My avatar says it all!!!!

[Paulie]

Balance - I am having a hard time with balance right now. Like the girl in my avatar I am slipping and sliding all over the place and can't get a grip!!!!

I have gotten completely sucked into this whole situation with my cousin and it has consumed me for 2 weeks now. I friend whacked me with the frying pan this morning and stopped me from jumping in the car and driving 3 hours to be there just in case he gets out of jail and in case he wants to go to rehab.

The problem/situation is, I want to save my aunt from the pain she is feeling. but I can't, a little co-d you say........ OH YEAH!!!!! I had to call her this morning and tell her that I will not come get him until he calls and asks me to. I have not heard from him since last Saturday. I did not say what he wanted to hear so he does not want to talk to me. I didn't fall for his crap. He even told my aunt that he did not want me to come get him cause he does not want to listen to me in the car. Okay what does that say. His wife filed domestic abuse charges and filed for divorce but still went to visit him 3 or 4 times in the past week. Dont misunderstand me, I want them to work out there problems and stay together if that is what they want. I just speak from experience that a person, an addict, like me, like my cousin, needs to experience the consequences of his actions.

My office has gotten completely out of control, can't see the top of the desk. I really am not handling things well at all right now.

One thing good I can say, is I am not eating. I mean I am eating, but not obessivly over this. I am enjoying my new gym and trainer and feeling good about doing that for myself. She is closed today, sat. and sun, and that is a BUMMER.

My sister is healing well from her surgery but the infection in her asophagus is not good and they cannot do the other surgery until that is healed, she is ill and there is nothing I can do to help her. A dear frined of hers for almost 20 years, this woman has been a part of my sisters life and is always around at important things. Well her son, early 20's was drinking last night, ran a red light and hit a van with 3 people in it. No one was killed but everyone was seriously injured. Tony our friends son is not awake, I say it that way becasue the drs said he is not in a coma and the cat scans and things look okay but he is not responding to anything or anyone, like he is in shock or something. It is so scary. The kid was drinking, damn disease!!! I am angry right now.

Okay there is a whole lot more crap in my head but I will stop for now, cause I know I have a tendency to go on and on and on, uh duh!!!

thank you all for being here and for having SR to come here and let go of this stuff.

[margo]

(((((Pauline))))) I loved what you said about your avatar - I thought that was really funny, but then read on and I can see that it wasn't all fun. Poor Pauline! It never rains, but pours, sometimes.

Give yourself a big pat on the back for letting your cousin's chips fall where they may, but that must have been so hard! When we've had experiences that we have lived and grown from, it is the most natural thing in the world to want to reach out when we see someone headed down the same road to disaster. However, it takes a lot of strength to stay out of it if they haven't asked for help or don't seem receptive. If I've learned anything in this life, it's that my own mistakes have taught me the most. What you wrote reminded me of JT's signature a while back - Lord put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

On a more serious note, I'm really sorry to hear about the accident. Thank God no one was killed, but what an awful thing. I really hope that everyone will come through it okay.

I'm glad to know that your sister is recovering slowly and I hope her infection will heal soon. Give it all to God, Pauline, (as I'm sure you have done) and just continue to be there as you have - no one can ask for more.

And now - look after YOURSELF!!! I know how hard it is to concentrate on work with all this other stuff going on - I work from home too and when I have crises going on it's so hard to motivate and I really have to force myself sometimes. There's no one else to pay me if I take a day off! Make sure you eat well and rest when you can. Okay, end of motherly advice.

Love and hugs.

[Paulie]

Margo -

Thank you so much, and please laugh. When I found the little sliding girl (I was really looking for some pretty flowers or something like that) I laughed and said "Oh this is me right now" . I have learned so many thing in recovery and the most important...God will take care of things, if I just let him, and another very important....you have to laugh!!!!!

Update - They are not releasing him today, good news. Bad news, when they do sometime in the next couple of weeks the DA does nto want him to go to the program in Clear Lake, she wants him to do drug court which means he will be living at my aunts and she just does not know how she is going to handle that one. Hopefully by June he will be in the program or any program. He is saying he wants to go, but if he means it or if he just wants to get out of jail, that is between him and God.

I have got some work done today and that is a good thing, I can see parts of wood on the bottom of my desk .

