My husband and I had had a HUGE fight

[Newtosoberlivin]

and I grabbed my daughter at 11 o'clock at night, when I had absolutely NO right to be on the road behind the wheel of a car, drove to my parents house, and gave the usual "sob" story about how he doesn't understand me, blah blah blah. Y'know what I mean, the "life sucks, I want out, I'm divorcing him" etc. bs. All of this because I went on a pretty bad binge and was acting like a total and complete fool, per usual.

After not too much sleep, seeing my dad across the kitchen table with tears in his eyes, and my mom up half the night talking to me (along with my husband calling all worried sick about me and my daughter, wondering if we were okay), all I could feel was sick to my stomach. i had really done it, AGAIN. How many times could I keep repeating the same behavior over and over and over again? How many times would my husband tolerate before walking away and telling ME "I can't take anymore?" And if he did, how could I blame him?

So I just stopped. Period. Stone cold stopped, because that life was what sucked, not who I married, not who was in it, not anything but my own actions. And how many times was I going to foolishly drive drunk, not to mention with my 9 year old child in the car with me? What if I HAD been pulled over by the police? I certainly wouldn't have my daughter in my custody today, she would have been rightly taken away from me, while I was arrested for DUI and hauled off to jail, also rightly. What a fool I had been all those years, wasting time and my entire life for one stupid thing that didn't even make me happy. Getting drunk. It ruined everything. It turned me into a monster, a horrible, neglectful, and nasty wife, who put down my husband as a man, as a father and as a person but would never remember what I had spat at him the next day, a lousy mother who had "forgotten" important things my daughter had at school, like a mother/daughter tea (she was the only girl in her class whose mother didn't show, where was dear mother? Getting drunk at home!), didn't remember to send her to school properly dressed for her "athletics day", wherein she had to sit on the sidelines by herself and couldn't participate, skipped several PTA meetings in fear that her teachers would know I was drunk and report me, and just wasn't "there" for her in nearly the way I should have been. That's the hardest part for me. I can never make up those times, but she will never forget them for the rest of her life.

Two days later, I attended an AA meeting, got my 24 hour coin, and haven't looked back since. I am now 22 days sober and can't imagine living life any other way. Life is so different now.

I am the wife, mother and stepmom that I have always wanted to be and knew that I could be. I am learning new things about myself, and working out the emotional stuff that caused me to turn to that poison in the first place, so many years ago (I started drinking VERY early on, stealing wine from my parent's bar at home, and replacing what was missing with water, mom doesn't drink at all and dad only socially). I still have the rest of my life to keep working on me, but it is SO worth it to do so. My family deserves it, my children deserve it, and know what? I deserve it! I have so much to offer to so many, it would be just stupid to throw that away and continue to live in a perpetual fog. Why? For what? I don't miss one second of that old life, truly.

I love waking up with a clear head, looking forward to my first cup of coffee every day, enjoying it while watching the morning new with my husband and chatting with him before we start our day. I enjoy when my daughter wakes up rubbing her eyes and hugs me everyday, I love looking out our living room window and actually stopping to enjoy and take in the sight when a duck lands on our dock on the lake. Or when I spot a bluejay or a woodpecker in the tree directly outside the computer desk window. I never stopped to appreciate any of these things before. I was too busy planning out how booze would dictate how my day went and how soon everyone would leave so I could open and drink that first one of the day (which seemed to never end, I was up to 12-15 beers a DAY at the end, sometimes more than that, and some days it was that much, and shots of vodka in orange juice on TOP of that!). What amazes me when I look back, is that I would actually talk on the phone to people while drinking like this!!!! Thank GOD it wasn't while I was working (I was unemployed when it had gotten this bad).

Today I look forward to every new day, its challenges, triumphs, joy and the fact that God has given me this second chance at a new and better, more fulfilling life! So much better and happier, and yes, FULLER than I could have imagined!!!

Finding all of you was like a complete and total "gravy" on my potatos!!! I love these boards, and visit them often!!! Praying is a new part of my life, sometimes I don't do the "traditional" praying, but may just sit quietly and watch the sun over the lake, or take in nature, or just silently meditate on how great it is to finally be sober and revel in all of life's possibilities! Sobriety is the best! But I am also careful to not get too "cocky" about it either, for that is what gets too many into trouble early on and I am all too aware of it. So I try to be humble, grateful but aware of how fragile things can still be, so I come on here a LOT to remind myself that I am not alone, we are all in this together, and that life sober is a gift, one that I will do everything in my power to hold onto!!! Thanks for letting me share my story.

