33years18drunk

[33years18drunk]

Hello... Where should I be? I am a new female trying to find some support and I haven't had much response on the newcomer thread. Should I just give up?

Lonely in Tejas!

[barb dwyer]

never give up!

there'll be others coming along in a while ... how are you?

[Tyrant]

hey dont give up. if u need someone talk to anytime of the day i am here for u. please message me i want u be ok

[33years18drunk]

Pretty damn down. Should be in bed with my hubby, but he really isn't very happy with me right now. I am going to post what I put on the "newcomers" section. Any advise would help. thanks!

As I said I have never been to anything like this before. I am really trying to get my, pardon the word, "****" together without ruining my life. Don't really know where to start. I know I have a problem, but I am having a seriously hard time coming to terms with it and admitting it to my hubby. Any advise?

A) How do I change this damn name. I already don't like it. I guess I should have something a little more positive if I am going to try to get myself in order.

B) Thank you SO very much for replying to me. I have admitted to myself numerous times that I have a problem and swear that I will quit (when I feel like I am dying from the hangover and late night up/no sleep) only to go to bed early the next night and wake up the next morning wanting a drink.

I have always been a beer drinker and nothing else (aside from the occasional night out where I may have a shot or two) Problem is, I can out-drink any male you put me in front of (up to a case in 1 day if it is the right circumstances and I start early) I know for a 118 lb, 5'3" woman, that is normal. I used to be proud of that fact. Now I am realizing that when you are 17 years old and can drink every High-school guy you know under the table, you are beginning to have a problem. That was a long time ago, but it obviously started a very serious problem.

I am getting to the point where I take a sip of Vodka by 10:00 a.m. to take the edge off, start mixing it with my drinks by 12:00. Buy beer at lunch and slam at least 3 before going back to work, and continue drinking vodka and diet coke throughout the day before coming home to my family. I then drink in the closet or wherever I can to not be caught. I am hiding empty cans of beer anywhere I can in an effort to not upset my husband.

God, scarily enough, just seeing this in writing is enough to make me realize that I am really losing it!

Problem is, I am from Northwest Houston, but now live in such a small town that you can't breathe without the world knowing it. I had heard through the grapevine very recently about a fairly prominent figure in our town being seen at the AA meeting here. That is damn scary! I can't afford to have that type of thing go on or for people to know that I have this issue. My husband has a somewhat sensitive job in this town and that could possibly cause him, not to mention my kids, very serious problems! What should I do?
Thanks x10million

[CarolD]

Hi...I did reply to your other post in Newcomers.

Here is the link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...one-tejas.html (alone in Tejas)

About people knowing...
I figure is the President's Lady can go public
???
The Betty Ford Center has helped thousands

I try to do the same in my small town.

Keep posting...You are not alone

[33years18drunk]

I did receive your reply after I posted on this site. Thank you very much. It is nice to know there are others out there that understand. I look forward to everyone's thoughts and comments. Thanks again!

[barb dwyer]

hi, 33 -

pardon my delay in answering - the only computer access I have is at work - and guests do have to come first ... welcome!

vodka and diet pepsi was my choice, too.
Grey Goose, preferrably.
With only enough pepsi to color it. I was a bartender. So the price was right, although I prided myself in buying every drink - and leaving many nights with no tip money at all.
That was just DURING shift.
Then came the after.
Jaegerbulls on the side.
All night.
Wake up - do it again.


THERE'S something to be proud of, huh?
*shakes head*

I've been clean and sober for almost 7 months now - and life has never ... never been brighter for me than this last few months.
That's no sales .. just fact.

The airport where you are is more densley populated than is Butte, MT - and everyone - everyone in this town knew me as a bartender - a wild one, at that. Butte is famous for its alcoholism ... mining first, alcoholism .. second. meth is running a close third these days.

Because bartending here is almost the same as holding a public office - I don't care who knows I'm in recovery. I have centered my life around my HP .. then the Program... and I don't care who knows it. I'll never be invited to take up brain surgery, or chosen to become an ambassador for the US, or nominated for Saint with any culture's religions, so I figure ... this is how 'I did it' ... and I'll always share that much anyhow.

