Why do I do the things I do?

[namommy]

I can be such an a$$ at times.

I went to a meeting today. The first one I've been to in about 3 months. And, I managed to p!ss off 2 people. one of them I just met today. Why can't I learn to keep my mouth shut.

I approached the chair person and the speaker. Around here, they take turns calling on people from the floor to share. At the meeting (a pretty full one) there were 5 women, the rest men. 3 women had their hand up the entire meeting, and were ignored. 13 men were called on to share, including 3 of them who came in only 15 min. or so before the end of the meeting. I just can't ignore that type of thing. I HAVE to say something.

I'm angry with myself because I went there because I am feeling alot of pain. I didn't go there to take the groups inventory. But, did I get my hand up to share when they asked if anyone felt like using. NO!. God forbid I show I am in any pain. God forbid I show weakness and possibly cry in front of people. ESPECIALLY in a room full of MEN!

What is wrong with me. WHY can't I just get my hand up and say I am hurting? Why can't I do it!?

I feel this HUGE emptiness inside that I can only fill with the help of a higher power. I also found that I am missing the human contact. The element of healing that comes from the touch of another. I have been isolating for so long, I need to change some things before I go crazy. (It's not a real far trip).

I'm sorry. I feel like all I ever do is come on here to vent. The only time I allow myself the time to come on-line is when I am in so much pain I have no other choice.

I need to go to bed and get some sleep. I will make time to come on again tomorrow with a more positive attitude.

thanks

[BigSis]

(((Namommy))) Prayers going up ... right now. For peace and comfort... and hey, maybe someone there tonight NEEDED to hear you take a stand. There are many hurting women who need a strong model. Perhaps that wasn't best for YOU tonight, but I quit believing in coincidences a long time ago.

Like you, I tend to wait to long to reach out... that stupid "superwoman" thing. I have a great sponsor who calls me on this occassionally - not so much that I want to leave, but enough to keep it on my radar.

Don't beat yourself up, Laura. You are a good woman who has been carrying a hell of a load for a long, long time.

(((Namommy)))

[brynn38]

Always heard it's better to get it out of your system rather than keeping it in. I admire you for speaking your mind about this, I would probably have felt the same way(among many others, I'm sure), but, would have just held it in and let it out in some other crazy way. Who knows?. Sounds like someone needed to say something! The world would be terribly boring if everybody were the same. Hope you feel much better today. The most important thing is that you made an effort and went to the meeting in the first place! Something I've neglected to do in a long time. I have felt very alone for quite some time and I know it's my fault for not making an effort to meet new people rather than staying home in my own little "safe" world. brynn38

[Lollipop]

(((((Na)))))))

We are alot alike, I tend to say what I wanna say and sometimes it gets me in trouble.......but yanno......people also respect the fact that I dont lie or sugarcoat things.....I am definately a "take me as I am" type person! Chin up....the ones you upset will get over it and you expressed how you felt....thats a GOOD thing!!!

As for comin here to vent....well.......thats why we are all here!!! To vent and offer support!!!!!
~HUGS!~ Liss

[aasharon90]

Human contact is important...even if its a little bit....

That's where im at....

Ive come here to confess that its been a good
while since my last meeting...similar to going
to confession for u Catholics out there.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

I finally went to my first meeting last
night miles away from my home in
Houston....its amazing how i cant get
myself to go to a meeting right around
the corner from me there and yet here
in Baton Rouge,,,there oooddles of meetings
for me to go to and ill go.

Anyway...last night speaker meeting was
filled with men and just a hand full of women....

I didnt feel uncomfortable because we r all
there for the same reason....and who else
is to represent the "old-timers"... : )

Once the meeting was over..i shook one
hand and peelayed outta there as quickly
as i could...just like i normally do....

But just for that brief hour i had enough
human contact to supply me with another
day of recovery and satisfaction.

For me going without face to face meeting
is definitely not something id suggest. In
fact its not suggested for someone in
early recovery nor even little to alot.

Without meetings of some sort i get squirrely.
Maybe even symptoms of a dry drunk...
just a miserable human being to be around...

No wonder my family thinks im nuts or off
the wall....they just dont understand that
meetings and helping others in recovery is
that important to me to stay sober and sane.

Anyway....i may go to meetings and listen
which is what im best at and leave the talking
to those that do it best themselves.

Maybe i should learn to keep my mouth
more often at home like i do in meetings...

That for sure is a GREAT example for me to
learn from.

[ohiogirl]

Wow thank you for your honesty. Here I sit and think I'm the only one. I've been isolating too lately, and it is keeping me miserable. thank u, you have helped me today, each of you. gentle hugs

[daydream]

Uh, <raising hand>, me too. Only 3 f2f meetings in 2 1/2 months. Partly because of frustration with the group and partly because of severe depression. Just can't seem to get off my arse even though I'm fully aware that a train is approaching. At least I don't have any desire to use, but there's a big YET attached to that. Thanks namommy for posting.

[ayla zaire]

namommy...i the women i love and admire most in my life are the ones who stand up and speak instead of allowing people to ignore them...the ones who speak their minds and are strong...i aspire to be that way, and sometimes i am...i admire you for standing up for yourself and those women...that is a very brave thing, and never wrong...

in your case it sounds like your strength is a problem for you when it comes to letting your feelings show...but you came here to let it out and that counts...even though we are all anonymous here, it is still very hard to put yourself out there and admit your problems and your pain, and by posting here you are forced to see your words and admit things to yourself you may otherwise ignore...

do ever you go to women's only meetings? i know that can feel less intimidating when it comes to sharing...and maybe you would meet women that you feel you can confide in...just a thought...

you are in my prayers tonight...i hope that you sleep peacefully and awake with a new outlook...and i hope you have a wonderful day...

[indigo]

Don't change Laurie we love you for who you are....a strong and gutsy woman.

Annie

[CarolD]

Well...I don't care for my home group very much.
I have been here for 8 years
Due to my health issues and location
it is the only one I can attend.

I use on line recovery as a great source for growth.

However..
There is no way I will stop going to AA meetings.
I need to be there and they need to see old timers.

By showing up...3/4 times a week
I carry the message.

Blessings