New Again

[Lem]

Well. . .here it goes. I am a professional woman with a 15 month old toddler. In Winter of 2001, I ended up in an alcohol rehab after battling depression for many years. I stayed there for several months and upon departure I relapsed thinking I could drink "normally." Also, while there, I met another sick one and we have been together ever since. Yeah - great grounds for meeting other stable people!

Anyways - in 2003 we both ended up drinking and using together. His drug of choice is crack cocaine. I tried it a few times with him, but did not like that stuff AT ALL. Anyways. . . we both went BACK to a facility in fall of 2003. This time we went to different ones and this time we stayed sober - for awhile! In spring of 2005, I learned I was preganant and in January 2006 we had a beautiful baby boy. Three months later, he relapsed on crack. I did not. I stayed sober - the problem was there are no meetings that I can take my child to! I had basically been getting further and further away from "program." Then, he continued relapsing over the following year.

I went back to work in May and basically took care of our child and worked full time. Then in October I got really really sick - some sort of awful flu - sicker than I had been in probably 15 years, and I started taking elderberry syrup. It seemed to help the illness and I was so strong in my sobriety - just knowing that I would never drink again - I really did not think anything about the alcohol base. Well. . .soon enough it started seeming like I was abusing the elderberry syrup. Then, CH fiance starts using heavily again. Since January of this year, I had to leave the house for a week at a time on several occasions because of his binges. Of course, I still went to work and took care of our child. Then, last month he went back to a 30 day facility.

Now - he comes home tomorrow and I know he is going to be all full of his own rules and how things "should be." Bottom line is this - since all of this started again - and I began drinking "normally" again - I am back to a bottle of wine a night. Only wine. Not that that makes a difference. But, I see where I am headed and I have to stop TODAY. I just can't find meetings to go to and I long ago quit using my sposor as a sponsor. Even prior to my relapse - she just wasn't available.

So - can someone give me something good to help me through today? A first step prayer - anything? Tell me what I should do tonight? Help. I need support and I don't want to go back from where I came. . .I also need some guidance on how to treat CH. thank you so much.

[Anna]

Hi Lem,

Welcome!

You have come to a great place for support and inspiration.

I agree that stopping now is a really good idea because as you know, with addiction things will progress. I am not an AA person myself, and I use SR as my lifeline. The suggestion I would make is that it's going to be harder to deal with your sobriety when you're dealing with your boyfriend's issues as well. I'm not saying that you can't stay sober and stay with him, but I think you know that he is not having a good influence on you or your child.

There is lots of support here and I hope you keep posting. There is always someone online and you can always find something inspiring here to help you get through a tough moment. Hang in there.

[Rowan]

Hi Lem,

Thanks for posting and letting us get to know you - I'm glad you're here.

If you can't get to any meetings because of the age of your son, this website is a wonderful place. I go to AA myself, but can't get to a lot of meetings right now because I'm on my own with my daughter (she's 11) - I spend a lot of time here on the site, and get to 2-3 meetings a week, on average.

I'm glad that you recognize that you need to stop drinking. Do you have any supports i.e. family or friends where you live? It's going to be tough on you when you fiance gets home - please keep posting and we'll be here for you as best we can.

((hugs)) to you. Keep coming!

Rowan

[Fluttering]

Lem

welcome home..This is where it is at..love support..compassion...encouragement ...all the important tols we need

Remeber it is ok for you to set boundaries too.

[Lem]

Thank you ladies. It is good to know that there is someplace to go where other people are just trying to stay sober too. I'll take whatever I can get!! Now, tonight I just have to NOT drink.

[Rowan]

Occupy yourself - stay here - read the posts (especially the sticky's up top of each forum - lots of info to be found). Take a bath, have a cup of tea, curl up with a book, turn out the light, zzzz (you get the picture).
Not to trivialize, because I know how difficult it is, Lem. You can do this.

R

[Lem]

So - I did not drink last night! YAY. I can get back into the swing of recovery. I just HAVE to. The CH came home this morning, 30 days sober. He still seems all skittery though. . .I just don't know how I feel about him anymore, but I know I will never know unless I stay clear headed.