The way I look at it - which I must warn you now - the way I look at things is ... sometimes ... unusual; I figure as a bartender all these years; a hard core type bartender ... I'm the one who helped many of those around here drink their way deeper into their own alcoholic hell - maybe by my becoming sober ... I can help shine a light for someone -anyone to find a way back out, you know?

Through the Grace of God, and the Program of AA, I am completely different today than if we'd met a year ago.

So what can we do to help?

[indigo]

I have a time zone thing when I can post so sorry for the late reply. Yes you are in the right place lots of support and kinship here. Welome to our family.

indigo

[Tess37]

I, like barb, am also not concerned with who knows I'm an alcoholic. The embarrassing part for me was acknowledging that I was an alocholic, not drinking, but also not in recovery. Not the best idea on my part but I put a change to that and I get a little stronger, happier everyday.

I found out after I got sober that even though I thought I was hiding it well, people around me knew what was going on. I just was telling myself they didn't. I was consuming about as much as you described, I weigh a little less than you, and it seemed it always took more and more to get to whatever goal I was trying to achieve. I could function... had to have that beer with me when I took my kid to the playground, had to put a can or 2 in my purse if we were going somewhere that I couldn't drink (i.e. movies or something). But they knew.... and here I thought I was being clever.

I got help, and 3yrs after the fact I think it's sticking for at least today. I have a very tight knit community as well, but they all know about me, and they love me anyway!!!! I was afraid of having that stigma attatched to me and being gossiped about as well, but turns out I was wrong! Just the oppisite occured. You say your problem is that you live in a small community.... how far is the drive to a large community? Are you still close to Houston? There are alot of resources and education about alcoholism online, but it's been my experience that I could not do it alone, I need that group, and that program to get my s*** together.

As everyone has said before me, we are here for you, just keep typing at us

[juliee]

I can relate to 33years...I have kids & live in a small town. I am concerned for them. meetings in a nearby town is one option.

[Rowan]

Hi,

I just wanted to welcome you here, and reassure you that you are in the right place.

When I first got sober, I didn't want anyone to know. I felt so ashamed of myself for being an 'alcoholic'. When I first went to AA and heard people talk about their gratitude for being alcoholic, I thought they must be insane. Today, though, I feel differently.

Giving up the booze and living life sober was the hardest thing I have ever done, and it still hurts some days. But I'm changing, and growing, and I am no longer consumed by fear all the time.

Going to AA introduced me to a sober way of living, through others' experiences. When I heard where people had come from, and witnessed where they were today, I was hooked, and I wanted what they had. I couldn't do it without other people, and without meetings.

This is about you, and what you need to do for yourself. If people are going to talk, so be it. There is no shame in being an alcoholic. Hold your head high and know that you deserve to get well.

We will be here for you.

Rowan

[Anna]

Hi 33

I am sorry to have missed your post on Newcomers.

Our Newcomers forum is very busy and sometimes a post can get 'lost' when many people are online.

You have found a great place for support and to begin to deal with your problem with alcohol. Once you spend some time here, I think you will begin to feel your shame leave you. We are all on this journey together.

[33years18drunk]

I Know I am not supposed to use all caps, but I have to just this once to say "WOW"! All of your supportive words have brought tears to my eyes. I definitely don't feel so alone. I guess I really don't know what I need in the way of help, I just know I need it. I feel like my life is passing me by. I have an 8 year old and 6 year old twins, and I feel at times like I would rather be drinking than be with them. That is so completely sick! I too, do the beer at the park, in my purse, etc. I know deep down that they see it. They are very intelligent and they have got to see a difference in me when I am sober vs. drunk. I feel my husband slipping further and further away and can't seem to stop it. I just don't understand how I can see these things, acknowledge them, but still not be able to quit.

