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Old 02-11-2007, 07:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband is rejecting me through recovery

Hello everyone, this is my first time, I dont know where to start. My husband is currently on day 14 of 21 day inpatient program in a suburb of chicago. I am trying to deal with the instant anger and rejection he has towards me since day 3. He does not want to talk to me, or see me. The program is for women and men, though he has not struggled with infidelity in the past 4 years. I am trying to not to think that he may have bonded with a compassionate female in the program, struggling with similar problems and making him feel worthy again, causing him to reject me. It is kind of long story but to sum it up, I feel tormented by this and am trying to understand he is dealing with past hurts and pains that have caused him to relapse in the past. He is 40 and we have been together 10 years , married 4 and he has relapsed 2x , for the past year being his second. He is getting help on his own, and sounds determined. We have 2 children ages 8 and little girl 6, and is planning the 3 month half way house in the other town and keeps repeating he will not be coming back to the city. I know this all sounds confusing, I will try to fill in any holes to those interested in helping me understand, I want to be part of his recovery but understand he may not be able to handle the mess he made of things while trying to find himself out of this slavery he has had to crack cocaine. He does not take money from me, he does not drink, and truly wanted to stop. I will be attending my first anonymous families meeting, and have been reaching out to sisters from church that have been great, though I still cant sleep at night and am breaking down every moment I get alone, I am thankful for God's grace and finding hope in Him for this marriage and not torter myself with guilt for how I treated him when I would find out he was high. I love my husband very much and am afraid I may have made myself a part of the "detachment" process that is encouraged through recovery. Please let me know if anybody has gone/going through a bad marriage and being left when the spouse has finally got determined to stop.
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Old 02-11-2007, 09:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!

Here is a forum full of info and support

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

Keep checking here too...others will be along
with more experiences to share than I have.

Blessings
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Old 02-11-2007, 10:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome,
Although I do not know you situation, you will find the roller coaster in the recovery, at least for my abf. They are feeling so many things.....mostly really uncomfortable in their own skin. Try a naranon or alanon meeting, this will help you out. Do stick around for support for YOU>
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I will try alanon meeting for sure, hope I can focus on me, it has been very hard.

thanks for the note.
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Old 02-12-2007, 02:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR I hope you'll keep posting.

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Old 02-12-2007, 05:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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i know its tough to be patient with him while he is regecting you but he may not really be regecting you persay he may just not be ready to face the pain that his addiction has caused. not only for you but himself. if he has to see/ talk to you may end up thinking about that and his guilt and right now he needs to think about why he relapsed and or used to begin with.

just remeber his recovery needs to be about him just as his addiction is about him. you just happen to love the man. no blame or shame in that.

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Old 02-12-2007, 06:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Oh Santoro, my heart goes out to you and i am sending you the biggest cyber hugs.

My story is a little different to yours as both myself and my husband were using addicts and we came into recovery at the same time after 15yrs of using together. But the feelings were much the same. I still loved my husband almost desperately when we cleaned up. I was terrified that he didnt love me without a drug inside him. I didnt trust anytime he spent with what i saw as boundaryless, needy women in early recovery. I was angry that i had been with this man through all the years of mess and he might leave me just as he started to get well. How bloody unfair would that be! It was horrible. I was in so much pain, it hurt so bloody much. And the more i pushed at him with that pain the more he moved away. He was so very distant. On reflection i guess he was just trying to get through the day and couldnt deal with me at all. Hardly seemed right though because i had spent years dealing with everything.

My story did have happy ending. We are still together. Hubby is a drugs worker now and i am very proud of him. I also feel very loved by him. It did take a long time though. And it was a painful, scary journey.

I am not sure what relevance any of that has other than to say i really do understand what you are going through. I read every word you wrote. Please keep posting on these boards. I am glad you found your way here.

Warm Regards
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Old 02-12-2007, 07:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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While I was in treatment, my counselor stayed in contact with my immediate family. Perhaps you can call and find out the best way to support him right now. Also in my first year, and have come to realize the only thing that changes is everything.

