What is it with men? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Rowan · 03-11-2007, 04:52 PM

My AH is moving out this week while I am visiting my parents in Florida. This is a move that definitely needs to be made, but it still hurts, and I feel like a failure. And I know this isn't about him .. but .. he's in and out all day, and he's whistling and humming! I don't get it! I feel like socking him one every time we pass in the house .. which is WRONG (not the feeling, but the action!).
Anyway. I just needed to share this with someone. My sister spent the afternoon with me and that helped but I am just counting the hours until it's time to leave in the morning. I hope he gets all his stuff out while I'm gone so that I don't have to deal with him when I get home.
We stuck it out for nearly 3 years and God only knows why - it's not the loss of him that bothers me so much, it's just the loss, period.
I wanted to end this relationship so many times, but didn't have the courage. I guess maybe this happens when we reach a certain age or period in our lives, but I'm tired of 'settling' with the crap that's handed out around here. I'm not little-miss-perfect, not by a long shot, but I don't think I was so bad, either.
Sorry for rambling. I'm just agitated and want to go. I'll miss this site - you all are crucial to my recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.

Rowan

***Anna*** · 03-11-2007, 05:07 PM

Hi Rowan,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

I know you've posted before about the ups and downs of the relationship, which I think we all have. But, I think I understand what you say about feeling the loss, not so much of him, but of the relationship, of what you hoped for and worked for all those years.

But, I am glad you have made a move that will make you feel that you are treating yourself well. I also agree with the 'certain age' comment. I am older than you and I really understand what you mean. What I accepted in my twenties and even thirties, I would not consider accepting now. I hope that means I care for myself more than I did then.

Hopefully he will be gone while you're away and you can begin to heal and to move forward.

Rowan · 03-11-2007, 05:15 PM

Rats I just replied to this but I don't know where it went!
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks, Anna, for your reply, it helps so much to be heard and understood by other women.
Yeah, this is about treating myself well - well said!

indigo · 03-12-2007, 04:35 AM

I do understand what you mean Rowan hen you've loved or still love another alcoholic the rupture is still painful it's hard to let go of the pain even though it makes no sense. I too have been through 12 years, in a very abusive and unhappy for most of the time relationship. I have been happily partnered now for 22 years and I can look back now (not that I often do) and feel sad for my ex. I am happy.

hugs Annie

mynemisis · 03-12-2007, 01:02 PM

Hello, my relationship of 13 years ended just before Christmas. My ex is the father of my second son who is 7. He was addicted to marijuana and probably still is. My first sons dad was an alcoholic who I left eventually because he continuously beat me when he was drunk. I did that when my eldest son who is now 14, was 2 years old. We do not see his dad.

Some of you may think I am completely crazy but I feel safe typing this on a message board where nobody knows who I am but before my ex left ( I instigated the separation) he raped me and I did not say or do anything because I wanted my sons to continue to have a father in their life....as I type this I cannot believe that I took no action....

after he had done his deed I did got a bit crazy and threw things around the garden, I tried to kill his fish....he then went into our garage and tried to hang himself. I rang my mum to get her to help me save him....

I do not understand all of this, I am still working it out but threw it all I carried on with the separation and continued to hold down my full time job and look after my lovely children. I even arranged visiting times with their father....who by rights really should not see them after what he has done....??

he has been very good and been a very good dad, they are not at risk in anyway but once again through typing this, it looks as if i am a mad person....

I have noticed that I drink more and more and yesterday...I let my children be alone at home whilst I got drunk in the pub...somethng that i had often done in the past but whilst they were at home with their father.....I am so ashamed of myself....I dont know if I have a drink problem but I do know that I drink and have always drunk to pretend that I dont feel terrible...it makes me feel better.........

I wish I hadnt done what I did last night, I am lucky nothing happened to my beautiful children but I feel i do not deserve them.

I have to sort myself out...my father was an alcoholic, I have ended up with two abusive partners addicted to their drug of choice and I have always lived in fear my whole life that I too would become an alcoholic....I found this site today out of fear and desparation that it is all slipping away from me....

Am i in the right place....I read this thread and it made me want to write this all down....

