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|03-29-2012, 11:09 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ontario Canada
Blog Entries: 15
Where Was I When I Found SR.com?
Well I was once known as TheOjibway84 and out of anger left this site because I wasn't open minded and watching my feelings. Now I am open minded and way more open to feedback.
Anyways this is a good way to do the slogan of "Remember When" as I have discussed in AA Discussion Meetings I once said that the fact is true that I do not wish to forget the past nor close the door on it. To do so would ruin my accomplishments up to this point.
I've been sober for 7 months now and day by day it gets better and better. I have things I'd never dream of 7 months ago. Everything I proved to myself up to this point is only because of what I did 7 months ago and how much stronger I've become because of my mistakes.
Where was I when I found this site again? I was at wits end when I came back to this site needing major help. I was torn apart by a 4 day binge and everything was crumbling around me. I had no money to pay rent yet alone groceries to eat, I had just gotten back in from a meeting with my boss at work where I clearly told him what I had done. In truth I schemed on how to lie to him about my where abouts for the past 3 days of when I was suppose to work but instead I was plastered the whole time and didnt care about work. The first 2 days I partied it up with my drinking friend, then once he went home after almost getting into a fight again I drank more for 2 more days. I went to this cheap bar that served at 11am (canada is different lol) But to me that was early enough and I proceeded to drink. I ended up drinking all day then I came back around 8pm to find this bar having a little party for the end of summer so I joined in and drank more. I was so messed up I can't remember when I got home or what I did for that time. All I remember was breaking down in tears as I went to grab a drink because when I sobered up a little I realized what I had done. So after the meeting with the boss I came on here needing help and distraction from real life. I was so boggled minded that I would say silly stuff in the chat room annoying people and I got to laughing my face off so I could forget about what I had done. And as time grew wee into the early hours of morning people logged off and gone to bed or around the world it was time to go to work so I sat there crying waiting for someone to come on and no one did. I was scared to go to sleep because I had so much to drink and little sleep and NO food or water that I swear I was going to die in my sleep. I would hit the pillow with my head and as soon as I'd drift off I could feel my heart slowing down too much and jerk awake gasping so I didn't dare go to sleep. I had to email my parents the bad news and my mother broke down again but managed to find some strength to come over and talk to me with my father. It was no laughing matter when they saw me a mess with blood shot red eyes and chewing gum (Had very bad breath and didn't have time to brush so i put gum in my mouth) they literally thought I was drunk again and had to convince them I wasnt drunk just exhausted from having no sleep.
Everyone on this site gave me support and courage to even tell them what happened before they came over and I was afraid I'd have no place to live and in hopes my sponsor would help me he mentioned to me before the parents came "Well... don't know what I can tell ya except that you may have to move around and live in hostels until you find another place to live for cheap, they don't let you stay there long maybe a night or two then your out." I was hoping he'd leave his offer open to me when suggested once to me that I could live with him if need be but didn't dare ask him if I could move in with him and his wife and he sure didn't mention it when I jumped up in fear and repeatdly said "I'm not living in no hostel! What am I going to do!" Although I now know the fact that it says that you can't expect your sponsor to be responsible to have a roof over your head he can only give advice.
That day my parents came over after spending 4 days here on SR.com they allowed me to move back home with them. Ties were struggled at first and I felt like a criminal when I moved back. I was relieved to be back home but knew as a fact that the faith my parents had me in dwindled and for awhile I felt shame when I saw them. There were even rules to let them live their lives and I live mine in the basement. For awhile they didn't really want to talk to me and I was to make my own food for meals, it didn't bother me though because I was just happy to get out of that townhouse where we had 2 other everyday drinkers and the temptation there was high. Especially when your landlord has you do a liquor pick up for her because she's "busy" doing house work and it tempted me everytime to buy and I would.
I was a wreck. I really was. I wish never to go back there again it was a total nightmare. But I understand more now a days that I can't point at my room mates and landlord for the temptation of drinking. I was my own person and had my own free will to do what I wanted to do, no one strapped me to a chair and forced me to drink. I chose to and it was a bad decision on my part, so I have no anger towards my room mates if anything I feel remorse because I can't imagine how I was when really drunk because I could never remember. Today is great, I'm 7 months now coming onto 8 in a couple of week and I feel great and have a love in my life whose never seen me drunk and never will for one day at a time! Anyways I'm heading to bed now! lol I wish everyone here another 24 hour of being sober!
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