Where was I?

[mercygirl]

I am a functional alcoholic...but getting less and less so every weekend I drink. I make it to work and I don't drink in the morning only on the weekends.

I (used to) pour wine at grocery stores for people to taste. Something I really loved. Whatever was left over I got to take home. So this past Friday I had 11 left over bottles of wine. I went to my boyfriend's sister's house and started drinking on a totally empty stomach. I blacked out pretty fast. I don't remember anything from about 10pm Friday to 4pm on the next Saturday. That is the most saturated I have ever been. While I was blacked out I texted my boyfriend to move out, which he did. I don't even know why I did that.

I think when I search myself, I think that I couldn't bear for him to see me like this, again. He is not a big drinker and I've been walking this tight rope with him for 2 years. I don't think he realized what a huge problem I was having. So now he is gone and I am coming up from my rock bottom, scared and so ready to leave that behind.

I have had so much problem with alcohol. My dad was a huge drunk. I've had an MIP and two DUIIs, but they were 16 years apart so I didn't get in the big big trouble that you usually get in when you get two.

But this weekend I feel that I drank enough to almost kill myself. Here it is Tuesday and I'm just starting to feel like it's out of me. I feel strong right now that I never want to drink again, I can't. My boyfriend will not come back until I actually do what I say I'm going to do (we've been through it a couple times.) I will lose everything if I don't succeed. And I have so much to lose. I'm so afraid that on the weekend, my big trigger, comes around that's when it gets tough.

I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. I cannot take that first one because then I'm a goner, because I don't seem to be able to stop until I am blacked out. That makes me feel so sad about myself. I look in the mirror at this beautiful and intelligent woman and to think of me blacked out drunk just makes me sick.

So, that's where I am. Thanks for having this site, truly because I need to start getting this out now. I have found an AA meeting that I can make it to everyday and I'm working for that 30 day coin. It is a precious treasure I have to have. THen the 60, 90 one year. I'm actually quite excited.