....I am sorry if I am in the wrong place...

indigo · 03-13-2007, 02:47 AM

Family and friends is also a great forum for discussion and yes you have come to the right place and you are very WELCOME here.

indigo

03-11-2007, 04:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Rowan Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 12,138	What is it with men? My AH is moving out this week while I am visiting my parents in Florida. This is a move that definitely needs to be made, but it still hurts, and I feel like a failure. And I know this isn't about him .. but .. he's in and out all day, and he's whistling and humming! I don't get it! I feel like socking him one every time we pass in the house .. which is WRONG (not the feeling, but the action!). Anyway. I just needed to share this with someone. My sister spent the afternoon with me and that helped but I am just counting the hours until it's time to leave in the morning. I hope he gets all his stuff out while I'm gone so that I don't have to deal with him when I get home. We stuck it out for nearly 3 years and God only knows why - it's not the loss of him that bothers me so much, it's just the loss, period. I wanted to end this relationship so many times, but didn't have the courage. I guess maybe this happens when we reach a certain age or period in our lives, but I'm tired of 'settling' with the crap that's handed out around here. I'm not little-miss-perfect, not by a long shot, but I don't think I was so bad, either. Sorry for rambling. I'm just agitated and want to go. I'll miss this site - you all are crucial to my recovery. Thanks for letting me share. Rowan

03-11-2007, 05:07 PM	#2 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 22,810	Hi Rowan, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know you've posted before about the ups and downs of the relationship, which I think we all have. But, I think I understand what you say about feeling the loss, not so much of him, but of the relationship, of what you hoped for and worked for all those years. But, I am glad you have made a move that will make you feel that you are treating yourself well. I also agree with the 'certain age' comment. I am older than you and I really understand what you mean. What I accepted in my twenties and even thirties, I would not consider accepting now. I hope that means I care for myself more than I did then. Hopefully he will be gone while you're away and you can begin to heal and to move forward. __________________ And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver

03-12-2007, 04:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	I do understand what you mean Rowan hen you've loved or still love another alcoholic the rupture is still painful it's hard to let go of the pain even though it makes no sense. I too have been through 12 years, in a very abusive and unhappy for most of the time relationship. I have been happily partnered now for 22 years and I can look back now (not that I often do) and feel sad for my ex. I am happy. hugs Annie __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

03-13-2007, 02:47 AM	#6 (permalink)
indigo Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,928	Family and friends is also a great forum for discussion and yes you have come to the right place and you are very WELCOME here. indigo __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

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03-11-2007, 05:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
Rowan Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 12,138	Rats I just replied to this but I don't know where it went! Anyway, just wanted to say thanks, Anna, for your reply, it helps so much to be heard and understood by other women. Yeah, this is about treating myself well - well said!

03-12-2007, 01:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
mynemisis Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Essex,UK Posts: 5	Hello, my relationship of 13 years ended just before Christmas. My ex is the father of my second son who is 7. He was addicted to marijuana and probably still is. My first sons dad was an alcoholic who I left eventually because he continuously beat me when he was drunk. I did that when my eldest son who is now 14, was 2 years old. We do not see his dad. Some of you may think I am completely crazy but I feel safe typing this on a message board where nobody knows who I am but before my ex left ( I instigated the separation) he raped me and I did not say or do anything because I wanted my sons to continue to have a father in their life....as I type this I cannot believe that I took no action.... after he had done his deed I did got a bit crazy and threw things around the garden, I tried to kill his fish....he then went into our garage and tried to hang himself. I rang my mum to get her to help me save him.... I do not understand all of this, I am still working it out but threw it all I carried on with the separation and continued to hold down my full time job and look after my lovely children. I even arranged visiting times with their father....who by rights really should not see them after what he has done....?? he has been very good and been a very good dad, they are not at risk in anyway but once again through typing this, it looks as if i am a mad person.... I have noticed that I drink more and more and yesterday...I let my children be alone at home whilst I got drunk in the pub...somethng that i had often done in the past but whilst they were at home with their father.....I am so ashamed of myself....I dont know if I have a drink problem but I do know that I drink and have always drunk to pretend that I dont feel terrible...it makes me feel better......... I wish I hadnt done what I did last night, I am lucky nothing happened to my beautiful children but I feel i do not deserve them. I have to sort myself out...my father was an alcoholic, I have ended up with two abusive partners addicted to their drug of choice and I have always lived in fear my whole life that I too would become an alcoholic....I found this site today out of fear and desparation that it is all slipping away from me.... Am i in the right place....I read this thread and it made me want to write this all down.... ....I am sorry if I am in the wrong place...

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