A Time in my Life

[Peacefulpie]

There was a time in my life I believed I had it all figured out. Good job, home, beautiful children… Then, one morning I woke up miserable. Nothing in particular happened. Well, actually it had. Sometime during the night I decided to tell myself the truth. I hated who I had become. Hated my job, I was lonely living in a new state where I knew no one. Alone with a extremely sick child, a violently angry son, feeling like a horrible mother totally incapable of ever making it up to my children for years of insanity I had inflicted upon them. People looking in from the outside thought I had it made! Who was I to dough them? I convinced myself daily they where right.

I clung to the illusion believing that if it ended so would I… It did! I didn’t! My thinking out of control, feelings of misery, confusion, despair growing likes an annoying fungus in my mind. I began to snap at the kids, verbally abusive to those closest to me, became aggressive, competitive even combative. Soul sick and lost, my mind full of distorted pretenses, halve truth’s, idea’s of other’s, that it fed my misery like a ravenous dog. Angry at my mother, hurt by others, hating my kid’s father, forgetting to meditate, no choosing to be the one in control, I began to watch my life fall to piece’s. So, I did what any mindless person would do, I got totally pissed off! It is called temporary insanity.

There is something that happens when you go insane… People help you stay there! There are those who recognize your anger and support you in it. You tell them your story, they help you rant and rave, they recognize your pain and confusion, and offering you their bitter sympathy. Confusion reins supreme. Becoming more out of control the insanity surfaced the more I retreated.

Sporitually broken, There was one person who immediately recognized my confusion, anger, hurt, and insanity. This very person even went so far as to detect an even greater vulnerability, FEAR!

Fear that I had lost control. Fear that I once again I had let those I loved and who loved me down. Fear that I would be judged. The fear, that for some reason I didn’t want to explores or mentions that I was being punished. More important this person recognized the need for me to grow. She knew I had entered a spiritual twilight zone where nothing made sense, but everything was making perfect sense. I was on a journey to a place that would require boldness of heart, strength of mind, and power of spirit. This person listened to my story, offering one seeming less useless suggestion: “Remain open, there is something bigger than you know going on here.”

Beginning back at step one as I progressed onto 3 I began to revive spiritually once again experiencing an awakening… And boy was I AWAKE!

Once again I came to believe that things don’t really fall apart, they just change. Somehow I realized even when I felt as if I was going to totally losing my mind (AGAIN!), I could hold onto that everything is as it should be. When I let go, and let God a miracle happened…. Confusion now replaced with understanding. Fear now replaced with courage. Misery now replaced with renewed hope.

I began to admit, stand accountable, to forgive… I forgave my mother insisting that I move. Stood accountable for the fact that I am a grown adult I did have another choice.
Forgave those who I felt caused me harm, am accountable that it was my choice to allow them the vulnerability. I will always allow myself to be open hearted and vulnerable to other’s as I believe and trust in that is how my Higher Power would want it. I once again forgave Bill (my x), for yrs of financial and emotional support to our children, I once again gave it up to my Higher Power (God) trusting that He will provide for all needs. Became ready and willing to do the footwork needed. Then I was able to begin to forgive myself. For allowing years of addictive patterns to unknowingly surface making my life unmanageable. For the harm’s that I have caused others in my destructive path, for allowing precious moments of quiet understanding to be void with anger and judgment. I have let go of the quilt, and anger, of what I perceived to be wronged harm’s against other’s and myself. I forgive myself of playing a victim of others control, I forgive myself the illusion I allowed so that I may remain in denial about my exact wrong’s.
For spreading this sickness to others and believing it ok. Believing power was control and that I was in control, leading me once again to sick thinking, for allowing arrogance to rule my living and for forgetting that it is only through humility that I may truly stand in the light of the spirit.

Once again I am reminded that I am worthy of love and to love myself is the greatest gift I can give to myself. I love the strength I have found in my Higher Power (God). The spiritual growth I develop daily. I once again look forward to the relationships I have mended in recovery. Today I also accept me. I no longer need acceptance and approval of other’s… I ACCEPT ME! I also accept that control does NOT belong to me! I am God’s MOST precious gift! I am PRICELESS!

[Anna]

Beautiful post Peacefulpie!

It is such an amazing awakening when we see the truth and begin this journey of recovery. And, we slowly let the guilt and shame fall away from us, and we are able to move on.

I am glad you are sharing your journey with us.