I just don't know what to do. I have been drinking for so long! It has obviously not been this way forever, but I find myself sinking deeper and deeper. I am sure the magic question for a lot of people is... "How do you have fun and not drink!?" Everyone in my family drinks. I can distance myself from friends who drink, but not my family. I am too close with them. Will they accept me not drinking? I have admitted to myself that I have a very serious problem, but I don't want to admit it to anyone else. I am ashamed of myself and my behavior.

Several people have mentioned talking to my doctor. Does anyone out there know what type of meds they give you for withdrawl?

Thanks everyone. I feel better just having gotten some of this off of my chest.

[Anna]

Hi,

I did not have meds for withdrawl, just suffered through it. You can ask your dr what he would recommend.

Shame and guilt are huge factors to deal with and maybe it's even harder for Moms to deal with this, because we tend to feel guilty about everything. It was really hard for me to step back and face what I had done during 3 yrs of drinking, but it was necessary. The guilt took a long time to deal with and it was not easy, but journalling helps a lot in getting rid of the negative thoughts.

[TheGirlInside]

33-18,

(Sounds like great measurements! lol) I think---someone can correct me if I'm wrong---the only way to change your name is to log off and re-register.

Isn't it interesting how those behaviors and "feats" we used to be so proud of, later cause us such unhappiness?

As far as the people at the meeting goes, when I think about the "Big Shots" in our rinky-dinky little town, I just think: How "big" would that person be in New York City or L.A.? They'd be just as much of a "nobody" as me!

Anyway, there's a saying in AA: "What you see here, who you see here, let it stay here." Nobody's going to go around town gossipping about seeing you at AA, nor care that you saw them. That is part of Rigorous Honesty and Humility.

[juliee]

Little steps first... I asked that question myself not long ago and several people had some really good ideas to start....I'm taking meds, my stomach hasn't been feeling right, I gave up drinking for lent, giving my liver a well deserved break, etc., etc., etc., get your feet under you and deal with the family later. You help you first. The rest will follow. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[Surlyredhead]

Hi there!!! I am also sorry for my delayed response, you are in the right place!!! It is so important for us as women to be able to rely on other women for support. That is something I never would have done while I was drinking, now that I am sober, I value my sisters in recovery so much. There are some things only another female would understand.
Only you know what the reaction of your community might be, but in my experience, people know more than you think!!! When I first got sober (that would be THIS time) everyone...I mean everyone, told me how glad they were to have Cathy back...not the other person I had become. I was up to over a fifth of 100 proof vodka a day...AT LEAST, how could thay not notice!!! I have no probem telling peole that I am in recovery, it's not that I am proud to HAVE to be here...it is just that it is a part of who I am. Take me or leave me....so far, no one has looked down on me for getting better(and it gets better every day!).

Good luck..you are SO not alone!!!

SRH:AKA Cathy

[Cathy31]

welcome 33!! you are so in the right place - my advice would be to keep reading and posting SR was invaluable for me in finding recovery and through the Grace of God and the program of AA not only is my life better than i could have ever imagined possible (not perfect!!!!! But wow what a ride - SOBER!!! ) i still can't believe it...I'm sober now almost 1 whole year.
Keep coming back - lvoe the posts on this thread, thanks!!
Love
Cathy31
x

[Talluleh]

Hiya 33, your post struck a cord with me (sorry I missed you on the newcomers thread). I spent most of my weekends out with the boys in the garage keeping up with them drink for drink when we were drinking beer. I went to a friend's trailer last summer, brought a 12 pack with me, drank that before dinner and accepted every beer that was offered to me after that. At the end of the night everyone in the park was amazed at the 'girl that drank a case and was still standing'. It was only after too many blackouts and not being able to draw a line, NO MORE WEEKEND DRINKING, that I found this site and questioned if I have a problem.

I've been on this site less than 2 weeks and I can tell you that I haven't had a drink since I came here and I'm taking it one day at a time. I don't have any advice about your small town issue. I live in a small town and my neighbor's wife is the town crier of sorts, she used to tell everyone about mine (and the boys) drinking escapades. Now I don't care, she can kiss my a** and say whatever she wants. Good luck and keep posting.

[TryingisDying]

33-18.......Have you tried AA yet? It really is a god send...