Pushing people away

[Anna]

I found it easier to make friends when I was younger. In fact, being a military wife, making new friends became a way of life. What I didn't realize was, what a toll the process of making friends and leaving them behind, would take on me. Each move became a little more painful to leave and little harder to make new friends and eventually I pretty much stopped putting much effort into it. Then I moved here 6 yrs ago and made two of the best friends I've ever had. And, they have both died of cancer over the last two years.

So, there is a woman I work with one on one, once every week or two. We have a lot in common -age, kids, values and best of all we laugh a lot and have so much fun. A couple of times she's hinted/suggested going shopping together, taking a yoga class - and I run for the hills. I am so comfortable with the involvement we have now, which is very structured time-wise and I don't think I want anymore than that. It's fun, it ends, we go home. I love spending time with people in small doses. I find it emotionally tiring if I'm around people too much. Basically, she's wanting to move the friendship to another level and I'm hanging back. I don't know if I could do another close friendship again and I'm aware that I am keeping people at a distance. Sometimes I fantasize about living in a completely isolated area by myself, with just lots of animals around. I don't think I want to put my feelings out there again in the name of friendship.

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by 51anna

I love spending time with people in small doses. I find it emotionally tiring if I'm around people too much.

Sometimes I fantasize about living in a completely isolated area by myself, with just lots of animals around.

Wow, anna. I feel the exact same way!

I, too, have left many, many people behind, though for different reasons. I am a runner and a bridge burner. I don't know what the answer is, but I know other wise women will be along to share their experiences and suggestions.

[indigo]

Anna I understand completely, I'm not the social animal of my younger days and I too wish I could just be on my own with my pets and my partner, I know I can never have that and it's just a dream. It's ok for you to want to keep the friendship on a certain level, sometimes we have to put ourselves first it's not being selfish, it's doing the best we can. Perhaps it's time for Anna to decide what she wants and not be persuaded by others......Anna follow your heart.
much love Annie

[Anna]

Thanks Phinny and Annie.

The best thing is to know that you guys understand what I'm talking about and to know that I have your support.

[michski]

I feel the same as you all too. Sometimes having a friend wanting to come over and visit makes me more anxious than going to the dentist. I can do an hour or two but that's it. In my younger days above everything else, nothing was more fun than hanging with my girlfriends. I also lost the best friend I've ever had in my life to brain cancer just a couple years ago.

I have one really good friend now and I found myself anxious to a point of thinking about a drink last week when a gall stone was lodged in her pancreas duct and she almost died. She gets along well with my husband and we really enjoy playing cribbage one night a week. The rest of the working week we hardly see eachother and she lives next door. A once a week visit/lunch/dinner is about all I can handle.

Large groups of people drive me nuts, I feel like I can't breathe. Shopping is not fun for me anymore. I can't wait to get home and when I do I'm completely exhausted.

I'm a homebody. I prefer to hang out with my husband and my cats and play in my garden. I don't know whether this change has come about because of my previous drinking and drug problem.. I guess it's all associated. But it is the way it is and I'm old enough now to accept the fact that I don't have to please people anymore. I think I may be becoming a grouchy old fartess!

[Anna]

I'm with you Michski, part of it is that I now know I don't have to be the people-pleaser anymore and that's made a big difference. Also, it's more accepting myself and my short-comings too. I've felt anxious about socializing all my life, since I was a child. But, I always told myself, 'oh get on with it, you have to do this.' I no longer feel that way. I am not anti-social, I love my friends and family, but I love being by myself or with my husband too. And, it's all okay!

[laurie6781]

Anna if I had my druthers..............................I druther live on 60 acres, with perimeter have a 10 foot high fence all around it, and then inside the fence a 10 foot wide moat with alligators in it and then a 10 foot wide fence run with great big rottweillers running the perimeter, roflmao.

However, since that is not feasible at this time, and I do prefer the company of my four-legged critter friends over two-legged ones, i do keep to myself a lot.

