My husband met someone in rehab,,,

[santoro07]

Hello, my whole world has just crashed down on our family.
After waiting for my husband for 3 the years in prison, three 1/2 years later, after 4 relapses, decided to go into a co-ed rehab that did wonders for a family member. About 45 minutes out of the city in a very city type suburb he would be for 21 days. Day 3 he said he could not do that program by seeing me, he would get homesick or something, called for 2 minutes at a time venting more anger as the days passed. I figured he was going thru some hard places being that there was mental health evaluations and all. Then he said he did not want me to go visit him because it was alot of smoke and nasty. To sum this all up, he left the program on day 21, and left with a younger client from the program before her completion and has been with her ever since. Claims he is not married, acts like he hates me and came for all his things. He is 41, has many children from his previous marriage, and 2 with me and I am so confused about this whole thing, it seems like a nightmare. I am not a user, but have identified with codependency and have started attending AlAnon, somebody please help me understand this madness, it has torn my family apart, I thought he was going there to save our marriage,not run away from it. oh, he has never had an affair, or even let me "think" he would have that in him at his age, somebody please help me understand how 2 struggling people would want to hook up with all the mess he left behind, how will he stay sober by running away??? i cant eat, cant sleep, and i know that i should just care about my kids, i try and cover it as best as i can, i will have to try and make some sense of all this soon. he does not seem like my husband at all, it is like he is brainwashed or something, please help!

[TryingisDying]

((Hugs)) I can hear all your pain..I don't even know where to begin. BUT the 2 struggling people that "hooked" up will be beack to using in no time...and he will be crawling back home when he finds that the grass is not greener on the other side. The best thing I can tell you , which right now won't sound like enough...keep going to Alanon for yourself....Take care of you and your kids. Make yourself get up do what you have to do for your kids right now. Again..((HUGS))

[indigo]

I am so sorry for your situation and hope that you find strength to cope with it.

hugs indigo

[Sasha1208]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going throught this. About a year ago my boyfriend of 15 years entered rehab, broke up with me (I found out later because he had met someone) and about a month and a half after breaking up with me moves her back home with him. So I can pretty much relate with what you are going through. I can tell you what you should do and that's take care of yourself but I know it is easier said than done. I pretty much had an emotional breakdown. What it is is a perfect example of the addict still acting like an addict. Running away from their problems and not dealing with themselves. Like it has been said before they will be back to using in no time if they aren't already. What happened in my case is after about a week or so of living with this other person my boyfriend came to his senses and sent her packing and came to me to work things out. And I gave him another chance... I don't know if I would recommend that because it has been a lot of work on both our parts and there is still a lot of pain that I have inside of me for that one action. I could let go and forgive everything else but that other woman still tortures me if I let it. I really do feel for you. Please take care of yourself and try not to torture yourself with his selfish inconsiderate actions. Do something nice for yourself. Take a long bubble bath or read a book of drink hot tea. These things may help calm you down a little. PM me if you'd like to talk...
Hugs,
Heather

[dontcareinmi]

I would go see a good divorce attorney

[KathyL]

santoro07 -
I have endured a great deal in life and one thing is for sure, in the end I had to learn to take care of me because no one else was going to take care of me and if I didn't take care of me how would I be able to take care of my kids. Get plenty of rest, eat properly, take a walk or get some exercise. Do something nice for yourself (like Sasha said) eat some chocolate covered strawberries, or by yourself some pretty lingerie, or pretty outfit.

{{It took me until I was 40 to learn and understand why my 1st husband infidelity took place}}
BUT ONE IMPORTANT FACT IS VERY CLEAR!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU IT IS ABOUT HIM! A MAN WHO CHEATS IS A VERY INSECURE MAN, AND IT HAS NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WOMAN!!! per Dr Dobson.

For me I am learning to take care of me, and my son we are the most important people in my life. If the A...... chooses to get clean he will have to earn his place in my life. I too am a recovering Alcoholic as well as a member of Al-anon, get to the meetings asap take your children no matter what get to a meeting, help yourself so you can be there for your children!!! Let others love you until you can learn to love yourself and see the truth in this situation. Realize you are not alone in this situation, get meditation books to read daily, this will help you handle situations daily, prayer and meditation is important too!!!

As far as dontareinmi, might be right to file separation legally to hold him accountable for his actions, to assist you in caring for those children...and don't go saying oh but poor him...Think oh poor your children, they are what matters first and foremost...don't be like me the doormat...I felt so sorry for him for years and my children did without far to many years...Well no more, my children are more important they are the future!!! They deserve a chance in life...!!!! So do yours!!!!

One more thing also remember the other person isn't in her right mind...and neither is he...wait til they wake up SCARY....

But again this is my opinion and mine alone...if you need to talk go ahead and Private message me...

[lovecat]

Hi Santora i have just read your post , my heart really goes out to you ... the pain & heartache when your husband goes of with another woman feels unbearable ... i know , i came home from work one friday evening to find mine had left note saying he had gone to a friends that he met on the internet ( female ) said he needed some thinking space ( there had been no signs that our marriage was in trouble, he hadnt said he was unhappy or anything ) it transpired that they were having an affair . anyway to cut a very long story short she had a lot of unresolved issues of her own . he came back home & we tried to work it out with counselling etc..... . im 45 he is 37 & she was 32..... i am now left with my own unresolved issues & total lack of self worth ..... please think long & hard about taking him back . concentrate on you & your kids only he IS going to have a very nasty awakning & will probably try to come back to you ...... lots of hugs .....

[Fluttering]

Hi Santora

My sponsor used to tell me "You cannot make sense out of insanity".
I know "Loecat" is telling you the truth=--He will find out he is not in the real world. I agree with her suggestion of thinking long and hard beroe taking him back. I found out the hard way--Once they have done it--There is no cure. It is realy important you get the focus on you--your alanon program and your children. Put him on God's choulders--best place for him. You then get to curl uip in God's lap and request comfoort, strength, wisdom, rest, whatever it is you need. Thing is though--you do not get to look up God's sleeve to see what he has planned.
Focus on you, your AlAnon program and your children--
Thank you for sharing with us......................YOU ARE LOVED!!

[KathyL]

LoveCat - remember this quote...
{{It took me until I was 40 to learn and understand why my 1st husband infidelity took place}}
BUT ONE IMPORTANT FACT IS VERY CLEAR!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU IT IS ABOUT HIM! A MAN WHO CHEATS IS A VERY INSECURE MAN, AND IT HAS NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WOMAN!!! per Dr Dobson.

You are more than worthy of Good things, we have to be careful, discern the other persons truth is this a person I really need in my life, this person I bring into my life will he be an asset or a deficit? Will the work be hard and painful or will we compliment each other a few disagreements but mainly love constant love?
You are so much more than you give yourself credit! You are such a beautiful soul, GOD DOESN'T MAKE JUNK!!! HE MAKES ALL THAT IS GOOD, YOU!!!

[dazeduke]

i do understand both sides of this story"yours" and his" i think anyway. Foe example me and my husband seperated because of my pill abuse and i met someone who had the same problem i did and i really thought i loved him"how crazy" and way my heart still craved for my husband and my really life but my husband wanted me clean and was there for me the whole time even when i was seeeing the pill popper like my self..Anyway the best way for me to say this is right now they relate to each other but they will only make each other worse not better..me and my husband are together now and he has been a big support for me and he has never been addictied to anything and they are the people i want to be around to keep me sober. If your around someone who is not completely clean or even menally strong enoungh to stay clean they will just bring you down..I am not wishing your x to fall i hope he makes it but it will be very hard with someone else in his same shoes.

IN GODS MERCY