[luciddreamrgrl]

What an inspiring story. I'm not an alcoholic myself. I'm a member of the friends and family of alcoholics board. I just wanted to say you are a shining example of what we wished our loved ones would turn out to be. Your story made me cry and gave me more hope than you will ever know. Thank you for sharing.

[MycoolFitz]

Well I'm an alcoholic and I appreciated and connected with it on many levels. We do these completely crazy things, fight with our loved ones when we're toasted, drive drunk and endanger ourselves, our loved ones and strangers and the craziest thing we do is we keep on doing it. “From craving arises sorrow and from craving arises fear”. In our sorrow and fear comes our pain. When we try to medicate or numb our pain chemically, we become addicted. When we try to smother it in the comfort of our family and friends we smother the love of family and friends. The craziest thing is that a some point, which might, on the surface, seem any different from many addicted points before,we suddenly wake up--we see the truth and it is so obvious, transparent and shattering. We awaken from the nightmare of our addiction, and in awakening we break the cycle, its that simple, its that difficult.

Gerald G. May, M.D., in Addiction and Grace, defines addiction as "any compulsive, habitual behavior that limits the freedom of human desire. It is caused by attachments, or nailing, of desires to specific objects. Five essential characteristics mark true addiction: (1) tolerance, (2) withdrawal symptoms, (3) self-deception, (4) loss of will power, and (5) distortion of attention."

I would like to focus on the two symptoms we often don't think about or hear about but hold the key to our self-imposed prison. "Self-Deception" One of the most significant hallmarks of addiction is the exquisite inventiveness that the mind can demonstrate in order to perpetuate addictive behaviors. These tricks of mind include denial, rationalization, displacement, and every other defense mechanism that psychoanalysis has identified, and then some. "Distortion of Attention" Addiction and its associated mind tricks inevitably kidnap and distort our attention, profoundly hindering our capacity for love.

When we awaken from the nightmare we see it for what it was, not us but an illusion we let take control of our lives. In awakening we reclaim our birthright of sobriety. We reclaim our lives--Welcome back, Namaste

[Newtosoberlivin]

Luciddreamgirl,

I'm so happy that my post helped you and gave you hope. I thought I was a hopeless case for such a long time. I guess I just got sick of torturing my loved ones AND myself with continuing to drink, and wasting all the years of my life doing the same old, same old, with the same horrible results, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

For me, the negatives of my drinking were:

Forgetting important events in my daughter's life (unforgivable)
Being extremely cruel and non-present to my husband and children
Calling my poor mother drunk and rambling on about nothing (God love her)
Doing poor quality work (from home) because I would start drinking while working at my last job (can you imagine that? I'm lucky I still HAD a job after that!)
"Drunk dialing" various friends and family and rambling on incessantly about stupid **** that meant nothing then getting emotional and stupid
Embarrassing my hubby and family by overindulging and making a fool of myself at events
Skipping or altogether forgetting important counseling and psychiatrist appts. because I was too drunk to remember what day and time they were
Not paying bills/procrastinating on them then getting overdrawn at our bank for my procrastination
Not doing a lick of housework, instead sitting at the computer (while unemployed) and going on "youtube" listening to weepy songs, picking out the ones I wanted to be played at my funeral (NUTS!!! But sadly, all too true)
Mixing alcohol with medication that I take for my bipolar condition, in essence, wiping out what the meds are supposed to do for me (correct my chemical balance in my brain, all of them say DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL, I'm lucky I didn't get rushed to the hospital by mixing them with booze, very lucky)
Viewing life itself as a chore that I needed to get through, waiting to just die so I wouldn't have to deal with it all anymore, never looking forward to a new day or anything really
Drinking while crying and KNOWING I shouldn't be, and crying harder knowing I was past the point of no return, needing help but not at the point where I wanted to admit it to myself
Feeling shame
Feeling remorse
Hating myself
Thinking I was no good to myself or anyone else
Thinking the world would be better off without me, I was just a stupid drunk, what difference would it make if I died? THe world would still turn, life would go on, etc. (the feel sorry for me, the poor drunk mindset, SCARY STUFF!)
Thinking I was a total and complete failure as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and just in general, why did God put me here anyway?