Peace for you and your family.
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Evanna,,,,,,
I am truly grateful right now, one for this spot I found in a world where I feel nobody understands me and two for the strength I know has only come from God himself. Your words helped me in a way that I know you will never understand, it very much related to me. I am sorry for the pain you went thru, it is heart wrenching, feels like someone is sucking the inside of my heart out. I pray that you had some hope thru a method like this, or other. Through this process I have discovered many pains of my own, that have changed me and realized that I too am "detoxing". I have to be sure that had he acted like his same ol way, that we may likely be going through this for a long time, but this I know for sure, that some healing has come out of this for me as painful as it was. I have investigated the Codependent within me, I have learned that I had built up many walls to protect myself also, and that along side of my husband and his issues made this a huge mess. But I am trying to stay calm, he is finished with the 21 day this weekend and has called me to tell me, that we will be talking this weekend while he stays at his sisters awaiting a space in a 6 month recovery home. I have not heard I love you babe, I miss you, be patient,none of that, just a very blunt, plain, and serious tone. I can imagine how it must hurt him to have to make this choice, but I am thankful he is determined to not be the same man. Thank you so much for the encouragement, and I do believe that no matter what happens, a better person will come out of this from me, even though I will be so so sad to lose him now, I can know that some change came out of this for the better. Thank u again and again, and yes believe me, I will be coming back for a long time.....

Last edited by santoro07; 02-13-2007 at 08:44 PM. Reason: added something
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hello aalisababe,
I truly tried to respect the needing space thing while he dealt with some issues, I know this place makes them dig deep and pull some garbage out, that I'm sure made him feel really bad. The casemanager thing, well, I called her to get some feedback on how he was rejecting me and how she felt I could understand his recovery through some input of symptoms, or suggesting a meeting or something, but no return phone call. Mind you I had a hard copy of a paper he signed for me to have consent of information regarding his treatment, drug drops, progress, etc. I did not want to exercise that form, I just wanted some type of feedback of what she would recommend I do, and instead he calls me from her office all angry asking me what did I want and that is exactly why he did not want to deal with type of ****, and just wouldnt let me get a word in after I said only , I just called your cm to ask how the program handles a client rejecting family involvement for such a short term stay? He yelled, hung up on me in front of the cm, and she still did not call me. I felt like an intruder on trying to help my own husband, like I was nobody and it did not matter if I cared or not, I will never understand what it would of hurt this cm to call me and explain a simple thing like we cant force him to call you and get you involved, but at least return the phone call and not let the wife of the addict fall deeper into a hole of depression than she was already in. Where are the work ethics? The client will eventually have to deal with his wife and children, as he fights for his life to stay sober. I am ok now though, because regardless of what she could have suggested as I told Evanna above , this has brought some change in me and thanks to wonderful people like you all on this forum, and Families Anonymous and Codependents.org, I am healing also. May God bless you for taking time for me, ,,,,,
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Old 02-14-2007, 11:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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stay strong,

you are not alone, work on your stuff, let god of your understanding take care of the rest. everything happens for a reason. things always have a way of working themselves out for the better even if we cant see it rihgt this minute.

