Relapsed again!

[soul_searchn]

I could lose my kids over this! If my ex husband finds out that I snuck & got high instead of going to a meeting then he will make me leave here & I will end up back out there using like mad again, I know I will! I had 23 days clean & sober, but wasn't working the program. I have a great online sponsor & I told her that I was afraid to even get in my car because I was scared that I would go get high & she said to have Bobby (my ex that I am with) take me to the meeting, but I didn't because I knew where I was going before I even left here, I was going to get high yet again! I have tried so many times to quit & everytime I end up relapsing! This time I didn't even make it 2 months like I usually do! I could usually go about 2 months then the urges & cravings would get the best of me, but this time it happened much sooner! If he finds out then I will be back out there for sure because he will kick me out of here!
I feel sick! I came home high, but he didn't say anything so I don't know if he knew or not, we went to bed early so I was grateful for that because my head was swimming! He got back up, but I laid there, room spinning & went to sleep, now he's asleep & I woke up with this on my mind. I don't know what to do! Staying stopped is the hardest thing in this world for me to do!
I just don't know how to stay straight & get my life together! I know that if I continue to sneak around using like I have before that he will eventually find out again! What should I do? Should I tell him & risk losing everything?! I should have called my sponsor, she told me to call her before I used, but I didn't because I knew that she would talk me out of getting high! I still got another pill hidden.

[indigo]

Second by second if necessary, you can do it. Self talk make it true.

indigo

[scootinbabe]

reaching out here is a first step in the right direction. you know the right things to do. trust yourself.

here's a few things that might help: get help in person there. go to a meeting. call a hotline. call that sponsor. admit you need help. admit that your problem is bigger than you are. after you have a plan it won't be so hard to talk to your ex. and flush that d*mn pill. you are so much bigger and better than that. trust yourself.

[KathyL]

soul_searchn -
Good day to you all, I am 46, 4 children and would like to let you know there is hope for you all. I remember when I first got clean, the only thing that kept me clean each day was I wanted to love my children the way I wanted to be loved as a child, I wanted to be the mother I wanted to have as a child. I am blessed my higher power has taught me how to be a mother to all 4 of my children, by the grace of god go i.... I prayed and meditated with my children every morning before school, lite a candle dimmed the lights played some meditation music and prayed with the children the 3rd step prayer, Serenity prayer, 7th step prayer, Our Father, 11th step prayer and asked to be divorced from self pity, guide my thoughts if a decision was to be made to give me an intuitive thought, intuition or a decision. Also prayed for those I had a resentment towards my ex-husband, mother & father. And you know what the promises came to life once I worked my steps thru. Simple the steps were made simple for me, thank you to my hp, my sponsor and my spiritual sponsor... That was when I was a single mom raising children on my own at 32 years of age and by the grace of god and the steps & principles of this program...keep keepin on, keep it simple silly, let us love you until you can love yourselves. It can be done there are many of us mothers out there who will testify it works if your willing to work it.

[scootinbabe]

wow! thanks kathyl! and welcome to SR!

[tink360]

You knew what you had to do and you didnt do it. Ive been where you are, hell I went to the meetings high. I used to do lines of the back of my NA book. I didnt care. I wanted recovery, but I wanted to get high more. I had thought I had nothing to lose, I had my family housing me, I already dropped out of school, and I had no one that I had to worry about but myself. I was a selfish, spoiled, and immature little girl.

Finally my parents found out I was getting loaded in the bathrooms of the meetings and at the house and they kicked me out. They stopped making things so damn easy for me. At that time it was winter. Cold as hell down here. It was actually EXACTLY a year ago, I had until Dec. 28th to find a place to stay. Whether I did or not, I was out of there. I finally realized what I had done to my life. It wasent until then when I shaped up. A friend of mine that I was working with took me in and helped me out. I was still using at the time and when she found out she basically said, "I wont have that **** here. Get rid of the habit or get the **** out" So I came clean in my meetings and I was surprised to see that instead of hating me they held out their hands.

I was told 90 meetings in 90 days, call people, get a sponser, get honest, cut the bullshit and start taking responsibility for my ****. I suggest you do the same. I guess what it comes down to is if you're ready to die or not? This disease is not a game. The sooner you see that everytime you get high your playing chicken with death than the better your chances of showing up to the meeting instead of the crackhouse.

[zoomer]

((((((((((((((Huggys)))))))), I do hope today finds you sober and clean! We only have today!