I will be visiting this site a LOT. Again, thank you for your encouragement.

[Fluttering]

Remember to tell yourself "I can do this"
Try to avoid negative thinking
Also all of what Rowan said AND have some chocolate.

One other thing...without alcohol we seem to crave sugar...Let that be ok for right now...You will get back into balance

[Lem]

I did it for ONE MORE DAY! YAY! Tonight I will try to go to a meeting. CH seems to be doing okay for now. He said he would watch our son tonight and I could go to what I want/need to do. So far. . .I'm not even craving the alcohol which is a heck of a lot better than the last time I got sober, which took 60 days of in patient rehab. Of course, that just makes my sick little head say - well, if you can do it now, you can do it anytime. . .so maybe you can drink again. BUT - I am able to crush that little thought down right now. . .and I feel so much better.

So. . .for today. . .

[observer]

Lem... one day at a time... I'm right beside you. I'm really glad I found this site! These are a great bunch of people! I didn't even realize how bad my drinking problem was until I found this site. Just get through today, tomorrow is another day. We'll do this together!!

[Emimily]

you're on the right track, lem. one day at a time. my dad told me once "you can do ANYTHING for just one day... you can hang on to the side of a building if you had to for just ONE day." that's awesome, i am elated for you and the family. esp. your little guy... sober mommies are great!

[Rowan]

Good job, Lem! I hope you get to that meeting tonight.

Keep posting!

[mtnmagic]

Hi Lem - I'm on day six today. We can do this...Let's get through today without a drink ok? Just for today, that is all we have to worry about. I know we both can do it. I'll check in with you later. I know we can do it.
BTW - Your post touched my heart.

[Anna]

Lem, it's good to hear from you and I'm glad it's going well.

[Lem]

still sober! Things are becoming somewhat clearer - but I cannot seem to get over my anger at the CH. I got into a huge screaming match with him last night trying to get it through his thick skull about the hell he put me and my son through over the last three months. I know we can't change the past, and still somehow, I keep thinking that if I nag nag nag and berate him for all of his wrongdoings, he will somehow understand WHERE I am coming from. I also realize that this is totally an alanon issue and that it will just make me crazy. But, maybe I am already crazy!!

Anyways - just a quick vent for the day. Thanks for listening. And, for Observer - stay away from those bars!!! I know from my last time of getting sober that I COULD NOT go to the bars and hang out and not drink. Eventually, I decided I could go to the bars and drink non-alcoholic beers, and well. . . it took me four more years, a DUI and a rehab later to realize that I just could not be around alcohol. Fortunately, at this point in my life, I think getting sober is going to be a little easier because I no longer go to the bars, I have a child, etc. . .my drinking was all by myself as all the people I know where I live now are all sober. So basically I isolated and drank. Trying to get sober when all my friends and I hung out at bars was impossible. BUT. . .some people can do it! Maybe you are one of them! I will keep you in my prayers!

Mtnmagic - I love your image. I have a bunch of pictures from the same artist I believe. And, I grew up in the mountains of New Mexico - so I am a Mountain girl through and through. You hang in there - we CAN do this!!

And to all the rest - thank you for your support. It is helping me SO MUCH.

[mtnmagic]

Hi Lem!
Whoo Hoo!
Yep, I stayed sober too. From one mountain girl to another we can do this today too! (Oh, we may have something else in common, I'm sure I'm crazy too, lol!)

[Fluttering]

Hi

YE HA!!! It is a fantastic journey we have embarked upon..Fasten your seatbelt because you are in for the ride of your life!!
There are others, like myself who are crazy..W B normal? is something I enjoy...

I am so glad you are continuing to post..I am a country gal love the mountains......

[lightseeker]

Hi Lem -

Just wanted to say hello and that I am cheering for you. You have a lot on your plate and that's a great reason right there to stay sober. A drink wouldn't make any of this better.

