When to Leave? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ElisaDaro · 05-01-2003, 11:35 PM

This will sound like a silly silly question, but how do you know when it is time to really get out of a marriage? Yes, I realize it was time to leave years before, but now he is getting anger management counseling and has improved dramatically, although he slips up at times. I have not been the happy but he is trying so hard. I have been trying to give him another chance. but i am afraid to get emotionally hurt again. also financially it will be rough. We are going to marriage counseling together in the next few weeks.(again!) Ahhh, i feel so stupid for staying all these years, and now he is REALLY giving it an effort I am torn... thanks for listening elisa...

05-01-2003, 11:55 PM

Welcome ElisaDaro,

I think it's time to leave when you know it's time to leave. You won't have to ask the question.

If you are safe from physical abuse then there is time to make up your mind.

It might not ever feel good to leave, but you'll be able to tell when and if that is what is right for your life. You don't have to know today.

Today you can learn and grow and focus on your life and what makes your life happier and healthier.

There are power posts at the top of the naranon and alanon boards. Lot of good information there. There are also posts in the PTSD forum concerning abuse and domestic violence. Just start digging around.

Keep checking back. A lot of others will reply soon.

Hugs,
MG

JT · 05-02-2003, 06:12 AM

Elisa,

I think it is time to leave when the bad outwieghs the good.

I did notice in your post your focus on him and what he is doing. What are you doing for yourself?? You say YOU are not happy but he is trying. Think about that statement. What does one thing have to do with the other? Personally I would not want to spend my life waiting for someone else to get it. I would give some thought to what you need to be happy. YOU...not him.

I stay because the good outweighs the bad, today.

Hugs,
JT

ElisaDaro · 05-02-2003, 08:10 AM

I was in counseling. I started to become at ease with the counselor... We bonded and then she had to quit! lol my luck the next one was a bit young for me and I never seemed to feel at ease. I quit. I do lots of things for me. I attend school, work, go out with friends, shop, and laugh daily! We are both going to counseling together starting next week. I know I am not always unhappy. And when I am, he really isn't the cause of most of it. I am a mess! LOL I have been involved in an affair that has ended (several times and now seems for good!) and now the person who I depended upon to counsel me (he was FAR better than any counselor) is gone. He is married to an addicted woman, and is in denial that he is an enabler. (he keeps shielding her from her family and kids and others. Thinking he is allowing his children to have a normal life) Truthfully I am more upset about my "friend" leaving than my husbands behavior...Ahhh but he is another story! I recently heard yesterday that a job promotion isn't coming my way and I was feeling pretty awful. I took a test and passed but not high enough to get the job. I bounce back. I always do. I am a survivor. Elisa

Thanks for everyone's kind concern!

Paulie · 05-02-2003, 08:38 AM

Hi and I would also like to say welcome.

I can only say ditto to what was said before me. Relationships are not perfect, there is always some bad, but as was already said when the bad outweighs the good, it is time to think about making a change.

i understand the things that you said you do for yourself and that is awesome. but I also got the impression that you are basing your decision to stay or not to stay on what your husband is doing. For me, it has to come from in me, not from what he is or is not doing, just a thought. It sounds like you may be grieving over the loss of the other relationship, and that is something to really look at.

Good Luck and I hope to get to know you better.

ElisaDaro · 05-02-2003, 01:01 PM

I guess what I am telling you is that I don't want to leave unless i have a 'reason' for leaving. I am not looking for another love, (i have already found the true love of my life, and he isn't available) and my husband have many things in common. actually we'd make wonderful buddies, as long as we didn't have to live together. He is in love with me but has his issues. so i stay because there is no reason to go. and i guess comfort is a big part of it... my kids are growing up and are good. and i am not in danger... so why leave... except when things get bad i want to run... elisa

05-03-2003, 02:30 AM

I left my boyfriend when I was living with him and he was drinking and being verbally abusive. I wanted to leave him over and over again, but kept trying to make the relationship work, and finally cracked and just gave up. Now we don't live together and he has straigtened out his life a bit and doesn't drink everyday like he did. It's time to leave a relationship when it makes you miserable and you know in your heart it isn't healthy for you to stay.

JT · 05-03-2003, 06:07 AM

Elisa,

The important think to me is not feeling stuck. My staying is a choice...one day at a time. I am not afraid to leave. I choose to stay. Love of my life?? Who knows. Soul mates?? I think that is hogwash personally.

You know....Jennifer has days when she is sick of Brad Pitt's sh** too!