Positives?

NONE!!!

Unless you call throwing up from drinking too much then continuing to drink a positive

Not eating properly because the booze was more important to me and losing too much weight as a result

Killing too many brain cells to mention

Living in a perpetual "fog", never in reality

Planning my entire day (even errands) around the closest place where I could restock my liquor supply EVERY DAY!

Driving drunk (sometimes with my child in the car!)

Being impossible to reason with or talk to (who can reason with a drunk? Nobody)

Having bathroom "accidents" while sleeping and being woken up by them, having to change sheets at 2 in the morning

Developing irritible bowel syndrome due to lack of food and too much booze

Passing out instead of going to sleep

Startling awake instead of "waking up"

Being defensive and nasty to everyone I came into contact with

Thinking I was always right and "knew what I was doing"

Thinking I stupidly could control my drinking

I could on about the negatives. Everything about my drinking was negative, absolutely everything. And know what? THis is so true, I didn't even LIKE to drink after awhile, I would often gag when I would have yet another beer, my hands would shake, I would run to the bathroom and vomit, yet I didn't think I had a problem? Talk about living in complete denial!!!!! This IS a sickness of the mind, and a major addictive condition. But the good news is that it IS controllable. I think I'm going to print this list above and hang it on my refridgerator as further reinforcement/motivation for living sober.

[byronastar]

many thanks for your share

[treefrog]

I also wanted to say thanks for the very helpful post. I had a similar experience recently. I turned up at my ex girlfriends blind drunk, and insisted i was going to take our daughter with me (no idea where), and that SHE was the unfit parent!. That night I ended up in a police cell overnight. Nightmare. All the best with your continued recovery.

[holdfold]

wow.... so it is not just me....blessings..... I am new and I feel the road under my feet, the sun shining and am beginning to hear the birds again..... so I have my chin on my chest and want to take the first step so I can stand tall.... the first step taken I want to clear my mind and start to walk with purpose.... thank you for sharing....remember... no one expected the Spanish Inquisition!

[killingmesmalls]

Thank you thank you for this post. It is day 8 for me - and has been tough. The weight of this year just seems to be heavier some nights & not allowing myself to drink the edge off is new.

[keen2bclean]

Thank you!...so much of your post felt like I was reading about myself...welldone to you on staying sober....I'm only at day 2 and am feeling the after effects tonight...coming here and reading has helped me stay clean for today...i think i'll do the same..write a list to refer back to when the urge strikes, it will not be dissimilar to yours ...good luck x

[krylonB]

Originally Posted by keen2bclean

..I'm only at day 2 and am feeling the after effects tonight...coming here and reading has helped me stay clean for today...i think i'll do the same.

As a noobie to this BB I am just searching around now for someplace to jump in.
Very honest and heart-felt thread!

Keen, Day 2? --- there is nothing worse than that except Day 1. Prayer, AA, and being stubborn to that voice in our heads is what will help you at this point.
Having been through withdrawal and relapse more times than I would like to count, I felt like passing this on to you. EACH day gets better (and easier) if you don't allow yourself that 1st drink. It goes like this for me>>>>
After 7 days I can look in the mirror and see a pair of bright,clear,sparkling white eyes. That is such a 1st milestone after looking at bloodshot, lifeless, jaundiced eyes each morning. After 14 days, I find my nervousness has subsided for the most part (another welcome relief) and I feel good about the progress. As months go by your creativity, spirituality, and precise thinking will replace the self induced fog and stupefying effects of alcohol.
Why would we ever want to trade that stae of body and mind for booze is beyond me, but it happens. BE Vigilant. Thanks....
kB

[keen2bclean]

Thanks for your supportive post Krylon....coming here is the first time that I have admitted my problem and opened up to help and advice...I never imagined so many others would identify and that I would likewise identify with them...it has been invaluable...

[Fishman33]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[melclem]

Amazing!!....how many of us are caught in the grips of ths insidous disease... I leave for detox and rehab Thursday and I'm actually looking forward to going now ( just wish i could take my dogs!!)

[Lisa7]

Amazing story!! I wish you great success in you life ahead with your husband and kids...
We are all in this together, that's true!! All of us deserve a happy ending!!Life isn't to be wasted, it's to be preserved and your story is the greatest example.

Thank You for sharing!

[feprincess]

Thank you Luciddreamgirl! Ah, just when I was starting to romanticize my drinking!