I have not heard about Tony yet, my sister is still at the hospital with his mom, keep him in your prayers, he is just a kid and I pray he comes out of this okay and I pray that the people in the van he hit are okay too.

More good news - my aunt can't wait til Monday when she can go to Alanon again. I convinced her to go to her first meeting last week and she loved it. She said last night, she can't wait for monday. It was frustrating, Ihad to make several calls to even find her a meeting close to where she lives, but I did and it is awesome.

Again, sorry I wrote a book here, thanks for listening my friends.

[Stephanie]

Hi Pauline,

You sure do have a lot on your plate. I feel so bad I wish I could come over and organize your desk for you. You worked so hard to have it be organized. But you know what......sometimes we have to cut ourselves some slack and say things are tough right now and I just can't be everything to everyone. You're eating well and exercising, that's huge. When I get stressed, I eat icecream. I'm sure when things settle down you'll get your desk organized and your work done.

This is a lot of third step stuff. Most of it just isn't in your hands and there's nothing you can do about it right now. I find it always best to take care of myself so I can be strong for when they are going to need me to lean on. It sound like you're doing that.

I just wanted to send hugs and tell you that I really admire your compassion and gentle nature.

Love ya,

Stephanie

[zoomer]

:p Hey ya Pauly, sometimes when life gets bad you just have to scream! I do that sometimes in my car. It does not make me feel any better,but makes me feel foolish about myself then I laugh at myself. Poor P, it seems like sh-- hit the fan after or during you doing your 4th step. I hope no offence that you can postpone it until things settle down. I'm glad you back at least in the woman's forum.
Zoomer

[Ann]

Pauline

Do you ever feel like you are at a 3-ring circus? Who to save first? . Well I've been to that circus and sometimes all you can do is sit back and cheer them all on.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this at the same time, and I know the frustration of feeling helpless and the exhaustion of trying to help anyway.

But remember Who is running the show. Pray for them, let them know you care, and leave the rest up to the Higher Ringmaster.

And what I am not hearing in your post, is what you are doing to pamper yourself during these tough times. This is the time when we so easily forget to take special care of ourselves and this is the time when we need to do it most.

Do a meeting, take some time just for you to do something you like, relax, read by candlelight, or take one of JT's famous bubble baths. Better yet - all of the above.

I'll be checking:saywhat?:

[Paulie]

thanks everyone,it just feels good to come here and vent!!!

good news, Tony is going to be okay. His shoulder is hurt (and I know how that feels) and he has some cuts on his head, nothing too bad. I guess when he got out of his truck and walked over to the van that he hit and saw the driver pinned in and the two little kids banged up pretty bad he went into shock. Everyone is going to be okay, thank God!

As for my cousin - I am NOT going to think about him this weekend!!!! As I keep telling my aunt, this is his problem, everything that is happening are the consequences of his actions.

Zoomer - I am only on step 2 and this is a pretty good time to be on step 2...restore me to sanity!! And Steph is right, this is really alot of step 3 stuff, turning it over and letting it go.

Okay, what am I going to do for me???Well this morning I am going to clean my house, do I enjoy that, NO, but I LOVE when it is all done (and I have really neglected it this week, it is hard to mop your floors when you are trying to save the world). then tonight I am going to go to my favorite meeting after I cook a really nice dinner for Paul and I.

Thanks again for being here you guys.
P-

[zoomer]

Hey P, I'm on step 3 too and not doing it very well! LOL!! I bought myself a step book last night and am reading it slow! Well, I'm off to go to the grocery store for like the 5th time in the past week! The kids are on spring break and eating their way through it.
Happy thoughts P!
Zoomer

[margo]

Hi Pauline - sounds like a good plan. Amazing how we can sometimes come to grips with things a little better after a night's sleep (assuming you slept!).

Have fun in the kitchen tonight - cooking is good therapy!

Love and hugs.

PS: Want to come and help me with MY housework?

[Juls]

Pauline,

If life teaches us anything (when we let it), then all these things are learning experiences. Learning how to let go and let someone deal with their situation and consequences can be tough. Being off-balance can help us learn how to gain our balance in difficult situations.

You are dealing with alot of different things, but you are doing just fine. The fact that you are handling this and not over-eating in response means you are coping. We will never feel perfectly balanced and in order all the time, and the in-between times, the times when we are faced with uncertainty, I believe can teach us grace.

Juls