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|03-09-2012, 11:56 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
'The Dimming of the Day'
"This old house is falling down around my ears,
And I'm drowning in a sea of my own tears"
The opening lines to Richard Thompson's song that provides the title for this thread. Last night I heard it sung by Alison Krauss, now just over four years sober my mind drifted back to when I first heard it.
Alone and living in the depths of my alcoholism , in a sparsley furnished flat with no money, the reality of the situation being the only thing that stopped me from living on the streeet was the front door. My son, then living with his now partner had bought me a small music centre and some CD's, one of which was Bonnie Riatt's,'Roadtested', it was one of the tracks onthat.
Those two lines about summed up my life at that time, sprinkled with a heavy dose of self pity, I'm sure, in recovery we all experienced that!
I also recalled the words of the opening line to Chapter 5 of the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous' 4th Ed., ,'Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.' and realised that despite many efforts over my 30 year drinking history it ws only when I not only fully understood but took onboard the depth and meaning of those words and the absolute necessity to hand my life and self will over to the god of my understanding could the longed for gift of sobriety be mine.
I was to struggle on with my miserable existence for quite a few more years, trapped in ,'King Alcohol's' merciless grip, but still holding on to that thought,'those who thoroughly follow our path'. To the extent that I deepened my spiritual beliefs found in the suggested 12 Step Programme, simple Christian beliefs, Jesus said,"Follow me," and I do. Enhanced by fundamental Buddhist philosophy, 'The Four Noble Truths' are all about suffering leading to enlightenment,which includes sobriety.
My pain deepened unbearably, until one night , Feb.14th 2008, still alone , although my personal circumstances had improvedslightly, I wept, prayed and begged for release to the god of my understanding.
Within day it became readily apparent to not only me, but those around me that my alcoholism had been taken from me. There was no magnificent recovery, I hadn't done to much harm to my body, jury's still out on my sanity,there's certainly more personal and financial stability in mylife and I've remained alive to witness the birth of my grandson, now 20 months old.
The words of the song, go on to say," I need you,oh how I need you, at the dimming of the day." You're free to interpret this any way you want, but for me it tells me in recovery how much I need the god of my understanding in my life and the necessity for me, to the best of my ability to try to make spiritual progress on a daily basis, recognising that I'm powerless over people, places and institutions, I can't make people like me, let alone love me. I need the god of my understanding in my life, if that doesn't happen, I'm back to the opening lines of this thread.
Only you can make your mind beautiful. The Dalai Lama, 'Becoming Enlightened'
|03-10-2012, 06:02 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Hi Redmayne,although I hold some different beliefs than you, I enjoyed reading your post about your journey into the light. Freedom from the grip of active addiction is true beauty.
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