JT

Paulie · 05-03-2003, 08:35 AM

Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

ElisaDaro · 05-03-2003, 05:35 PM

JT, HI! I used to think the soulmate thing was bull too. But I know now it isn't. My soulmate and I dated in high school, but we were tooo young to know what was right for us then. We went our seperate ways until 4 years ago we remet after over 25 years. When we saw each other it was as if we had never left. And we stayed in touch on and off until feb 28... why you may ask? because we love too much and he isn't ready to leave that addicted wife of his... ohhh actually it has more to do with his kids than her...but he is in turmoil because he wants me and them and we all know it isn't possible. I can almost predict his life for him. If I told you what it was like you'd think i was crazy! Like I knew when he had a bad night with his wife. I knew when he needed a call... I know things like a psychic with him... only him. I don't know how and if someone told me about it I wouldn't believe them! LOL But I know it is real because it happens toooo much. I wanted to just be friends with him but he can't do it. He loves me and can't lead a double life. a man of true morals and conviction. DAMN why did it have to be a man like that! LOL I am not unhappy now just not really happy. I know there are good days and bad ones. and that life isn't always happiness. I just know that what my life would have been like would have been much different. so would his.but it isn't so why cry over what can't be. I know that his wife is self destructing. and i am not happy about that but on the other hand it will leave him to me... and as far as my husband, he has caused me so much pain in the past and even now... that i simply can't worry about what it will do to him... ahhh that is why my signature says always and forever... I will love my friend always and forever... elisa

Juls · 05-05-2003, 12:07 AM

Hi Elisa,

I have struggled with this same thing. I have been married almost seven years, and we have a six year old daughter. I reallys struggled in this marriage. I was unhappy, even miserable. I did leave for a few months last year, but it was really hard on my daughter so I came back. I no longer feel in love with my husband, and we have no intimate life together. We are more like friends raising a child together than husband and wife.

One thing I have realized that only I can make myself happy, and I can be happy even though my marriage is far from perfect. He has not been physically abusive, but I did feel he was mentally abusive, as well as emotionally.

As with your husband he really is trying hard now, and we are getting along so much better, but I think alot of that has to do with the fact that I am working on my own personal growth. I don't know what to due about the lack of intimacy. It bothers me that I don't have that in my life, yet on the other hand I'm not really interested in being intimate with my husband anymore. He really hurt my feelings and I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to have an affair though because that can really complicate things.

For now I have decided to stay and make the best of my marriage for my daughters' sake, yet I worry that if after she's grown and I divorce my husband she'll think we were just living a lie all this years, and it will really confuse her about love.

I guess I'm not giving you any helpful advice, but I wanted to let you know I can relate, and if you come to any signicant awareness about the situation, pass it on to me. LOL

Juls

Live · 05-05-2003, 07:28 AM

Juls!

I think this conversation is going on all the time with us women everywhere!!

Been intensively discussing it with my sister and my daughter and still trying to talk to myself, because I also respect my opinions

We are all doing similar things too....we are trying to find out all over the place what other peoples experience have been to try to find answers.

As far as I know, none of us has. Found THE answer that is.

It is such a paradox! There are two opposite ways to look at it and both are truly with merit!!

So I think nobody knows, we are the exeriment. And I HATE that! Cause it is my life, my child's life and their other parents life at stake!!!!

Yukky!

live

ElisaDaro · 05-05-2003, 08:34 AM

I really appreciate all of your honesty. I am still pretty intimate with my husband. Though sometimes it feels more like we are F*** buddies and when he is sensitive, he is really wonderful. when he is a jerk he is awful. He is very upset he is losing me. but so be it! I may sound like I am a depressed sad person, but the truth is I am a very optomistic person who happens to have problems. I am happy, why? because I am a happy person! because of me! not anyone else. :shades: I always look at things like this: What is the worse that can happen, Then I don't worry I just do what I can to fix it! It is my motto... no worring! it solves nothing. Of course it always doesn't work but hey! I try. I have a lot of ups and downs in my life. i ride a roller coaster of life daily... i am just getting a bit tired of not knowing what i am walking into with my husband, the wonderful man or the evil one! He knows how i feel. Well, I am eternally grateful for the support! It had made me feel much better to know that there are many others out there with the same problem! I really appreciate all of your postings. This is a nice place! Elisa

Juls · 05-05-2003, 09:46 AM

Hey Elisa,

I wish my husband and I were those kind of buddies. LOL

Juls

05-01-2003, 11:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
ElisaDaro Paused Join Date: May 2003 Location: Pennsauken NJ Posts: 9	When to Leave? This will sound like a silly silly question, but how do you know when it is time to really get out of a marriage? Yes, I realize it was time to leave years before, but now he is getting anger management counseling and has improved dramatically, although he slips up at times. I have not been the happy but he is trying so hard. I have been trying to give him another chance. but i am afraid to get emotionally hurt again. also financially it will be rough. We are going to marriage counseling together in the next few weeks.(again!) Ahhh, i feel so stupid for staying all these years, and now he is REALLY giving it an effort I am torn... thanks for listening elisa...