I do not look at it as being "anti-social" I look on it as being "very selective" in whom I allow into my life. That is 'my right' today. I have self respect and I will not compromise it.

I do have several fairly close friends, and one in particular, whom believe it or not I met on line years ago at another recovery site. She and I are so much alike it can be scary, lol. Well to make a long story short, 1 month ago, she picked herself and her things up, packed her vehicle to the max (including her cat, lol) and moved here. She and I now live together. With both of us being on fixed incomes it has and will make a difference in our budgets to the good!!! lol, but much more than that, it really is great having her here. And she is delighted to be here.

I do believe close endearing friendships take time, lots of time to nurture and grow! This one sure did.

So my dear friend, take your time, only do what YOU are comfortable with. I have found that being honest, in a gentle way, has actually helped me to develope friendships like the one you spoke of. Let her know that it is not her, it is you, but that you have a hard time with being with people other than for very short spurts. If, indeed, she wants to be friends, she will understand.

In the meantime, please do not feel alone, there are many of us, who feel this way. One of the hardest things for me early in my recovering being in AA was the the hugs and people always around me. There were times as soon as the meeting was over I would rush out, jump in my car and get out of there.

You really are doing GREAT Anna!!!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[chrisgonz]

While reading your story, you made me remember the times I moved my kids around so much. I was in real estate and focused on big complexes that were up for sale. So I moved them as the units were revised and the complex sold.

I remembered talking to my eldest and telling her to get numbers and addy's, not to loose touch. She's still friends with a few girls, she's 25 now. I thought when I saw two of her friends, grown women and mothers... "God puts us through things for a reason."

When you wrote about loosing your friends, I thought.. "God, I hope that wasn't too hard for her, I can't imagine loosing my friends." I only moved as an adult, as a child, we pretty much stayed put... I still talk to some I've known since I was old enough to play outside. I still visit my friends' mothers.

I guess what I'm getting at is.. Maybe God somewhere made things happen so maybe you could let go with some peace. Maybe??

The past has a way of haunting us.. it can also provide peace if we look for the positives.

Strive to be happy.
Much peace,
Chris

[GettingFree]

Hi Anna,

You've gotten some wonderful words of support so I'm only inclined to add by asking a question:

What made you want to post about this? There's clearly no right or wrong, either in choosing to spend time alone versus spending time with others.

gf

[Anna]

No, there is no right or wrong and I think I just posted to get it out. I truly, deeply believe that when we meet people, it is for a reason. We have something we need to learn from them. This woman is significant in my life at this time and I try to step back and look at the relationship from a spiritual point of view. She is someone I admire very much. She is there to accompany me on this road, at the moment, maybe for awhile. I like this woman a lot and we have fun together. I guess I want the relationship to stay as it is and I'm not sure if that's what she wants. I guess I'm questioning myself as to whether or not I'm passing up an opportunity, by keeping things as they are.

[GettingFree]

I often get hooked by second-guessing my inclinations or actions. As some call it, the committee in my head. Sometimes I question if the gut instinct I have is there because it's sound and something I should trust. Sometimes I question if the gut instinct is something that's there because it's safe and familiar and keeping me from taking other steps or risks. I can play multiple roles in a debating team quite successfully!

As far as your questions with the friendship, just acknowledging the questions themselves may lead to more answers down the road. I find that I often get trapped by thinking I need to have an immediate answer when this process first appears. The question comes, and the false belief is that I need to find resolution in short order.

However, if I acknolwedge the question inside, and then remind myself I don't need an answer right away, and dial down the urgency, I find I open up space for answers to come over the next little while.

As far as wondering if she wants the relationship to be more than what you want, it sounds like you may be feeling some discomfort because the dynamics are shifting. That can be a tough spot, when you sense someone wants more than you. But, as you know Anna, you can't be responsible for what she's feeling. Answers for yourself will come.

best
gf

[Anna]

Oh, acknowledging that there is a question that needs to be answered, but not right away is excellent advice. I am very impatient and tend to want to solve any problem immediately. But, sometimes acknowledging the problem and and relaxing and thinking about it is by far the best solution.