[ayla zaire]

what a beautiful and inspiring post.....thank you for sharing your journey with us......i know so many people will relate to the things you have said, and you will help a lot of people.....i was very inspired by it....and have had similar experiences.....



hugs
ayla
ayla

[Rowan]

Originally Posted by Peacefulpie

There was a time in my life I believed I had it all figured out. Good job, home, beautiful children… Then, one morning I woke up miserable. Nothing in particular happened. Well, actually it had. Sometime during the night I decided to tell myself the truth. I hated who I had become. Hated my job, I was lonely living in a new state where I knew no one. Alone with a extremely sick child, a violently angry son, feeling like a horrible mother totally incapable of ever making it up to my children for years of insanity I had inflicted upon them. People looking in from the outside thought I had it made! Who was I to dough them? I convinced myself daily they where right.

I clung to the illusion believing that if it ended so would I… It did! I didn’t! My thinking out of control, feelings of misery, confusion, despair growing likes an annoying fungus in my mind. I began to snap at the kids, verbally abusive to those closest to me, became aggressive, competitive even combative. Soul sick and lost, my mind full of distorted pretenses, halve truth’s, idea’s of other’s, that it fed my misery like a ravenous dog. Angry at my mother, hurt by others, hating my kid’s father, forgetting to meditate, no choosing to be the one in control, I began to watch my life fall to piece’s. So, I did what any mindless person would do, I got totally pissed off! It is called temporary insanity.

There is something that happens when you go insane… People help you stay there! There are those who recognize your anger and support you in it. You tell them your story, they help you rant and rave, they recognize your pain and confusion, and offering you their bitter sympathy. Confusion reins supreme. Becoming more out of control the insanity surfaced the more I retreated.

Sporitually broken, There was one person who immediately recognized my confusion, anger, hurt, and insanity. This very person even went so far as to detect an even greater vulnerability, FEAR!

Fear that I had lost control. Fear that I once again I had let those I loved and who loved me down. Fear that I would be judged. The fear, that for some reason I didn’t want to explores or mentions that I was being punished. More important this person recognized the need for me to grow. She knew I had entered a spiritual twilight zone where nothing made sense, but everything was making perfect sense. I was on a journey to a place that would require boldness of heart, strength of mind, and power of spirit. This person listened to my story, offering one seeming less useless suggestion: “Remain open, there is something bigger than you know going on here.”

Beginning back at step one as I progressed onto 3 I began to revive spiritually once again experiencing an awakening… And boy was I AWAKE!

Once again I came to believe that things don’t really fall apart, they just change. Somehow I realized even when I felt as if I was going to totally losing my mind (AGAIN!), I could hold onto that everything is as it should be. When I let go, and let God a miracle happened…. Confusion now replaced with understanding. Fear now replaced with courage. Misery now replaced with renewed hope.

I began to admit, stand accountable, to forgive… I forgave my mother insisting that I move. Stood accountable for the fact that I am a grown adult I did have another choice.
Forgave those who I felt caused me harm, am accountable that it was my choice to allow them the vulnerability. I will always allow myself to be open hearted and vulnerable to other’s as I believe and trust in that is how my Higher Power would want it. I once again forgave Bill (my x), for yrs of financial and emotional support to our children, I once again gave it up to my Higher Power (God) trusting that He will provide for all needs. Became ready and willing to do the footwork needed. Then I was able to begin to forgive myself. For allowing years of addictive patterns to unknowingly surface making my life unmanageable. For the harm’s that I have caused others in my destructive path, for allowing precious moments of quiet understanding to be void with anger and judgment. I have let go of the quilt, and anger, of what I perceived to be wronged harm’s against other’s and myself. I forgive myself of playing a victim of others control, I forgive myself the illusion I allowed so that I may remain in denial about my exact wrong’s.
For spreading this sickness to others and believing it ok. Believing power was control and that I was in control, leading me once again to sick thinking, for allowing arrogance to rule my living and for forgetting that it is only through humility that I may truly stand in the light of the spirit.

Once again I am reminded that I am worthy of love and to love myself is the greatest gift I can give to myself. I love the strength I have found in my Higher Power (God). The spiritual growth I develop daily. I once again look forward to the relationships I have mended in recovery. Today I also accept me. I no longer need acceptance and approval of other’s… I ACCEPT ME! I also accept that control does NOT belong to me! I am God’s MOST precious gift! I am PRICELESS!

THANK YOU!

[Fluttering]

Good Heavens you told my story so much more beautifully then ever I could

THANK YOU !!! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

[CarolD]

Very powerful share...Hugs

[indigo]

Thank you for sharing this with us.

indigo