SHANEN

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Old 02-17-2007, 06:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Justed wanted you to know that i am thinking of you Santoro.
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Old 02-18-2007, 06:43 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Good Morning Evanna, & desperatensober,
Well, today is Sunday morning, all my fears were confirmed about my husband in recovery. His sudden anger towards me in the 21 day detox, was that he discovered that he needed to take care of him, so much so that he got out of detox friday and had not called me all day, and did not come home all night. He was due to stay at sisters house until Tuesday for his bed in recovery home and what it all boiled down to was he met a young lady, from what I know her doc are pills, alcohol and some cocaine, and they got very close at the meetings and free time, and all the anger he was venting was to keep me away. I even found out that he is saying he is not married, and that we only share children and how bad I treated him when he was high. He has decided to start fresh out there in the suburbs and had to come to our house to pick up his things yesterday to be in the recovery home for 6 months, and was telling me we were going to end up moving out there once he got his things straight. He came yesterday and had her waiting on the next block to pick up his unemployment check and whatever clothes he could carry and to make a long nightmare short, he expressed nothing but hate and anger towards me because I was crying for realizing I had bit the bullet to help him thru detox only to find out he replaced me with someone who is free from all the pain he has caused me for the past 10 years. My heart reallly breaks for my kids, especially his daughter who does not understand why her daddy was yelling and is not at home. His family does not know what to say, he has taken all of his clothes by her and says he is going to stay sober. oh, he took her out of the program when he left, so she did not leave the program successfully, but i wish them a sober life it that is what it takes for him and her to be sober. He will have to face his children some day. Right now I am dying inside, and when i go to church everybody will be asking me for brother Theo and then I will come home with our kids to the house where a reminder of him is everywhere. i am sorry for this rambling, i am reallly a mess right now, but I know that God will pull me through this and show me that he took him out of my life for a reason.
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Old 02-19-2007, 04:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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im sorry for your pain, really i know how it feels. if he left (its not about you) then obviously right now its for the best (for you). Im not saying he left to make you happy but people in an addiction dont think about anyone but themselves. If he hooked up with someone then its like the saying goes birds of a feather will flock together. He obviously still isnt ready to stay clean and own up too the things he has done. As for your daughter ill tell you what i told my kids when their dad and I split up. I said isnt it better to see us happy appart then to have us together and miserable. isnt it better for her to not see dad right now than to see daddy all messed up. I dont know, just a thought. stay strong for yourself and your babies. My heart goes out to you I know youll make it.

SHANEN
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Old 02-19-2007, 07:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I am so sorry to read you are having such a painful time Santoro. Clearly i cant truly know what is going on with your husband but reading you talking of your husband i was reminded very much of me in active addiction for a moment. The anger, the unemployment cheque, wanting to be where-ever it would be the easiest for me to get high. Mostly i remember being angry towards anyone who i saw as standing in the way of me and my drugs. I remember the guilt that i would feel around those people too and then i would feel even angrier because i felt all bad and guilty.

I can imagine how unjust this whole situation must seem to you right now and how much it must hurt. And i really admire your faith and ability to see in the midst of all this that there could be something better at the end of this for you and your children. When i read your posts i see a real kind and smart lady who deserves all the best life can bring. I have absolute faith that you can get through this. I think you are going to prove to be a great contribution to this board too.

Kindest Regards
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Old 02-19-2007, 09:15 PM   #16 (permalink)
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you 2 are awesome,
sunday was bad, cried, cried some more, and then cried. I get my strong moments by the grace of God and hate that my heart takes over and starts to torment me. Evanna, I thank God for your honesty, this is why I am here, searching for the good in my husband, and how he is hurting inside, there r many who insist that I leave him, get over it, he made his choice. But honestly God used a woman today that reminded me that he is my husband and his intentions in sobriety are to do good and live a normal healthy life. I have decided to give the pain over to God and just continue to live as normal as I succeeded in fooling everyone from when he was using. He is going to 3 or 6 month recovery home that is awesome and nothing like the detox center that has the most unusual setting with men and women together that TO ME, should not be recommended for married people who obviously are vulnerable and in state of disconnection from spouse from drug use. I thank u for your kind words that felt like a gentle warmth to my heart. Today I am choosing to let go of my worrying, I am going to wait to see what happens from the recovery home and in the meantime, I am going to work on restoring me and my kids. I admire your honesty and pray you are celebrating your recovery each waking day. Stay blessed.

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cecimarkyjesse thank u 4their mommy
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Old 02-20-2007, 06:03 PM   #17 (permalink)
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****{San-toro, Ceci, Marky, Jesse}}}
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Old 02-20-2007, 07:19 PM   #18 (permalink)
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give the kids huggs, lots of them. both from you and from me. Keep the faith. the only thing you have to keep doing is tell yourself you are strong, beautiful, inteligent, and special. and mostly that you are loved. hang in there.

SHANEN
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