Another life lost...

[wandergrrl777]

When I was 18, the man who raised me, died of organ failure due to the prolonged use of drugs and alcohol. My ex-fiance's mother died a couple of months ago...the same thing. This was a woman I've known since I was 8 years old. I comfortably called her "mom".

She and my step-father were incredibly similar spirits. So wonderful and amazing, ugly and disgusting...the embodiment of extremes within the human experience.

In a lot of ways I feel like I started drinking a lot after my step-dad died because I didn't understand him..I wanted to understand HOW he could love me so much and hurt me so badly. How could someone that could be so wonderful and caring, that I loved so much, turn on a dime into a complete monster? I wanted to KNOW.

As you may or may not know, I straightened up several months ago, after I left my ex-fiance. He and his sister have been my best friends since we were little. I always felt guilty about the relief I experienced after my step-dad died. I was also confused and sad.

I saw my friends going through this with their mom too. I always tried to support them by telling them to remember that their mom wouldn't live forever and to make sure the actions they take in the present would be something they could live with once she was gone. That's what kept them from turning their backs on her. Everyone turned their backs on my step-father. He was found on the side of the road, almost completely blind, and died a coupla hours later in the hospital...alone. I regret this deeply.

So, when I left my ex..It was because I was ready to change and be clean, and he kept right on going, even in front of me. So, I left. And then his mother died. I hope this affected him and he stopped.

The impact we have on eachother is so real. She died in her home, after seeing her grand-child. She slipped away in her sleep..by her husband.

I don't really know why I'm sharing all this or what it means really.
I just know every day I live my life clean is a day without wanton mistakes. It's a day that I can love the people around me the way they deserve to be loved. It's a day to really be alive, to feel what's real. Happy, sad, pain, pleasure. All I have to do is picture their faces and it snaps me right back to this place. I'm so humbled right now.

I'm crying a little! lol That's okay. So, thanks for reading this.
-moni

[CarolD]

Thanks for sharing part of you with us.

[51anna]

It's all about being true to yourself and living with your actions.

It's hard to do, but it makes like much more simple.

[indigo]

Thank you for sharing with such feeling the events you have, you sound like a great person to me.

indigo