[GettingFree]

Originally Posted by 51anna

But, sometimes acknowledging the problem and and relaxing and thinking about it is by far the best solution.

Hey Anna,

Sometimes continuing to think it about is my very problem. I'm hardly successful all the time (with a long history of obsessive thinking!), but I've seen that when I can acknowledge and let something go -- without thinking about it -- answers surprisingly come!

[michski]

I think we all think way too much... I guess it just goes along with the self consumption that all of us addict and drunks have.

Don't you think that as we do recover and start joining the "real" world again we can also begin to live outside of our heads more and more. I think that's why service work is so important! Gets us more in the habit of thinking of others before we get a chance to over complicate a very simple thought?

I definitely still ask for "reality checks" on some decisions, especially social etiquette. I am so scared Ill hurt someone's feelings. And then I get re reminded that I am not as HUGE in that persons life (as I think I may be) and that their feelings may not even be hurt at all!

[Lynzi]

to get back on the road to recovery once again...I fell off the wagon a year ago once again after 7 weeks sober my two friends have managed to stay on the sraight and narrow funny massive drinkers, guy friends very sucessfull people...anyway HELP!!!

[c'est la vie]

Anna, I'm so glad you started this thread and that so many people have offered insight. I know I push people away too. I'm sure there is some weird connection to some childhood event. In any case, I don't make friends easily and I seem to do something to sabotage every friendship before they can hurt me first. I decided that I may just be OK by myself but then I worried that I was being anti-social. I'm so glad to read Lauries words about simply being "selective" and not comprimising myself for the sake of feeling social.

I think that if you don't want to go to dinner or shopping with this woman, then it's perfectly OK. You may get to that point in time, but why rush it and feel uncomfortable in the mean time. If you wait until you feel good about it you will be able to show your best side of you.

[expenguin]

anna.....Hi there.....glad you are here.....I am not much of a social butterfly and would rather keep to myself sometimes.......

I do other things like craft work , take a class to get more college credit I don't really need.......and so much more on my own...... Once in a while I talk to others at my daughters grade school but only when I am picking her up...........

I don't like to party or go out much.......My other half has a hard time when I dislike going out to dinner.....But I don't like to spend the money and would rather save it in case we need if for something more important..............

I have friends , but not real close friends that want to make me spend several days with........................I keep my distance in my own way............Sure there are times that I wish I had someone around to have fun with.....I lost too many friends as they too have died......or moved away.

I found God as my best friend ...He keeps me close to and helps when I think I am not wanted.........I check in when I am have the worse day of my life and think no one cares...................The Hugs are there anytime.......and He keeps my in check of my Recovery program.......being alone in your own space is ok....and know that it isn't bad to think of yourself and wanting to be alone with animals...........the animals may not talk back or help you spend money like friends do..........That is ok and we all need time alone............Talk a walk alone and just watch others around you......Interesting to see what others do with their time when you sit in a park and watch ..........The world is such a busy place and watching others rush is interesting as they never really get to their location on time..................................Hugs to you ..........Little Penguin

[Anna]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It's so good to hear all your ideas.

C'est, I really like you pointed out from Laurie's post about being selective. I see so many people in relationships with friends that they don't even really like. I think there is social pressure to have friends and be busy.

Penguin, I love what you said about watching and observing others. Sometimes, it's just so nice to take a step back and watch people.

The fact is, I am drawn to isolation. That doesn't mean I live an isolated life. I don't. I really like being with people, but am very, very happy to go home by myself. One of my very favorite books is called "An Unknown Woman" by Alice Koller. It's about a woman in her thirties, who has lost herself and she is drawn to Nantucket Island in the winter and spends several months, through the winter, alone, in a house on the beach, in an isolated area of Nantucket. She has a German Shepherd puppy with her, and she determines to rip away the layers of her life that are meaningless and is shocked to find there is very little of herself that she knows. I have read the book half a dozen times and fantasize about spending a few months in such a place, alone.

