A useless bum....

[Redmayne]

The Sobriety Calendar tells meI'm now 1519 days sober, since in my case I has , cynic that I am, a 'spiritual experience' and my alcoholism , suffered for 30 years or so, was taken from me.

Reflecting back on my drinking days, andthe fact that once I'd both recognised and accepted that I was, despite every good intention towards all that life offered, I was a,'real alcoholic'.

Just as described in Chapter Three of ,'Alcoholics Anonymous', no different, of course I didn't know then what I know now , that genetically my digestive system didn't break down alcohol at the same rate as a ,'normal social' drinker, about 1oz per hour, so that the drug,(alcohol) remained in my body, setting off the same destructive process so well known to all of us. I was an addict.

How many times then , when society was pointing a finger at me and saying,'He's a bum, just a drunken bum," did I want to scream at my uncaring tormentors, who ridiculed me. "No, I'm not,this isn't my fault, no one told me about this, I'm a good person!" To no avail, they didn't understand and neither did I, tempered by the drive and determination to identify the scource of my suffering and gain some level of recovery and sobriety. Spirituality, as I learned, came with the territory.

It's also true to say that, even whilstdrinking I held positions serving my community and those who themselves, serve the community, along with raising my son, now a university educated, professional musician, as an unsupported, single parent.

Having had it pointed out to me, quite clearly today that despite all that's happened I'm still a bum, a useless bum. It's apparent that my sobriety counts for nothing. So I'm reminded of those lines in R.A.Heinlein's book,'Stranger in a Strange Land,' Once I served humanity and the thought of that pleased me,....Then I realised that society doesn't want this, in fact it consciously rejects it.....So now I do what pleases...' only from now on, whereas I thought I'd handed my life and self will over to the god of my understanding, I think I'll work on that.

So, 'all bets are off' as well as the gloves! From now on, He gets it all and whatever He says I'm to do, I do, no more taking responsibility for the welfare of others with my stupid altruistic nature, practised all my life, drunk or sober. This,'useless bum', is doing it all for himself, under the guidance of the god of my understanding's direction and others can take their chances. There's nothing for me to do, but look after me, a hard challenge for someone who has never seen himself, along with others who share the same view of me , as a selfish, self absorbed, materialistic individual, especially in sobriety. But as the old saying goes,"If the cap fits, wear it," and as has been pointed out to me today, 'I'm just a bum, a useless bum'. What price sobriety, if society rejects it? Where are you? In exactly the same position I was 1519 days ago.....