05-02-2003, 06:12 AM	#3 (permalink)
JT Supply Manager Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Cleaverville Posts: 2,903	Elisa, I think it is time to leave when the bad outwieghs the good. I did notice in your post your focus on him and what he is doing. What are you doing for yourself?? You say YOU are not happy but he is trying. Think about that statement. What does one thing have to do with the other? Personally I would not want to spend my life waiting for someone else to get it. I would give some thought to what you need to be happy. YOU...not him. I stay because the good outweighs the bad, today. Hugs, JT __________________ The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind~Wayne Dyer

05-02-2003, 08:10 AM	#4 (permalink)
ElisaDaro Paused Join Date: May 2003 Location: Pennsauken NJ Posts: 9	Things for me! I was in counseling. I started to become at ease with the counselor... We bonded and then she had to quit! lol my luck the next one was a bit young for me and I never seemed to feel at ease. I quit. I do lots of things for me. I attend school, work, go out with friends, shop, and laugh daily! We are both going to counseling together starting next week. I know I am not always unhappy. And when I am, he really isn't the cause of most of it. I am a mess! LOL I have been involved in an affair that has ended (several times and now seems for good!) and now the person who I depended upon to counsel me (he was FAR better than any counselor) is gone. He is married to an addicted woman, and is in denial that he is an enabler. (he keeps shielding her from her family and kids and others. Thinking he is allowing his children to have a normal life) Truthfully I am more upset about my "friend" leaving than my husbands behavior...Ahhh but he is another story! I recently heard yesterday that a job promotion isn't coming my way and I was feeling pretty awful. I took a test and passed but not high enough to get the job. I bounce back. I always do. I am a survivor. Elisa Thanks for everyone's kind concern! Last edited by ElisaDaro; 05-02-2003 at 08:29 AM.

05-02-2003, 08:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	Hi and I would also like to say welcome. I can only say ditto to what was said before me. Relationships are not perfect, there is always some bad, but as was already said when the bad outweighs the good, it is time to think about making a change. i understand the things that you said you do for yourself and that is awesome. but I also got the impression that you are basing your decision to stay or not to stay on what your husband is doing. For me, it has to come from in me, not from what he is or is not doing, just a thought. It sounds like you may be grieving over the loss of the other relationship, and that is something to really look at. Good Luck and I hope to get to know you better. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

05-02-2003, 01:01 PM	#6 (permalink)
ElisaDaro Paused Join Date: May 2003 Location: Pennsauken NJ Posts: 9	thanks... I guess what I am telling you is that I don't want to leave unless i have a 'reason' for leaving. I am not looking for another love, (i have already found the true love of my life, and he isn't available) and my husband have many things in common. actually we'd make wonderful buddies, as long as we didn't have to live together. He is in love with me but has his issues. so i stay because there is no reason to go. and i guess comfort is a big part of it... my kids are growing up and are good. and i am not in danger... so why leave... except when things get bad i want to run... elisa

05-01-2003, 11:55 PM	#2 (permalink)
Morning Glory Guest Posts: n/a	Welcome ElisaDaro, I think it's time to leave when you know it's time to leave. You won't have to ask the question. If you are safe from physical abuse then there is time to make up your mind. It might not ever feel good to leave, but you'll be able to tell when and if that is what is right for your life. You don't have to know today. Today you can learn and grow and focus on your life and what makes your life happier and healthier. There are power posts at the top of the naranon and alanon boards. Lot of good information there. There are also posts in the PTSD forum concerning abuse and domestic violence. Just start digging around. Keep checking back. A lot of others will reply soon. Hugs, MG

05-03-2003, 02:30 AM	#7 (permalink)
cetiya Guest Posts: n/a	I left my boyfriend when I was living with him and he was drinking and being verbally abusive. I wanted to leave him over and over again, but kept trying to make the relationship work, and finally cracked and just gave up. Now we don't live together and he has straigtened out his life a bit and doesn't drink everyday like he did. It's time to leave a relationship when it makes you miserable and you know in your heart it isn't healthy for you to stay.