[karrotop]

good morning.....anna,thanks for writing about your,"selective isolation"......I have never been comfortable in groups of people.....i was always happy to have one or two best friends.....all i needed...my one best friend just moved away to arkansas....and the other best friend i had bailed out on me because,as a recovery alcoholic herself,she couldn't watch me and my battle with the bottle anymore......which i still can't understand....she knows i am sober now....and she still doesn't call...so,aside from associates at work(who i learned the hard way that they are NOT my friends)...i am alone...and it's ok for now.....i can't take anymore hurt and rejection from people who claim they love me..my therapist keeps nagging at me to go to meetings,take a class,just to meet new people...i don't WANT to meet new people at this point....people have always scared me....especially groups of people....when i was still drinking(28 days ago)....i hated to be alone by myself too....i hated ME......Happily that's changed as i stay sober...i enjoy my alone time now....i walk regularly and enjoy listening to good music,and i enjoy coming here and learning and sharing with you all..i am not going to push myself to,"meet new people",just for the sake of not being alone....right now i am enjoying my own company....for once...and i don't need to stress over being alone...that causes me to want a drink.....so...for now...i will push people away....for today.....for me.....i do love this website though.....helps me see that i am not unique...other people here are just like me....and i'm ok......thanks for letting me,"share".......

[expenguin]

anna... Glad you do check in once in a while......You are doing ok and need to be careful about the amount of time you isolate yourself...........Reconnect with God and your recovery program...........if you really have one...............do some writing of your own and get your feelings out.....This will help a bit if you don't want to take a walk and watch people....................

You don't have to watch people , But watch the animals if any around.........................I like to watch the deer that around here and see what they are up to............the rabbits that run from bush to bush are funny and they think I won't find them either..........

Do get out and get some fresh air........At least do this much for yourself.............Stay connected with Recovery as I said and know that this is your main support to keep you going even if you want an isolated type of life.......

You book sounds interesting.........might read it myself ........I read a book about a Hermit one or two times and he live in the wild alone.............about the same thing this lady you are reading about.........But he had no connection with the frustrated world.....he lived on an island away from housing and no modern conviences......................he lived in a cave and did with what he had to live his life with only God as his friend and read only his bible.........................

Well , I will talk to you later and see how you are doing...........

Little Penguin

[BigSis]

(((Anna))) Your desire for isolation rings such a bell for me! I used to have "run away" fantasies... always to a cabin on the beach, or in the mountains where I could write and write and live "unfettered".

Today, I know those "run away" dreams were manifestations of my mind trying to escape the chaos that surrounded me. As an adult, I can escape this chaos at any time... I can change my lifestyle and am in control of who I allow in close.

I've been a social... people pleaser... my entire life. I'm often included when folks gather together, but I seldom bring anyone into MY home and MY life. I live in the woods and have a large buffer around me... and bringing anyone into that sanctuary is a big deal.

The exception have been my Alanon & AA friends. Because as close as they are, they seem to have few expectations of me.... just unconditional love. They don't want anything from me and accept me as I am. Or maybe I am also holding them at arm's length, too.... hmmmm. Now look what you've done! You've got ME thinking!

GettingFree's advice reminds me that "letting go" and "turning it over" to my Higher Power is the part I often forget when trying to figure stuff out.

I hope an answer becomes apparent.... there are no coincidences, and whatever will be... will. ((((hugs))))

[expenguin]

Hi anna......came to check and see if you came back .......I am praying for you today and asking God to comfort you and make you laugh...........There are special people here that really care and want to reach out and tough your life............

Hugs and lots of them for you today............I am off to comfort myself and cozy up to some sock monkeys I made to see if I could really do them...........................Thinking of you...

Maybe you need to find a special bear and cozy up to it, cry with it and let it know your secrets.............I do that when I think no one is really listening and I need an extra friend to just hold me............I have a very BIG POOH BEAR that is pillow size who works just fine..................Little Penguin