My RAH's doc is crack too. I know what you're talking about. My doc is wine....just now have 1 year of sobriety. Remember, you can start your day over at anytime. My husband is currently my main "trigger".....in that my emotions that I have in response to his behaviors are what trigger my desire to drink. I have to remember to pause, pray, and step away.

Keep posting! I normally post in the friends/family of substance abusers but headed out to explore some of the different forums this morning. Glad to have found this one.

This is a fantastic journey. I know that I have to stay sober "for me" but the benefit of raising my sons in a sober home is huge to me. Keep us posted!

Love, Donna

[Rowan]

Quote by lightseeker: husband is currently my main "trigger".....in that my emotions that I have in response to his behaviors are what trigger my desire to drink. I have to remember to pause, pray, and step away.

I think this is GREAT advice lightseeker. Boy could I identify with this.

[Fluttering]

Here it comes...another quote from the Big book..."As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action......saying to ourselves many times each day, "Thy will be done." (pg 87)

"We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined...there is action and more action." (pg 88)

What is interesting about these quoytes is that it is part of the 24 hour plan. (begins on page 86) .Which is all we have ..just today...

these sections helped me agreat deal in early recovery and still today...i always ned reminders "cuz my forgettter forgets...As one member says in our meetings..."I could hide my own easter eggs...." lol

[Lem]

Oh wow!! Those posts are great! So true Lightseeker - CH fiance's behavior is what triggers me. . . often. But, other times it is just me and my desire to escape. Well - this weekend was a sober one!! YAY. I ALMOST had a glass of wine on Saturday. CH had volunteered to watch our son and said I could just "go have the day to myself." WOW!! When was the last time THAT happened???? I can't even remember!!!

So, I was enjoying my day, went out to lunch, brought my book - was thinking, oh, I could just have one glass of wine with lunch. And when the waiter came by, he asked - would you like something to drink - I looked at the wine list - (during this last period of drinking the ONLY think I drank was white wine - not that that makes a difference, but I used to be a hardcore vodka drinker, so that is why I thought maybe I wasn't SO sick) -- and then, i PAUSED. He looked at me. I PAUSED again. And then I said - "I'll have a diet coke." WOW. I felt good about it. Later. Anyways. . .that PAUSING thing saved me.

Sure, most likely I would have only had one glass of wine, but then that craving would kick back in. So. . .today, I thank my higher power for the assistance he gave me on Saturday. And truthfully, I didn't want to come back to this board monday morning and tell you that I drank on Sat! So. . .

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!

[lightseeker]

Lem -

congrats on the pause. You sound so much like me that it is scary. The cunning, bafflling alcoholic is inside of me. What a tricky dudette she is!

Good for you for making it through the weekend. I had a major drinking dream over the weekend. Woke up with a $1600.00 bar tab! Glad that it was only a dream. It rocked me though.

Love, Donna

[Anna]

That's the way to do it Lem and each time you get through one of those situations, you get stronger.

And, I know for me, the one glass of wine would have started the obsessing again and that would be all I could think about. I hate that.

[Rowan]

Really happy that you're doing so well, Lem. Good on you for the PAUSE effect.

Lightseeker .. expensive dream! lol

[Lem]

Hi Ladies. And one more sober day ended and has begun. Thank you for all of your support. This site is truly my strength right now.

Rowan - I just read your other post - I know how hard it is to budget. But, I know you can do it. You even made some of your own wise suggestions - like the writing everything down in the little book to see just what you can and cannot live without. Maybe you can keep that daily cup of coffee and just cut something else out. I think the suggestion about having another pair of eyes look at the budget is a good idea too. Do you bring your lunch to work?

Remember, it's most likely just for a year - so you can definitely do that one day at a time. A few times this year I found myself in some desperate situations (when I had to leave home and stay in a hotel as a result of CH binges) and all of a sudden I had a windfall - I had thought I had deposited my bonus check from December and I hadn't! Talk about coincidences. . .(OH WAIT - there ARE no coincidences! )

It will work out. I am just sure of it as you have so much strength!!

And Lightseeker - LOL!! I too have had those dreams!! Not yet - but I know they will come!