Back with my ex-husband after 4 years

[Christi40]

Hello ladies,

I hope you can help. I have been sober for 21 months & when I first came to AA (didn't get it right away until after 3 1/2 years) I left my husband. For many many years prior to leaving I had blamed him for everything & told him that I was going to leave him one day. I did, but did not get sober right away. It was hard for me to leave as I always believed in the union of marriage. My son at the time was 10 years old & he went thru very hard times. I never regretted leaving him at that time. Anyway, after 4 years of separation (never divorced) we got back together. You see in the past I was a big dreamer & believed in happily ever after & what a man should be & I tired to change him drastically, but of course he never did. Anyway, during those 4 years I never met anyone. I missed being a family & we got back together. I have been back for over 2 months. Before coming back, I was laid off from my job of 18 years but lived on a package they gave me. Well the package ran out & I still had no job. I know I missed him, but not sure if I went back for the right reasons. Well I'm back & still sober (he drinks, but says he does not have a problem) I have changed & I noticed I played a big part in it not working out. I have this control issue & I nag quite a bit. One of my biggest charter defects. My sponsor said that I have to surrender from the control as I did with the booze but it is not easy. I try not to freak out & not nag but I still do. It bugs the yell out of me. Now I am questioning, what did I do, do? Maybe I am trying to analyse it too much. He's a very nice man & a great provider. I have feelings but are they strong enough. Maybe I am still living in that dream world. If you have any suggestions, I would be very grateful.

[splendra]

Well probably all you can do is take it oneday at a time. Try to be honest as you can with yourself and with him. I would imagine it is difficult to go back and not fall into the same old patterns of relating.

If you are emotionally honest and encourage him to be as well at least you will be sharing the same reality. It could make you much closer then before. I believe an honest relationship is safe which makes it so much easier to be who you really are.

[51anna]

Hi Christi,

One of the most interesting things about my recovery is that I found out that I wasn't exactly the person I had believed I was. One of the things I realized was that I was a huge control-freak. I was living a life based on fear and trying to control my family was crucial for me or I thought my whole life would fly apart. I have learned to let go, at least some of the time. But, the control-freak still lurks sometimes.

It sounds to me like you're not quite ready to decide anything right now. When one person in a relationship changes, it definitely changes the whole dynamic. Your husband may react positively to the ways you have changed or he may never change. Try to be honest and express your feelings.

[indigo]

Let things take there natural course see how it works out, you are both bound to have changed, other than that the other women seem to have a good slant on it. I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you both. Keep posting and let us know.

indigo

[GettingFree]

Sometimes when I'm confused about choices I've made, or can make, I ask myself what my motivation is. It sounds like you've begun to do this as you're questioning if you went back for the right reasons. With a decision as big as this one, there are bound to be several reasons, but it does sound like you're questioning if you took a route that's familiar rather than being motivated by a belief in what would make you truly fulfilled and content.

I'd encourage you do keep asking about your motivation. Did you go back out of love and admiration for your ex? Out of a confident belief that together your relationship will provide a quality of life you hope for? Out of a wish not to be alone any more? Out of a sense of resignation -- 'might as well try' since nothing else has come along? Only you can come up with the questions that resonate.

Letting go of control is a hard one - but it is probably crucial to finding out if going back was the right decision for you.

For me, letting go of control was accepting that no one else was responsible for my happiness. It was a fundamental shift inside accepting that my happiness wasn't dependent on changing someone else in order to make me happy. I still work on this, but I've come a long way. Concerning the relationship I was in when I started my recovery, it became about letting go, ending my efforts to change him, and then assessing if I could accept things, and him, as they are, and be happy. If the answer was no, then the only thing I could change was me, or my circumstances, not another person. By learning to let go, and accept your ex as he is, you may find the answers you're looking for. You may find you learn a quiet peace inside yourself as you give up your efforts to change him, or you may find you may want to change things in your situation.

Remember nothing has to be decided right away -- answers will come.

gf