05-03-2003, 06:07 AM	#8 (permalink)
JT Supply Manager Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Cleaverville Posts: 2,903	Elisa, The important think to me is not feeling stuck. My staying is a choice...one day at a time. I am not afraid to leave. I choose to stay. Love of my life?? Who knows. Soul mates?? I think that is hogwash personally. You know....Jennifer has days when she is sick of Brad Pitt's sh** too! JT __________________ The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind~Wayne Dyer

05-03-2003, 08:35 AM	#9 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	Absolutely!!!!!!!!! __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

05-03-2003, 05:35 PM	#10 (permalink)
ElisaDaro Paused Join Date: May 2003 Location: Pennsauken NJ Posts: 9	Soulmates JT, HI! I used to think the soulmate thing was bull too. But I know now it isn't. My soulmate and I dated in high school, but we were tooo young to know what was right for us then. We went our seperate ways until 4 years ago we remet after over 25 years. When we saw each other it was as if we had never left. And we stayed in touch on and off until feb 28... why you may ask? because we love too much and he isn't ready to leave that addicted wife of his... ohhh actually it has more to do with his kids than her...but he is in turmoil because he wants me and them and we all know it isn't possible. I can almost predict his life for him. If I told you what it was like you'd think i was crazy! Like I knew when he had a bad night with his wife. I knew when he needed a call... I know things like a psychic with him... only him. I don't know how and if someone told me about it I wouldn't believe them! LOL But I know it is real because it happens toooo much. I wanted to just be friends with him but he can't do it. He loves me and can't lead a double life. a man of true morals and conviction. DAMN why did it have to be a man like that! LOL I am not unhappy now just not really happy. I know there are good days and bad ones. and that life isn't always happiness. I just know that what my life would have been like would have been much different. so would his.but it isn't so why cry over what can't be. I know that his wife is self destructing. and i am not happy about that but on the other hand it will leave him to me... and as far as my husband, he has caused me so much pain in the past and even now... that i simply can't worry about what it will do to him... ahhh that is why my signature says always and forever... I will love my friend always and forever... elisa

05-05-2003, 12:07 AM	#11 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,095	Hi Elisa, I have struggled with this same thing. I have been married almost seven years, and we have a six year old daughter. I reallys struggled in this marriage. I was unhappy, even miserable. I did leave for a few months last year, but it was really hard on my daughter so I came back. I no longer feel in love with my husband, and we have no intimate life together. We are more like friends raising a child together than husband and wife. One thing I have realized that only I can make myself happy, and I can be happy even though my marriage is far from perfect. He has not been physically abusive, but I did feel he was mentally abusive, as well as emotionally. As with your husband he really is trying hard now, and we are getting along so much better, but I think alot of that has to do with the fact that I am working on my own personal growth. I don't know what to due about the lack of intimacy. It bothers me that I don't have that in my life, yet on the other hand I'm not really interested in being intimate with my husband anymore. He really hurt my feelings and I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to have an affair though because that can really complicate things. For now I have decided to stay and make the best of my marriage for my daughters' sake, yet I worry that if after she's grown and I divorce my husband she'll think we were just living a lie all this years, and it will really confuse her about love. I guess I'm not giving you any helpful advice, but I wanted to let you know I can relate, and if you come to any signicant awareness about the situation, pass it on to me. LOL Juls

05-05-2003, 07:28 AM	#12 (permalink)
Live Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bristol TN/VA Posts: 11,310 Blog Entries: 5	Juls! I think this conversation is going on all the time with us women everywhere!! Been intensively discussing it with my sister and my daughter and still trying to talk to myself, because I also respect my opinions We are all doing similar things too....we are trying to find out all over the place what other peoples experience have been to try to find answers. As far as I know, none of us has. Found THE answer that is. It is such a paradox! There are two opposite ways to look at it and both are truly with merit!! So I think nobody knows, we are the exeriment. And I HATE that! Cause it is my life, my child's life and their other parents life at stake!!!! Yukky! live __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

05-05-2003, 08:34 AM	#13 (permalink)
ElisaDaro Paused Join Date: May 2003 Location: Pennsauken NJ Posts: 9	Thanks !!!! I really appreciate all of your honesty. I am still pretty intimate with my husband. Though sometimes it feels more like we are F*** buddies and when he is sensitive, he is really wonderful. when he is a jerk he is awful. He is very upset he is losing me. but so be it! I may sound like I am a depressed sad person, but the truth is I am a very optomistic person who happens to have problems. I am happy, why? because I am a happy person! because of me! not anyone else. :shades: I always look at things like this: What is the worse that can happen, Then I don't worry I just do what I can to fix it! It is my motto... no worring! it solves nothing. Of course it always doesn't work but hey! I try. I have a lot of ups and downs in my life. i ride a roller coaster of life daily... i am just getting a bit tired of not knowing what i am walking into with my husband, the wonderful man or the evil one! He knows how i feel. Well, I am eternally grateful for the support! It had made me feel much better to know that there are many others out there with the same problem! I really appreciate all of your postings. This is a nice place! Elisa

05-05-2003, 09:46 AM	#14 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,095	Hey Elisa, I wish my husband and I were those kind of buddies. LOL Juls

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode