I have been real unhappy in my job. It has gotten real boring to me. I have allowed myself to get depressed and have been on medicine. I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Glad that I found this.

[Anna]

Welcome Carolyn,

I think you'll find lots of support here.

[lanie67]

My story is similar. I got sober/clean in 1992. I relapsed in 2001, with 9 years and 8 months clean. I continued to go to AA for about 6 months after that, if I remember right. It is a little hazy, I was caring for my grandmother who was dying...I don't know why I can't remember when I quit going to meetings but it was sometime before 2003. I haven't been since, and my codependency is kicking my ass right now. I know that I need to work on that part of my recovery. When I relapsed I had been through the steps twice and was going to meetings, calling my sponsor daily, doing service, etc. I had an untreated developmental disorder that I am now aware of. One of my sponsors had taken me aside after a few years in recovery, she had expressed to me that, in her words "I see you doing everything you are told; you are going to meetings and doing service and working the steps and doing everything you are supposed to and you are still not getting any relief." I could relate to what she was saying but didn't know what to do about it. I was diagnosed with one 'disorder' after another that didn't quite fit; I was diagnosed as manic depressive before I ever entered recovery but I have never had a manic phase to this day, over 15 years ago. Anyway, didn't mean to get off on a tangent but I understand now what I was up against that kind of made the program feel like it 'wasn't working' for me, no matter how hard I tried. Now that I understand what is 'wrong', finally, after all these years I have peace about it. I suppose it could be said that I have been on a kind of 'dry drunk' in the sense that I've heard Bob. E. talk about how if you take away an addict's chemicals all you will be left with is a codependent, and my codependency is abundantly clear right now. I'm armed with these realizations now, and ready to move forward.

[Fluttering]

Carolyn and Lanie

Thank you both for introducing yourselves.

You have both demonstrated in sharing what is meant in our Big Book by, "All we really have is a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition" and "There is action and more action" as well as the importance of the priniciple of "We" being kept in our tool boxes.

There are many here who will support, encourage, love, and applaud you as you join us as WE trudge this road to happy destiny.

I hope you both come back often.

[indigo]

You both seem to be going in the right direction I'm happy to meet you and hope that you'll both continue to share with us.

indigo

[NewDayStartsNow]

Welcome Carolyn:

Hang in there. I'm very new to this website and wanted to share with you that 13 people replied to my request for help and I made it to Day 2 and Day 3. Keep visiting, we're all here with you, even when you don't feel it.

I noticed in your message you shared, you're looking back a lot. You've had a tough road, but I'm sensing that with each step, you won a major battle. Focus on those battles won. Next, look forward and stop kicking yourself. Yesterday is gone, today and tomorrow are what matter. That you're here, writing and reaching out, means you're winning another battle. Believe you can do it again!

Thinking about you and rooting for you!

[carolyn77]

You hit it on the head. I have been living in the past instead of living in the now. Thank You. I'm beginning to think that I need to write and let go of it.

[Rowan]

Hi Carolyn,

Welcome to SR - I'm so glad that you found us. I understand depression, and I understand being overwhelmed by feelings. I hope you find some relief soon. Please keep posting.

Rowan

[IO Storm]

Carolyn, Lanie:

Welcome!

Recovering alki addict, bona fide bipolar. You found the

right place for support as I have.

Love,



Sherry

[buttercup158]

After 9 years and 6 months, I relapsed 3 days ago. I did not drink yesterday or today, but I am not sure if this is the end of this relapse. I have relapsed 3 times in the past 15 years: Once for several months, once for almost a year, and once for just one day.

[lanie67]

Hi Buttercup,

Thank you so much for sharing that. I relapsed at 9 years and 8 months. It can be the end of it. Go to meetings, call your sponsor, write out your feelings. I started therapy and got on an antidepressant again. I hung on for dear life, because when I got sober the first time I'd already backed into someone with my car and almost ran slap over someone else, I was afraid I would drink and drive again and kill someone. It doesn't have to keep on going, it can end here. I remained in a constant state of prayer for days on end, it seemed, in truth I don't think I had ever felt closer to my higher power before then, and probably since. I had the sense that hp was sitting beside me on my porch steps as I would sit there and just pray, pray, pray for hp to let it be only that one instance. I just wanted to stress again that I have been there and I understand. I don't regret my relapse, I would not trade my five years I have now for a 15 year chip, I believe that hp made me even more useful than I could have otherwise been because I know what it is to relapse with time. You can do it. Hugs to you.